Just too much.

[Sojourner17]

I'm trying to process an incident from last night that has left me feeling some confusion, guilt, anger and sadness.  I'm purposely NOT going into detail as I don't want to trigger anyone and because it's not my place to share.

There have been a few incidents over the past few weeks concerning traumatic things happening to family friends. People I know but do not have contact with currently.  They are upsetting to say the least but if I did not hear about them from my mom I wouldn't have even known they were happening. 

I feel like a boundary has been breached but it seems cruel and cold hearted to say that I don't want her telling me stuff like this.  And yet, it sort of feels like next level/amping up emotionally as all is quiet with extended family right now. I'm trying to balance feeling concern for what others are going through with feeling overwhelmed and (perhaps in a way) burdened by the knowledge I now have about others who have no connection to me and whom I now have deep and intimate knowledge about issues that are quite evil and shameful.

She said a few things last night that kind of got my alarm bells going off. One was that she just needed to talk to someone that was a Christian/like minded about it and I was her first option. Then when she couldn't get me she called her friend (who is the same age as her) and she told her friend she would call her back but won't now that she talked to me. My thought was that her talking to her friend for support was a better option.

The second was that she now felt like the knowledge of what was going on defiled her home and that it defiled my home as well.  Thanks for that mom!  She could have spared me the defilement but chose to spread it around.  To be honest, I'm pretty angry about that. 

I just listened and then said I would pray but that I didn't have the bandwidth to do any more or talk about it further (shouldn't have said that...I had to cut her off as she started going into arguing with me) I told her we needed to get the kids to bed and ended the call.

I know we are supposed to carry each others burdens but I felt extremely burdened and in a way defiled, fearful, angry and like my stomach was in knots.  It was too much.   

[Leonor]

Hi Sojourner,

Much peace to you. Breathe deep. Clean air in. Toxicity out.

It sounds to me like your mother was trying to feel powerful by provoking a reaction in you. And to do so, she said things about people you are not close to that were absolutely none of your business. Even if she said something that was not necessarily troubling, it's still a boundary violation: taking personal information about one family friend and using it to manipulate a family member is just ... Ick.

None of this is about you, Sojourner. For one thing, you don't know if any of this is true. For another, even if it were, it's none of your business. And for another, even if it were true, and you did have regular contact with these people, you are powerful enough to decide how you want to navigate your relationship with them in a forthright, honest, and grounded way.

Focussing on what your mother said about who she said is only going to trouble you more with absolutely no productive, sane, or sensible outcome. In other words, it's not up to you to do or feel or think anything about it.

Instead, I think it's great that you were able to recognize that what your mother was doing was manipulative and upsetting, and you removed yourself from the conversation swiftly and firmly. Good for you!

You are not supposed to carry other people's burdens. That's why they are other people's burdens. You've got your own burdens. And how exactly do you think you would go about carrying them? Or that people who you are not close to would feel about you deciding you were the one who should carry their stuff for them?  Maybe they wouldn't want you getting near their stuff. Especially stuff, frankly, that you have no right knowing about in the first place. How mortifying it would be for a distant relative to come up to you, say your deepest secret, tell you how gross they feel about knowing this shameful thing in your life, and that they want to carry that burden for you! I think they would tell you to go pound sand, frankly.

So do something that cleans that upset out of your surroundings. Light a candle, say a prayer, or put a houseplant in a kitchen window, anything to make your space feel clean and good and bright again.

And if mom calls back with a nother juicy tidbit, you go ahead and draw your boundary of privacy and decency. That is the most respectful response for all.

[moglow]

None of this is about you, Sojourner. For one thing, you don't know if any of this is true. For another, even if it were, it's none of your business. And for another, even if it were true, and you did have regular contact with these people, you are powerful enough to decide how you want to navigate your relationship with them in a forthright, honest, and grounded way.

Dear Lord have mercy YES to this!! You have no way of knowing what if any is true OR why it's somehow your business in your mother's mind [and no, just because she supposedly knows doesn't mean you or anyone else should]. Mine used to tell me personal and private things about family members and when I flat out told her it's none of my business and I don't want to hear it, "well they're your family and you do have a right" Um NO. I don't have a right to their personal business unless and until they tell me themselves and ask for my help/input. THEN it's my business. That's been my stance since.

Know how gossip is defined? "a person who reveals personal or sensational facts. : rumor or report of a personal nature" [my insertion - typically of a negative or unpleasant nature, not intended to help another]. Since she presented this in a Christian context, let's ponder Ephesians 4:29: "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." 

To me, gossip is exactly what you describe your mother has done here - shared information for no other purpose than to tell something she supposedly knows, telling it with horror or glee. She's not seeking ways to help alleviate their situation or asking for your help on their behalf. We don't know what or how much is made up or blown out of proportion. We can assume that if any of those people knew she's telling it, they'd understandably be horrified, insulted and embarrassed. It's very simply not your stuff - OR hers. Mommie dearest presenting it under her Christian umbrella doesn't make it so.

And I'll be brutally honest here - it's my longheld belief that if they'll say it TO you about others, they'll say it ABOUT you to others. I trapped my own in just such a fracas, planted something to see what would happen and it came right back to me with a few interesting details added.

[hhaw]

Here's how I see it.  IF you can do something bout the situation and IF you're obligated to do so....example...a child or children are being abused and absolutely need protections put in place.....
this isn't your problem to pick up, live with or think about.

It's ok to put it down and leave it outside your home.

It's ok to sturdy up or put boundaries in place around what your mother shares with you.

If this isn't about child abuse, and maybe if it is, it sounds like gossip for the sake of shock and gossip sharing to me.

The only reason not to put it down is if you need to take action and ans and make anonymous phone call to report the abuse, then put the story back on the shelf and seek your joy again.

Breathe.  Refuse to carry other people's crazy for or with them.

It's not yours to figure out. 

[moglow]

Seriously - why does she need support? How did she come by this information? If it "defiles her house," so sharing it somehow makes it okay??? It's not at all cruel or cold hearted to withdraw from situations where you can truly do no good, and I'm proud you were able to cut it off. Yes, you can absolutely pray for them, just as you would for anyone else - around here we refer to those as unspoken prayer requests. We ask that His will be done, for Him to hold these unknown people close and provide comfort during their time of need, to guide and direct them as only He can do. We DON'T beg details of things of which we have no need.

[Cat of the Canals]

I feel like a boundary has been breached but it seems cruel and cold hearted to say that I don't want her telling me stuff like this.

What about it seems cruel? There is little reason she needs to share these things, for one. But even if she truly did "need to talk about it" with someone, that someone doesn't need to be you. Especially when you've asked not to hear these things. "I don't want to hear traumatic anecdotes when it's none of my business." is a perfectly reasonable boundary to have. Your anger is valid.

My PDmil is big on catastrophes. Loves to spread the word on deaths (especially suicides and overdoses), arrests, drug-related issues, divorces, job loss, affairs, etc., etc. Even worse, she worked in community health before she retired, so she knows a lot of "family secrets" of people in her town and is NOT shy about randomly mentioning it in passing conversation, as if commenting on how so-and-so was molested by her uncle is the same as commenting on the weather. It isn't about showing concern or needing support. She finds it stimulating, like a soap opera. And I absolutely hate the feeling of being complicit in her lack of discretion. It feels gross.

[SeaBreeze]

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. My late uNPDm often gossiped under the guise of mock concern, and/or she was, like your mother, "upset" by someone else's bad news or tragedy and needed to  "share" to get it off her chest.  When I lived with uNPDm (and later, when she sometimes lived with me) I often witnessed her getting on the phone (or her bullhorn as my father described it) to call friends, cousins, etc with the latest juicy news about another friend or family member. "News" she had no business sharing, which often led to conflict with various people during her life (like her father, for instance) but if course she was the victim.

I wasn't surprised when she started calling me with these sordid news reports. And I wasn't surprised, but still always very hurt and angry, when I was the subject of her calls to others. My enforcing boundaries on this led to her giving me ST a few times, and me going NC for 3 years before resuming contact toward the end of her life.

In our mom's final years, my brother used to set his kitchen timer when she called him. Hey, it worked! And I learned to just flat out tell her "I don't feel we should be discussing this" and then I'd either change the subject or tell her I had to get off the phone. You have every right to set boundaries around this sort of thing to protect yourself (and maybe set a kitchen timer...)

[bloomie]

Sojourner17 - one of the worst, most verbally destructive people I know uses this same rationale for what is slander and gossip. "She is just so upset she has to talk to someone." "She just needs to know that someone else is praying for the situation." So often, under the guise of a burden too hard to bear or how devastated she is she takes a wrecking ball to the privacy and often, character of others.

The passage from The Bible I believe you refer to about burden bearing (the first part of Galatians 6) is in context of gently and spiritually restoring, or helping, another who has been caught in wrongdoing with humility being careful to watch ourselves. The idea of bearing another's burden when you study it out is the concept that we are each required to carry our own back packs - be responsible for our own stuff - and when something comes along that is too much for another to bear alone, we come alongside of them and support them. It is exactly what we are doing right now as we share and support each other here on the forum boards.

You were spot on in your cutting short your mother's indiscretions. If your mother has a hands on role to play in whatever is going on with family friends then her support would rightly come from those already read in to the situation. Not spreading it further under the guise of a prayer request or burden too hard to bear up under. If she is trying to process painful info about family friends by sharing it with you and goodness knows who else, then she needs to do what you are doing and limit her exposure to it all and find ways to cope without breeching the confidentiality of others.

Sometimes we know things that are going on with others that are heartbreaking. The knowing in no way defiles us, but instead is an opportunity to treat the information with great respect and to do what we can to support. Which is usually keep our lips zipped and pray. You are 100% right, a boundary was violated and you knew it in your knower.

I wish there were more people like you out there refusing to throw gas on a wildfire by participating in hashing and rehashing over the tragedies of others.

[moglow]

The passage from The Bible I believe you refer to about burden bearing (the first part of Galatians 6) is in context of gently and spiritually restoring, or helping, another who has been caught in wrongdoing with humility being careful to watch ourselves. The idea of bearing another's burden when you study it out is the concept that we are each required to carry our own back packs - be responsible for our own stuff - and when something comes along that is too much for another to bear alone, we come alongside of them and support them. It is exactly what we are doing right now as we share and support each other here on the forum boards.

I really like the way you put that, Bloomie.

My mother is one of those who "just so upset she has to talk to someone..." or "I have to VENT!" as she spews nastiness that has nothing whatsoever to do with her. The things she used to tell me under the guise of "you need to know" - but why do I need that information? Her rationale was that she knew so I must therefore know, and she'd see to it that I knew. I think that may well be the beginning of our later-life schism, when I repeatedly pointed out it was none of my business and I didn't want to hear it. I felt there's enough poison and sadness out there, why spread it? Why snicker with glee over misfortune? Why not smile and wish others well, laugh with instead of at them, celebrate their joys?

[Sojourner17]

Bloomie Et al.  Thank you so much for all you wrote.  I didn't read it until now as life got away on me shortly after that incident.  I like what you had to say about coming alongside and bearing each others burdens in humility.  So often I've felt like the family garbage dump.  I know WAY too much garbage than what I should.  Since having kids my perspective has changed.  I don't want others garbage heaped on me.  I also don't want to know all about other peoples traumatic events second hand. 
I just want to learn how to stay in my lane.  If I see someone fall and I can help along the way great... but I don't want gossip strewn about.