So secretive!

[Cascade]

Can anyone explain why my pdh is so secretive about his doctor's appointments and the medications he takes? He's secretive about a lot of things though, not just medical things. I hardly feel like his wife at times.  He thinks it's perfectly normal. This puts me in a position where I feel like I need to what he would call "snoop" even though I'm just asking a question.

[SerenityCat]

This is a tough one.

Some adults, of all sorts, just don't want to share medical info with others, even their own partners.

Some adults won't even get medical help when everyone else thinks they need it.

I guess that as adults, all we can do is say when we are concerned, when we would like to know more. But we can't force them. And their boundaries need to be respected unless they are a harm to themselves or others.

Trying to figure out someone else's motivation for their behavior can be a trap. Sometimes it can be helpful, but we still need to figure out how to cope with their behavior.

Can you two be in couples counseling? And/or can you start therapy for yourself?

He is secretive, not sharing things with you - I guess in your situation I would need to think through what in the relationship is not working and get some help from a therapist. I'd need to also extra boost my own life.

[Poison Ivy]

My ex is secretive about money, but excessively not secretive about his health, at least when we were married.  I actually did not want to hear the details about his colonoscopy, the prep for the colonoscopy, how all the women in his therapy group were so into him. 

[MountainGal]

My experience--my BPD partner always expressed a desire for privacy about his healthcare. I respected this. What ended up happening was that he lied for years about his health--both physical and mental. And pretended he was going to doctors appointments when he wasn't. He wanted to pretend that he was working on problems, and I think he also enjoyed the drama/attention related to some of his made-up problems.

For me, we will need a lot of transparency in this area for us to heal.

I did figure out now that I can at least see if he is going to appointments by reviewing claims submitted to our health insurance. This gives me some reassurance in the real/not real department.

[Cascade]

I too can see when he has had a claim filled because the emails come to my account. That is how I found out he started on a new medication. I should know better by now not to try to figure out why he does the things he does, I already know he is not "normal".

[nightbird2012]

My DH was weird about medical things, too.  He also has ADD, and once his doctor had prescribed Adderall.  He got more distractable and flighty, so he made the decision to stop taking it.  Months later, I'm going through his pockets prior to doing the laundry and I find a little zip lock bag of pills.  I looked them up and found that they were Adderall.  Why on earth would he hide these pills from me, when they had been prescribed before? I asked him later if he was still off the Adderall, and he said yes. So I then asked what the pills were I found in his pocket? He looked uncomfortable, and said he'd found them on the ground.  I didn't believe that for one second, but I told him that if he felt he had to hide things, fine, but if there was a medical emergency where he couldn't speak for himself, how could I tell the doctor what medications he was on? 

[MountainGal]

Cascade, since you get the updates, maybe this is something to think about boundaries around. Does he understand that you will see the updates? Do you need to know what medications he is taking? And if so, why? How could you express that to him in a way that is non-confrontational? What would you do if he said he did not want to share the details with you?

I like why nightbird said about needing to know for a medical emergency. That's a very good reason to need to know a partner's medical information.

[1footouttadefog]

Adderall pills are worth a lot of money perhaps he continued to receive tue subscription and sold them.

[IDM-41692]

Cascade, for your original question about why your PDh is so secretive. I realize I probably don't have enough information but I have experience with a BPDw. I think the two motivations are power and shame. When my wife's emotions start to escalate she will start withholding information. From everything from schedule, doctor appointments, things with her daughters (my step-daughters). It keeps me in the dark. Shame: he may not feel good about the fact that he needs to take medications especially if it's related to his PD. My wife has a very sophisticated brand of denial about things that are contrary to the narrative she perpetuates the demeaning me and avoiding her bad behaviors. It's quite extraordinary. It's frustrating but I suspect it comes from her inability to accept herself as she is. The reality is too painful.

I may be way off, but that's one thought...

[Stillirise]

Cascade,
I’ve been thinking about this since you originally posted. I agree that some people are more private about health than others.  However, IME, for the PD, the secrecy about health, and everything else, appears to be about power, shame, and control, as Dave mentions above. 

UPDh and his FOO are “top secret” about lots of things that I feel most ordinary people discuss with their trusted family or close friends, including health issues, major life decisions, life challenges, etc.

I have also noticed over the years that they use the tidbits of information they learn about others to build themselves up, or disparage others in some way.  I suppose if that’s how you operate, you would think it sensible to keep as much information as you can about yourself private, so no one can use it against you.  Meanwhile, you want to file away everything you learn about others for future use.

Ex: I had severe preeclampsia with one of my pregnancies. My blood pressure has remained slightly elevated ever since. UPDh knows this. Recently, before I settled into MC, during a typical PD circular conversation, I became angry and upset.  Then he said, “You better calm down. Your blood pressure is up, and you’re probably going to stroke out soon.”  Meanwhile, he refuses to outwardly acknowledge the effect his heavy drinking, or anything else, has on his own health. 

[Cascade]

Yes, I think you are right about it being about power, with a bit of shame and control too. He likes to see himself as a lot younger than he is so maybe the fact that he needs so many prescriptions bother him. He also often keeps his appointments and work schedule to himself. He leaves the house without saying a word to me most of the time too.
Still rise, that's a terrible thing to say to you, about your blood pressure. These people are so stressful to be around!

[nightbird2012]

Adderall pills are worth a lot of money perhaps he continued to receive tue subscription and sold them.

Wow, I hadn't even thought of that!

[IDM-41692]

One other thing Cascade. I may not have had the opinion I do had you not said that he was secretive about more than medical stuff. I could kind of see that as a sensitive area and if it was confined to that maybe that's just a quirk. It's always that patterns that jump out to me. So much of what my BPD wife says doesn't make sense. Like the circular conversations. But when if theorize the reason is to steer the conversation away from anything related to her inappropriate words and behavior, it makes perfect sense. She will change the subject, continue to not answer a question, start criticizing me. Perhaps the most effective of her techniques is to accuse me of what she is doing. It's really effective.

[Cascade]

Perhaps the most effective of her techniques is to accuse me of what she is doing. It's really effective.

Dave, I've experienced that too, like when my husband calls me snoopy when he is the nosiest person I have ever met. Not just with me but our neighbours and nearly every body.

[1footouttadefog]

Sorry but I would not tolerate my PhD being secretive about medical stuff.

While were were intimate especially I would want to know what his medical issues were, infections, std, psychological meds, I would have the right to know. 

At the point I cannot be trusted with this info, there is not enough relationship left to merit intimacy anyway. 

[capybara]

BPDH is kind of secretive about his health, although he will usually tell me if I ask a direct question. I think it is about shame. He has some unhealthy habits that are starting to take a toll on his body. I think there is a lot of shame around that, but at the same time, the habits are a coping mechanism.

It seems like a lot of our spouses on here have health problems, often lifestyle- or substance-related. My T said there is often self-sabotage involved by the PD. Do other peoples' partners have health problems too?

[1footouttadefog]

Self sabataged, yes I see that in my spouse.  He is currently binge eating alot and is starting to feel poorly as a result.  He has stopped gaining weight so I suspect he is abusing laxatives.

[losingmyself]

I can see self sabotage in my updh, but he's not secretive, it's the opposite. I handle all his medications and appointments. But, I had better not mess up! He yells and lets me know that basically I failed. At doing something that he should be doing in the first place.  He doesn't like being told what to do, so if his Dr says to stop smoking, he'll smoke more, or cut down on sugar because he's diabetic, he'll just keep on. I think his attitude is that if something happens, it won't be his fault?  I don't know what goes on in his mind. He always said he wouldn't make it to 50. Friday is his 50th birthday...  I think he just doesn't care.