Tell me your stories

[HH]

I'd love to hear your stories of dealing with your pd spouses. Real stories when shared give power and healing to the teller. Not as a way to hurt those we love, or trash them. But as a way to heal. 

One story that comes to mind is how many times I've been in a public place and after my bpdw has exploded at me, in an uncontrollable rage - but with us being shielded from public view until she was done. Then she'd pull it together and be her best self in the public place ...time after time, when we entered the building or meeting or even church service - I would go to the bathroom and sit in the stall and cry silently from how bad it hurt. Then I'd pull it together and wash my face and then go back to the public setting feeling scared, ashamed, and hurt. As much for how I was treated as by allowing myself to be in that situation time and time again.

[pushit]

I can't tell you how to solve this and remain in the relationship, because I chose to divorce my exPDw.  But, I can share my experiences with you.

I can't tell you how many times I was caught off guard when my ex was verbally abusing me and the kids, and then the doorbell rang, she was (all of a sudden) apple pies and cookies to the neighbors who stopped by,  All the times she would make an off-hand comment to me just before entering a work Christmas party, it would catch me totally off guard and then I'm ticked off and frustrated while I'm at the party.  Then I was labeled as the grumpy, non-supportive husband, with nobody realizing what really happened.  She would completely insult me and the kids and then be the friendliest person you've ever met, like a chameleon.

You hit on an important element.  Public Image.  That's what I discovered about my ex - that's all that really matters to her.  If we project a positive public image then everything is okay.  Well.....No, it's not that way.  Our life was a disaster behind closed doors, but all she wanted was to project that we were a great family.  No actual work involved to create a functional life for our kids.  Unfortunately, that meant putting her on center stage.  The bread winner, the greatest mom on earth, no faults whatsoever.  Any chinks in that armor required us to move elsewhere.  It didn't work for us.  I wish the best for you, I know that some people can make this work but unfortunately it didn't work for us.

[SparkStillLit]

I'm seeing so many things. I'm realizing it was never me.  None of that stuff was ever true, it was a manufactured storm to try to bring me in line. I won't be letting that happen again, or at least I can be aware that it does and have my guard up. I've lost so many friends.
Nobody was talking about me. Nobody's wife hated me. That was so puzzling to me, because we didn't operate in the same circles at all, and I'd always say WHO was talking, who even knows me to gossip, I'm pretty introverted, it's not like I go out and about ; and he'd always say oh, he heard it around town. Then my friend's wife was ALWAYS so nice to me, and once she drew me aside and THANKED me for being his true friend, and all these other people just shallow hangers on...and h telling me she hated me? She didn't, of course. I know better now.
H told me that my own family said horrible things about me. I didn't believe him.
He would start a fight with me before I went in to engage in a sport I loved. SO OFTEN I'd dry tears and go in, and take my rage out on the playing surface. None of the stuff he said about the players was true. MY involvement certainly wasn't, but neither was theirs.

I am learning to have zero response to these, I call them "inflammatory statements", and they are about all sorts of various things, but they all have one goal, and that's wind me up. It isn't even about me, either. It's because H has some emotion he needs to vent. He needs to find another method. I'm closing the dump 😂

[Lauren17]

Thank you, HH, for this kind offer.  I have also been subjected to nasty comments going in to something I'm excited about. But the thing I would like to share is this.
Shortly after we married, uBPDh announced one day that he had stopped wearing his wedding ring and there was nothing I could do about. I hadn't noticed and just said ok. A few months later, I had a scrape on my hand so didn't wear my ring for a couple of days. When I went to put it back on, it was gone!  I searched in a panic and went to H and asked him if he'd moved it. He had no idea what I was talking about. I went back to searching and about the time I was pulling the mattresses off the bed, H comes in with my ring. His explanation for hiding it? He'd seen I wasn't wearing it, assumed it was in retaliation for him not wearing his, so he hid it to see how long it would take me to notice.   
Decades of my marriage included series of tests like this he set up for me to prove I really loved him. As I've become stronger, and no longer fear him leaving me, I've stopped responding to the tests. His response now is constant criticism.
He disagrees with most of what I say, shakes his head at me and  fake chuckles like I'm the town fool. If I ask him for clarification on anything, he repeats the same vague phrase slowly and with exaggerated patience.
I'm just so tired.

[Feeling sick]

I do find it helps to read other people's stories, somehow makes the pain a little easier. I have been in the devalue and discard part for a long time, I thought it was improving but last week I found out that my npd thinks just the same of me that he did when our latest cycle started. I am revolting, have treated him the worst, am the most disgusting person of any one he knows, I didn't defend myself, I've found it does no good. But I make it worse in that I agreed with everything he said I'd done to make it all stop. He hates me, nothing I do will sort it, I'm worse than nothing. Just thinking on what Push it said about the public element image, it's all stuff I've done to make him look bad outside. It's the cycle and I'm desperate for any crumbs, there aren't any, think it's way past that now. I'm lost and don't think there's a way out, it's always me, I can't take the lies any more.

[tragedy or hope]

The chuckling w/o explanation, the hatred when no one can hear, the phony friendliness to others directly after me being told how he wishes he never married me... etc... etc...

It does help to know and identify the behaviors because I can separate myself from his need to be just a bad person. They are totally responsible for this behavior and it reeks of being liars, deceivers and manipulators.

Part of the hurt when no one hears is to get me to feel bad so I will not be my great, friendly, fun self. Mostly because mine is genuine, his is not. He HAS to be the center of attention. Socially he is always competitive with me.

I have all but refused to be with him with other couples anymore. We used to have people over until I figured out I was one of his flying monkies... There to make him look good.

When I thought we were sharing the experience... he was in "celebrity" mode acting as if everyone came to see HIM, including me. Such a bore. I eventually told him so.

Now when he mentions he would like to have people over (aside from our children and their families) I say I don't think so. I am tired and I would not enjoy it. No one ever asks us to do anything.

I got an informative DVD with 8 one hour segments on a subject we are interested in. I feel others I know (we do things separately) would like it. I ordered some extra lending copies... I offered to get him copies for his "friends" if he wanted.

He says no. However, he is open to us inviting people in to see it hour by hour for weeks on end. OR... he will glean from it, then go tell others without availing them to the original information. Whatever it takes to be the center of attention.


If he invites someone to do something, if they say no, he makes himself a friendly pest until the person acquiesces. He primes people if they are standoffish until they accept him. He will charm, joke, like bomb, pursue, invite, reinvite, chide... whatever it takes. No to him cannot be tolerated.

Only one person I know of has basically told him they are not interested. (Love that guy!)

And so it goes. I am mostly love bombed at present. Always being primed for something.I have learned to take the love bombing from God not the unpdh.

God knows what I go through.

When unpdh begins his downward spiral, I get as distant as possible, grey rock, and get busy on me. 

That's all for now. Thanks for the opportunity to put into words some of the insanity.

[Bowsy26]

HH, this is a helpful thread. 

"I'll never socialize with you ever!!!"  I learned to find my own things to do and never, ever bring my friends to the house b/c he would work on making them his friends instead.  Once he accomplished that, he would let them know what a horrid person I was (she doesn't appreciate all the things I do for her, she is never satisfied no matter how much I do for her, she spends allllllll my money, and so on and so on).  A few had affairs with him (I know that now but not then)  He also would make announcements about me such as "you wouldn't believe what Bowsy26 ate last night!!!"  or "you wouldn't believe what Bowsy26 went and spent this week!!!!" and then tell an entire gathering.  I was the only one who would know if it was even true, and he knew I would never make a scene and try to counter him.  This worked great for him because neither me nor the people at the gathering wanted anything to do with him.  This left him to follow his favored pastime - chasing women.  Yes, I had blinders on. 

"If it wasn't for me, you'd have nothing!!!"  This goes along with how I spend/spent all his money.  How dare I meet our daughter (or anyone) for lunch and SPEND HIS MONEY!!  This even though I made just a smidge over what he did, although he had to work a ton of overtime to out do me.  I spent years trying to show him the budget, where I put our money (we were so far ahead on our mortgage), how I was managing our retirement investments, etc.  It felt really good the day I told him I wasn't listening to that particular nonsense anymore and I would go out to lunch with whoever I wanted.

Currently I am getting a lot of gaslighting of the really ridiculous kind.  For the last couple of months, I have noticed items disappearing from our house.  Mostly it has been Rubbermaid storage containers.  Also bath towels and washcloths along with a couple of kitchen towel items.  At first, I just noted it and then asked H if he knew where any of these were.  He said he thought I had put them somewhere.     I'm retired and with covid don't get out anywhere at all.  He works 2 nights a week and takes food along those nights.  More items disappeared at this point including the towels beginning to disappear.  When I brought this up again, he suggested that someone was coming into our home.  "OMG, someone must be getting in!!!!"      I suggested that if someone came in, they wouldn't steal old Rubbermaid containers and towels but more likely our computer system and other electronics along with the 4 big screen tvs he has purchased.  I got silence in reply.     The towels have returned though none of the Rubbermaid.  I suspect he took it to work and then threw it away in an attempt to create drama. 

I could go on and so could we all.  It never ends. 

[Samuel S.]

Thank you for this interesting thread!

My then fiancee really put on the charm when we first met. She said she was the best thing I ever had, that my first wife was bad, etc. Yes, my first wife who unfortunately passed away did have her faults, but she was good at times, at least. So, my current wife picked up on that and accentuated the fact she was "perfect". We eventually got married, and all hell broke out, because she saw my daughters as the enemy. She started degrading them, and I tried to support them while not arguing with my wife, but she saw me as only defending them. She really caused a lot of friction while always considering as very good.

Once it seemed that my daughters were out of my life which are not now, she then began verbally abusing me, such as telling me that I should have chosen another profession so she could have more money to spend, telling me to leave my hospital bed when I was bleeding because it would cost her insurance a lot of money, etc., etc., etc. She even told an associate that I should be seeing another woman, because she is so busy with her college studies.

I have lived with this verbal trauma over the years. My only escape has been to focus on teaching and tutoring as a way to do something positive, because I am a positive guy.

I wonder if I were to have a tape recording of her "perfect" image, if she were to deny or make a joke of that. Had I known what she would change into, I would never have married her. In fact, a dear friend of mine saw she could change even before I married. I wish I had listened to her!