UNOCPD ruins the excitement

sevenyears · July 31, 2020, 05:28:28 PM

Ok - I know. I shouldn't have contacted my DS5 while he's with his father, my unocpd xh. Mistake. It just opened the door for unocpd xh to destroy DS anticipation and excitement about his next week with me. DS5 and I had three wonderful weeks together. It was hard to reduce contact to three skype talks during a week. So, after I picked up the stuffed animal he ordered with his birthday money, I sent a text to unocpdxh with a message to DS about the present because he was sooooo excited! UNOCPDXH let DS5 call me before he went to bed, which was great. But, what did XH do the next day? He took DS to the store and got him the EXACT. SAME. THING.

I feel like UNOCPD XH is on a campaign to convince DS that it's better with him than with me. (The same for DD, but that is another topic). He let's DS keep his pacificier, which he gave up with me over a year ago. He is always sooo excited to return to XH's each week because he gets his pacifier. He gets two ice creams a day at XH. He lets him watch tv shows that are more appropriate for much older kids. He gets to eat lots of junk food. The list goes on. Life with daddy is a five year old's dream. Then, he comes to mommy, who limits the icecream and junk food, says no to the pacifier and gives him boundaries. Then DS5 has meltdowns. I know the meltdowns are age appropriate - but they seem to be reactions from the differences between me and XH as well. And, sometimes he hits me. We're working on learning ways to deal with anger.

Generally, I'm frustrated with dealing with the fall out every week. But, this time, what really gets my gander is that XH ruined DS's anticipation and excitement about something with me.

Associate of Daniel · July 31, 2020, 06:03:51 PM

I know this frustration well. And in my case, as in many others, it's very much amplified when my uNPD exH is rolling in money and I'm not.

But I want to encourage you a little.

My ds (now 13) was just under 6 when his uNPD father left me for his uNPD girlfriend.

Ds quickly adjusted by compartmentalising: "This is what I do and who I see with Mum. This over here is what I do and who I see with Dad."

The 2 households are completely different. I have far less technology and money, and more rules.

We're now in a situation where ds appreciates the differences between the 2 houses.

He feels very restricted at his uNPD father's place. There he feels he has to be perfect, all of the time. He daren't stand up to them. Here he can be himself.

They live in an apartment in the city. No backyard. Noisy traffic. No way to "stretch the eyes", as my Grandad used to say.

At my place we have trees to climb in our backyard. It's quiet. We take rides and walks in natural bush areas. The air is fresher. We can kick a ball around and shoot hoops in our own yard instead of having to go somewhere else to share common facilities. We dug our own fire pit and roast marshmallows over it.

All things he can't do at his uNPD father's place.

So I encourage you to find things that you can do or have at your place that your ex can't (or won't) Perhaps playing musical instruments together, or cooking or billiards.

With the teddy situation, perhaps approach it with excitement. "Oh that's lovely that you can have 2 teddies. One here, one there. They can be twins! If you want to bring teddy from daddy's place we could have a teddy bear's picnic!"

(My advice is to not tell your ex of anything you have or that you have planned. Just surprise your son with it while he's with you.)

Likely your ex will always try to one up you. But you may well find that your ds will grow to appreciate the differences between the 2 homes.

Especially if you are positive with him about his dad and not negative. It's likely that your ex speaks negatively to your children about you. If you show them you're not upset by what the ex says about you and if you always remain respectful about him to your children, they likely will come to notice and appreciate you for it.

It's a long and bumpy road but it does get better.

AOD

pushit · August 01, 2020, 07:53:37 AM

sevenyears - I can totally relate, and agree it's frustrating. The only way I've figured out how to deal with it is just to expect it to happen and be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't. My exPDw downplays and ruins any excitement over anything nice I do for the kids. She spoiled s5 on soccer, he was enjoying it and then one day threw a fit when I was taking him there. He told me he was mad at me for forcing him to do it. Those were his mom's words, he had asked to try out soccer so I signed him up. I also bought him new shoes that he picked out and loved, then the next time I picked him up he was in tears complaining about how they were too small and hurt his feet. Another crying fit.

My older two are starting to figure it out. d7 doesn't say much, but she is very thoughtful and I can tell she appreciates being at my house because it brings the freedom to speak your opinion and not "perform" for the PD all the time. d10 is harboring some anger right now, because exPDw is routinely lying to her about me and then when d10 challenges me on something I tell her the truth which usually contradicts whatever mom said. Right now d10 is trying really hard to believe mom instead of me, she tells me she has "secrets" with mom that she won't tell me about. I know mom is grooming her to be on her side, but the truth is slowly chipping away at that. I try to keep d10 out of the adult conversations and remind her that she shouldn't be involved in adult decisions, but it's next to impossible because exPDw is placing her in the middle. exPDw is her own worst enemy though, I know eventually she will be caught in a big enough lie that the veil will be lifted from d10's eyes, all I have to do is wait patiently for it to happen.

Like AoD wrote, I've also found it's best to just keep things separate at your house. New bike? No big announcement that mom hears about, the kid gets the bike at my house and if they have a cool (or better) one at mom's too then that's great! Sometimes staying out of it and letting the kids decide for themselves helps, I don't ask the kids at all about what they like better here or there. Example - My d10 recently went on a bike ride with her summer daycare class. exPDw texted me and asked me to drop off her bike. I asked why because d10 had just been telling me about how great the bike at mom's house is. exPDw wrote back that d10 likes the one at my house better. I was never trying to compete, just bought d10 what she picked out, but it brought a little smile to my face when I read that because I knew it probably burned a little inside for exPDw to have to ask me to bring it.

sevenyears · August 02, 2020, 12:40:36 AM

AOD and pushit, thanks for your thoughtful responses, and for reenforcing - keep things separate!! Normally, I do. This time, I slipped and got burned. I know he has a pattern of one-uppence. He did this too the last time their grandparents were in town (before the pandemic). They live six time zones away and hardly got to see the kids on their visit because the parenting schedule changed between the time they booked the flights and the time they were here. So, on their last day, unocpdxh agreed the grandparents could take them for lunch during his parenting time at the kid's favorite restaurant nearby. What did he? He took them there the night before!

Plus, he has to be the center of attention, and the most important, if not only, person for DS. He lives still in our marital home with a garden and small pool. I moved out into a flat in the middle of town with no outside space, before moving into a small apartment with a small balcony. I'm the one who sets and enforces healthy child appropriate boundaries - unocpd xh doesn't. It's a five year old's paradise with papa. It's frustrating and tiring. Just like your PD, pushit, spoiled soccer for your DS, mine spoiled swimming for DD. He's doing the same for a new sport for both children. It's sad that he spoils so much for the children because of his sick mind. DD gets it a little more. She's older, and at XH's place, she's usually the SG. DS is the GC, and younger, so he doesn't see how he is being manipulated and gaslighted.

When DS returns to me in a couple of hours, of course, I'll be really excited for him for his new stuffed animal from daddy. He told me on the phone that he wants to play "zoo." :-)

Penny Lane · August 03, 2020, 08:43:58 AM

Yes yes yes, all this. Anytime we buy ANYTHING for the kids, BM runs out and buys the exact same thing. Down to the same brand and everything. She will even take the kids on trips to places we go. I read in a book about alienation that this is a type of alienation - at its worst, the PD is trying to replace the kids' memories with you so when they remember this item, they remember the PD and not you.

She also tries to spoil stuff that we have here. Sports, definitely, and also video games, board games, activities we do together ... anything she can. As the kids have gotten older and they've had a lot more say in what they do, BM has gotten much less successful at this. The kids know their own mind and that they ASKED to do whatever thing it is..

AOD and pushit hit on exactly the strategies we use.

It's not a competition and you don't want to think of it as such. BUT even if your ex's house is better in some ways, remember that your house is better in some ways too. (In fact, the PD knows this and that's why they react so defensively and steal anything that's "yours"). This is not to say that you should try to win the competition that your ex is making. But my point is that you and the kids can enjoy the good stuff about your house, totally irrespsective of what they like about their dad's house. When the kids start comparing houses I ask them to tell us things they like about BOTH houses, ours and BM's. It gets them out of the competitive mindset that she likes to instill and is a metaphor for how they can love both their parents.

The other is to act like you're excited about the good stuff they have at their dads. Like AOD said. "Oh that's so great!" Even if you know it's part of their dad's manipulation and alienation. Again that reinforces that it's not a competition, that you are on their side and you are happy when they have things they like, whether or not you bought them.

And of course DH never ever tells her about something if he can help it. Usually the kids do end up telling her although I kind of suspect part of the reason they tell her is because they know that she will then buy them something.

At its heart, I really see this behavior as an acknowledgement that you are better at parenting than him. He has to copy you because he doesn't really know what to do to be a good parent on his own.

hhaw · August 03, 2020, 04:41:26 PM

Kids want boundaries and rules. They help them feel safe and secure, even if they resist and throw tantrums, IME.

WHen kids are calm, ask questions about healthy food choices, healthy teeth, good habits and how they think they'll be impacted by good, better, best choices. Letting them come to their own conclusions without TELLING them what to think and feel, can be very helpful, IME.

Kids are so smart. They're built to manipulate situations like this.

Once they know they can't, they settle down and get used to it. They're more stable, IME.

It's not easy, but it's worth the effort of being calm, consistent and keeping a good routine in place.

Good luck,

Associate of Daniel · August 03, 2020, 07:14:48 PM

I think one of the most important things we can do for our children is to always be calm.

To acknowledge the fun they have at the pd parent's house positively. To show them we are not upset by the pd's antics, and if we are upset, to calmly tell our children that we need a little time to process the information. To always speak only positively of the pd parent.

Of course these are very broad brush strokes but you get the idea.

Us being calm and positive goes a long way to our children feeling safe, and feeling safe to be themselves around us. And it helps them to feel safe in opening up to us about their feelings etc..

This has really come home to me this year as my ds13 went to live with his uNPD father and uNPD smother.

Our weekends together are so special and I know that, despite all the money and gadgets at his uNPD father's home, he loves coming home to me. I'm truly blessed.

Then again, he's only 13. Ask me again when the teenage years really kick in!

AOD

sevenyears · August 04, 2020, 05:07:14 PM

Thanks everyone. I am complaining here because it is safe for me to do so. And, because you remind me of how to deal with the FOTY phenomenon.

Of course, when I'm talking to the kids - everything to do with their father is great. And, I don't compare or compete. He doesn't reciprocate. It's a barrage of criticism and one-uppences, which is .... sigh....

AOD - I know it's been really hard for you from your other posts. it sounds, though, like you're doing a great job of playing with the deck of cards you were given.