triggered at work

[Justme729]

I work with children.  I love my job.  It is hard, but I couldn't imagine doing anything else.  I have had multiple people tell me I need to take a break after the class I have had this year.  I have two students who have significant trauma backgrounds.  One moved to another school & thankfully the educational needs are at least meeting met since they have the tools and resources to support.  The other student is still with me and the guardians are in denial about how the trauma is impacting behavior. The child's life so far mirrors my own.  I reached out to the family again & was met with a horrible response that was extremely triggering.  I wont go into all the details, as it would just be a vent more or less. 

I am at a loss of what to do.  I love my job.  I love it.  My trauma has been triggered all year trying to help these students.  To face my trauma in a new light all year.  I don't feel it is appropriate to discuss my trauma with my administrators nor with the families.  I was accused of not understanding how trauma impacts behavior.  That is the most hurtful thing that was said.  Oh, how do I know how trauma hurts.  I want to say "listen buddy, you want to talk trauma....I can tell you some stories."  I have had my therapist and those close to me tell me I need to take a mental health break from school next year.  All except my husband.  I am working with my therapist.  I just don't know what else to do.  I have never been so hurt.  I have spent hours processing and reprocessing my own trauma.  I have had to adjust my medications.  I have lost sleep.  I have lost time with my family.  All because I am triggered by his trauma.  It boils down to they are allowing trauma as an excuse for behavior.  It is OK to hurt due to the trauma, but there are still consequences.  Personality disorder at its finest.  I feel like a failure this year because I have had 2 students moved out of my class and 2 withdrew. 

And despite all of this - I want my mommy.  I want my fictional mommy that can wrap me up in a hug and tell me it will be OK.  Yet, I can't even talk to my mom because she is part of the cause.  I should mention that at the beginning of the year she purposely neglected her health, ended up septic, and almost died.  I realized I wouldn't feel anything if she did die.  I might even feel happy that her pain and suffering is no more since she lets us know how awful we all are so frequently.

[moglow]

Stepping up with a hug to stand in for your fictional mommy. I feel your pain and so wish I could take it away. Please accept and lean into this hug, hold on as long as you need to. I'm wearing cotton so if you need to cry, it'll dry itself just fine.

Not knowing what age the child[ren] are, I still feel pretty strongly that everyone needs to learn how to cope with and eventually heal from traumas, without destroying everything in their paths. To me, excusing bad behavior and there being no consequences serves no one - most of all the traumatized one. Honestly I'm pretty much convinced we all have stuff, it's how we carry ourselves and treat others that tells the tale. Further, if children aren't guided and taught how to cope, taught good manners regardless of circumstance, how are they to know how to function going forward? Yes, it'll take more for some than others, but one has an obligation to the children - ALL the children, yes? They're letting that child down by going along to get along.

You're NOT a failure. Find and hold your self-nurturing through this. Be gentle with yourself. Lean into and be gentle to your family. Now go cry and get it out for a bit. We'll still be here.

[SonofThunder]

Hi Justme729,

Im sorry sorry you find yourself in this situation. I also love MoGlow's reply.  Comment & questions gleaned both from your original post and Mo's reply:

A:  You may be one of the only adults in the children's lives who well understand the children's plight and also how their mind may process their experiences. 

B: Is there a way to re-frame this situation in your mind to see it as a blessing vs hardship?  *A way for you to use your job experience and expertise, in conjunction with your trauma understanding, to come alongside the children as a warm adult they can fully trust.  A way for you to accept the child's trauma as a potential helpful experience for you as well, in processing and dealing with your own trauma.

I know a gentleman who in his early 20's, was the solo eyewitness to a horrific auto accident where many died slowly and trapped while he stood helpless.  He was untrained in anything medical.  He was so traumatized, he simply left his car where he had pulled over and numbly walked down the road for hours. 

That incident transformed his mind and determination, to rapidly become an EMT, and he went full steam ahead in that pursuit; the trauma images of his eyewitness, seared into his mind.  He used his trauma to save lives and to this day, is still an EMT.

My first thoughts from the two posts above is that you may be the right-person/right-time for this exact moment, both for them and you. 

SoT
#AnEstherMoment?

[Liketheducks]

Moglow.....what a beautiful response.   It's what we all need.   To lean in, get a hug and support.   

[Leonor]

 

JustMe, I am so sorry for your distress and the pain of the children in your life. It is excruciating and I hope that you can lean into Moglow's embrace and truly feel the empathy and warmth we have for you.

I also love SoT's story, and I would say you are even more aware of your path ... after all, you felt called to work with children, with children who come from and live in trauma, even before these triggers came into your present. Your healing spirit moved towards this moment, which is painful and confusing and terrifying and infuriating ... and ultimately healing and miraculous.

Cheri Huber once wrote (I'm surely getting it wrong but you'll get the gist of it) that hard things don't come up in our lives to make us miserable or ruin our good time, but to be healed and embraced in compassion. The chaos, the frustration, the silencing, the anguish coming up for you ... this is an opportunity for you to really see and witness and experience exactly what you went through as a little child, but now, as an empowered adult. And every thing you have done in response is teaching you more about what happened and how the adults failed to listen or intervene or protect you. That helplessness you feel now is your childhood helplessness. That desperation you feel now is the desperation from back then. The confusion and hopelessness is your child's confusion and hopelessness. You have always carried these feelings inside of you, even when you thought you were doing "good," and now that you are in the adult role, your little inner Justme is tugging on your sleeve saying, "See? This is what it was like. This is why I did this or that or felt this or that or said this or that. This is how it was."

Can you find a nice, soft, quiet place and sit with little Justme for a while? Let her sit and have her feelings and hold her, and allow her to be sad and confused and really, really mad. Let your heart be with hers. She doesn't need you to make big decisions or take big stands or be the big person right now. She just needs to be heard.

Let her tell you what she needs, because that will be your path forward. That's where your healing will happen. Not in what anyone else thinks. Not in what big JustMe thinks she "should" do. In what little Justme needs, right in this moment.