3 years NC, they are trying to now get into my job and I need help and advice.

newlife33 · April 22, 2019, 02:12:24 AM

I am free as a bird for about 3 years from my abusive family. They don't have any information on me, except for my job. Recently they have begun to send packages and letters to me here. And recently it has increased. I work in education and there's security and no one can get into the building but I'm starting to have high anxiety that they may show up one day.

I guess I just need some advice on what to do. can I tell my boss or principal? I don't want to put my personal life in their business, but I also don't want to be embarrassed if they do show up. Is there any way that I can call the post office and have them not send packages from certain addresses?

I'm also trying to see if there is a common timeline of narcs attacking us at work. Has anyone else ever dealt with harassment at work and if so could they share if there was one incident, or if it was a slow build over time.

illogical · April 22, 2019, 07:57:57 AM

Personally, I have not experienced what you are going through. But if that happened to me, I would most definitely consider it harassment.

I would send them a letter via Certified Mail (so they have to sign upon receipt) telling them that they are to stop sending you letters and packages. These are unwanted and they are harassing you. Keep a copy of that letter, as well as document the packages and letters you have received, as far as dates and frequency.

If your family members persist after that, I would get an attorney involved. I am sorry you are going through this. Please take care!

practical · April 22, 2019, 08:43:15 AM

I second what illogical said. Sorry you are dealing with this, which to outsiders will sound so nice, when in truth it is emotional and psychological abuse.

newlife33 · April 22, 2019, 03:10:13 PM

Quote from: practical on April 22, 2019, 08:43:15 AM
I second what illogical said. Sorry you are dealing with this, which to outsiders will sound so nice, when in truth it is emotional and psychological abuse.

Thank you for reminding me that. I hate how manipulative they are. And to be honest it works on me a little bit. Everyone likes to get a package, so I was surprised. Then when I saw who it was from it really knocked me back a peg.

WomanInterrupted · April 23, 2019, 12:19:31 AM

Hi Newlife

I'm so sorry this is happening!

What I'd do, in your shoes, is contact an attorney and have him or her draft a Cease and Desist letter.

You can find templates online, but an attorney having your back is much better:

1. A C&D isn't actually legally binding, but puts your parents on notice that *you think this is serious enough you got a LAWYER involved.*

2. The way a C&D is worded, it doesn't *sound* like it's not legally binding!

3. Oh my God - you TALKED about family business - and aired our dirty laundry - to a STRANGER!

4. You didn't break NC. You had a third party intervene on your behalf.

Once the lawyer drafts the letter, *that's* when you voice your concerns to the principal and security - this is *serious.*

This isn't a misunderstanding, oh, they're sending you prezzies, so how bad can it really be?????

You are being STALKED at the only known address they have and are taking it seriously enough to involve a lawyer. Here's a copy of the C&D *to be kept on file* - 'Nuff said.

If your parents are talkers and can't wait to share news like, "Can you believe the nerve of Newlife for getting a lawyer involved!?! She's CRAZY! We've been saying it for years, and nobody believes us!"

Well, people *will* start believing YOU - smart people, sensible people, and people who have enough sense to either repair or let a relationship go before a lawyer tells them to STOP.

It's not normal to *force* unwanted contact - and people do notice.

If your parents aren't talkers - unBPD Didi was notoriously close-mouthed about me, and even wrote me out of the family, close to the end (embarrassed her only child wasn't tearing the universe apart to be with her MOMMA and SAAAAAAAVE her from herself

) - nothing will change, except maybe your parents getting the glimmer of a hint and just backing off.

A C&D letter also gets the ball rolling on a restraining order, should it go that far - and I hope it doesn't.

Protect yourself - your gut isn't wrong. If you feel like you're being stalked - you ARE.

newlife33 · April 23, 2019, 08:59:26 AM

I am going to follow your advice to a T! Thank you so much, you laid it all out really well.

Moxie890 · April 23, 2019, 09:37:47 AM

Sorry you are dealing with this! It can put you on the spot in front of your coworkers which really sucks. I hope they knock it off asap

LifeIsWorthLiving · April 23, 2019, 02:45:50 PM

I totally get the stalking aspect. My parents have done the same to me and one of my siblings. I actually did go ahead and tell my boss, but I totally understand not doing that. It was not a pleasant conversation. I wish you the best. This too shall pass!

Foggymoggy · April 23, 2019, 03:15:09 PM

Newlife, I'm here to sympathize with you. I am shaking right now at my NF's attempts this week to again break over 4 years of mostly NC that he initiated in writing. It is hard to acknowledge his behavior as stalking, though I know it is purely from my physical and psychological reactions. When we get mail, I write "Return to Sender" and let the post office handle it. I also work in education, and did eventually let the office manager know he and I were estranged and there was no reason for him to be in the building. The one time he did show up after that, she sweetly (and accurately) told him "she is not available" through the door intercom. He has not returned since.

I'm thankful for the C&D idea above, and am mulling it over as our next step as well. Twice this week, he's messaged that he wants to see me. Big no thanks.

Foggymoggy · April 23, 2019, 03:55:31 PM

Quote from: newlife33 on April 22, 2019, 02:12:24 AM
I'm also trying to see if there is a common timeline of narcs attacking us at work. Has anyone else ever dealt with harassment at work and if so could they share if there was one incident, or if it was a slow build over time.

I'm not sure how helpful these examples are, but to answer your question YES! My NF has appeared at my work, husband's, nephew's, bro-in-law's, and my sons' schools (he got through the doors behind other people coming for an assembly once but didn't get past the front office the 2nd time). Additionally, when he couldn't get my niece's (his step-granddaughter) address or phone number he drove 700 miles to the her hospital (she's a doctor), told the staff it was an emergency and had her paged. As far as I can identify any pattern, he usually starts by pumping someone for information or having his sister pump someone. If he can't get an address or number (most of my family has requested not to give him this), he will use the internet/social media to predict the person's whereabouts and show up. He acts like this is normal and you should be glad for the opportunity to visit with him.

Again, I don't know if this is helpful other than to say I hear you, I share your fear and anxiety, and my heart is with you.

qcdlvl · April 23, 2019, 08:33:38 PM

I think illogical's advice is excellent, and the only thing I'd add is to also tell the security folks directly about the stalking, to make sure everyone is on the same page. It could be "My parents are mentally ill and refuse treatment; for my own protection, I am no contact with them." No need to further explain the background.

Adria · April 25, 2019, 03:16:46 PM

Newlife,

I think you got some great advice here, and I don't have anything to add, except my sympathy for your situation. I know how hard this whole NC thing has been for you. Why does it seem like every time we start getting our feet planted firmly on the ground, they act up again? Wish you the best. Adria

newlife33 · April 26, 2019, 10:42:21 AM

Quote from: Adria on April 25, 2019, 03:16:46 PM
Newlife,

I think you got some great advice here, and I don't have anything to add, except my sympathy for your situation. I know how hard this whole NC thing has been for you. Why does it seem like every time we start getting our feet planted firmly on the ground, they act up again? Wish you the best. Adria

I think because they are going thru the opposite experience of us. As we approach these great moments of change, they are also experiencing great moments of pain, doubt, anger, etc. So they try to make new and desperate attempts to try and foil us and throw us off course.

LifeIsWorthLiving · April 26, 2019, 10:59:16 AM

As we recover, they continue fuming and scheming. It is almost like they can sense our freedom and independence and want to try to take that away. I don't think they really can, but I have noticed that when things seem to be going really well for me, they suddenly appear and drop a figurative turd on my doorstep. However, one thing I am really excited about is that it is taking me less and less time to recover from their crazy interruptions of my life.

newlife33 · April 29, 2019, 07:47:33 AM

Quote from: LifeIsWorthLiving on April 26, 2019, 10:59:16 AM

As we recover, they continue fuming and scheming. It is almost like they can sense our freedom and independence and want to try to take that away. I don't think they really can, but I have noticed that when things seem to be going really well for me, they suddenly appear and drop a figurative turd on my doorstep. However, one thing I am really excited about is that it is taking me less and less time to recover from their crazy interruptions of my life.

Thank you for saying this, I relate and agree with all you said. It is very true that when I am about to have a great moment of breakthru they seem to be able to sense it, and somehow manage to get a message or something thru all my defenses, via a distant cousin or some work email they sneak thru. I feel they are drug addicts, and are going thru withdrawals with no emotional supply. They are slowly dying inside and if they cannot find a replacement source of energy to replace me, they will keep up the attack.

And you are so right, I will keep reminding myself of that. It is so much easier nowadays to recover from an attack or a trigger. It's like it bounces off my chest instead of piercing my heart.