Third party communication service?

[Nina]

In the process of arranging our mother's funeral, but my narcissist sister is not communicating respectfully. My long-term aim is to cut ties with both of my siblings after the funeral and estate settlement, but there are immediate matters that require us to engage. I have been going to great lengths to make sure all my interactions remain civil and respectful. However, my sister has not reciprocated with the same level of respect.

I'm contemplating the need for more assertive measures. Is anyone aware of any mediation or intermediary services that can be utilised to compel my sister to communicate through a neutral third party? This could potentially facilitate better communication, as it has become evident that she regards herself as being above the usual requirement for courteous and productive discourse. My aims are to communicate that her current approach is unacceptable and to protect myself from further abuse.

Thank you!

[bloomie]

Hi there. I am so sorry that an already difficult time is further complicated by siblings unwilling to communicate and cooperate like adults. Very hard stuff.

I am in a similar situation (with elder in final days) trying to communicate and organize care for our elder and am encountering similar stonewalling and game playing. It is an uphill battle just trying to get simple details worked out.

Some things that have worked for us and your circumstances are unique and some of this may not work for you, but thought I would share.

Communicating through attorney for estate related paperwork, signatures, etc.
Communicating through a spiritual advisor - pastor to coordinate and organize celebration of life.
When direct communication is absolutely necessary using a group communication so everyone is hearing the same thing at the same time.
Refusing to engage in anything personal or have one on one conversations in person, via text, via phone, etc.

As a last resort - Unilaterally moving forward with urgent decisions when there is obfuscation and refusal to engage as we have POA.

We have learned a lot from the work of Bill Eddy who teaches the BIFF method - Brief, Informational, Friendly, Firm when ever we are required to be in touch.

Here is a link to his free articles that have been a big help with a high conflict sibling - and believe it - stonewalling, refusing to be courteous, engage, answer queries and make joint decisions is high conflict.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/hci-articles/how-to-write-a-biff-response

Good luck with this. Let us know how you are doing!

[NarcKiddo]

I am sorry you are having this trouble.

If you are using a lawyer for assistance with administering the estate then they would be an obvious person to insist she communicate with. It will add to the costs, of course.

I am not aware of any intermediary service, but I am in the UK so you may have different resources where you are. What I would do in these circumstances is see if somebody is prepared to act as the middle man and then direct her to communicate only with that person. Over here it would be easy enough to draw up a power of attorney authorising that person to communicate with all and sundry on your behalf in connection with a particular matter. Of course you would not need to use that person to communicate on your behalf with everyone, simply with difficult parties like your sister and they could then pass on to you any practical information you need minus any of the drama generated by your sister. The somebody could be someone "official" like a lawyer if you are prepared to pay their fees but it could just be somebody you trust who is robust and prepared to help you.

Good luck with this.