VLC with H and not really feeling anything

[capybara]

Hi everyone,

I know a lot of people here have too much contact with their exes. In my case he doesn't want to communicate at all now that I told him we will not reconcile. This is 90% fine with me, although it makes scheduling difficult with the kids.

This is the thing... I am in therapy and my T wants me to work through my feelings about H. I realized I have a lot of regrets that I couldn't heal him or make him happy (I know) but very few feelings about me and what the relationship was like for me. I honestly picture a wall between my awareness and all those feelings. In the relationship I really had to set my feelings aside for various reasons, including MC at the end, but it is also a response that goes back to my childhood.

Can anyone relate? What (if anything) has helped?

[Spygirl]

Perhaps we as the "caretakers" tend to put all our feelings aside to assist the pd. Then we do it to function in the relationship. Then we do it to protect and shield ourselves from abuse.

Personally, i discovered that my pdexh was not my first rodeo. He was the last and best(or worst depending on how i look at it) of a string of men i had relationships with. They were all the same. I picked them.

The hardest and most fulfilling part of Out of the FOG was realizing i always had the power to remove myself. To stop being mistreated as an adult. That i was a product of a mentally ill mother and that toxicity was my "normal".
So the psychologist was wonderful in shaking my brainwashing to see the disfunction in it. I cried alot, i feel pretty robbed still. I have lots of feelings now, and allow them to flow in a non destructive way. Letting them all come out is so important. You dont have to be strong for everyone now.

Its a process with no time limit to get better. I am finally starting to understand radical acceptance. You will get there as you are able to process the information.

I wrote a letter to my pdexh and said all the things i would never say to him or another soul. I burned it and had a glass of wine. It was cathartic. I need to do another for my momster. That one will be the most difficult.