It's been awhile

[Whatthehey]

It's been awhile I posted and tonight/today felt like a turning point for me in my post divorce life.  Divorce finalized in Jan and since then I had a severe set back.  I broke my leg and ended up being pinned back together and in a rehab facility for a month. There were a few days when the debate was keep the leg, had the cancer come back and in that time my leg screamed with pain.  Finally, I came home and 24 hours later school is moved to home and we are social distancing in this pandemic world.

The first few weeks I was still in recovery with my leg.  But a month has passed at home and today I went a whole day without pain.  Yipee.

And I felt joy for the first time.  Joy that he wasn't in quarantine with us.  Joy that I had all these weeks to sleep and convalesce.  Joy that I could wheel myself into the kitchen at 2 am wo answering questions or dodging complaints and anger.

He did scare me in the rehab facility.  I asked my son to drop something off and didn't hear from them for hours.  Concerned I called only to find he was coming instead and would be there after hours.  I told him to leave at the desk and someone would come down.  He didn't leave it and instead snuck into my room.  I was in my pjs and in the hospital bed and felt very vulnerable.  Cornered.  He pushed me for an extension on selling our house and I gave in.  The next day I had seizures and aphasia and they almost sent me back to the er.  The PTSD was in full force.  fortunately the facility worked with me and we developed a code in case it happened again.  It didn't but that terrifying night freaked me out.

But that was four weeks ago.  The only communication now is over text and a few phone calls.  I am still not wholly mobile and I am grateful my son is here to help me.  I did call my xOCPDh when I fell and he did come to the er.  I was grateful to have someone to hold my hand because the pain was so extreme.  It was just natural to call him.  I won't do that again though.  I went the following week on my own.  No kids and no x.  I made the decisions needed for surgery. Arranged insurance.  Handled all the decisions on my own.  but that initial shock and pain, I am glad that he was there to help.  the pain was so extreme I begged people to kill me.  literally kill me.  looking back I would have been ok with that it was so bad. 

so now I am living the social distance life and praying we make it through.  I don't think I would survive the virus with my compromised immune system from the cancer. 

Yet somehow, I am ok.  somehow, I am going to be ok and I am so very grateful not to be doing this social thing with him.  I don't think I would survive it.  I pray for all those who are stuck. 

[GettingOOTF]

It took me a long time to stop reaching out to my ex when overwhelming things happened to me.

I have shocked myself so many times with what I'm actually capable of doing for myself.

It's great that you got the divorce done before this quarantine. I'm grateful everyday I'm not stuck with my BPDxH.

It sounds like you are strong and getting stronger. You've been through so much and will get through this too.

I also have risk factors so am pretty locked down right now. I'm finding ways to deal with it. Some days are better than others.