Validation

[Associate of Daniel]

I don't believe that unpd/ppdxH's family is PD.  We've always got along despite having very little in common.

However, they are easily led, and tend to believe and run with the most sensational stories. They generally don't step back and wait for evidence or pursue more reputable opinions.

Once my (now) xh left, his family disappeared from my life. I was immediately off the Christmas and birthday card lists, they've never contacted me unless I've contacted them first, they've refused invitations from me to catch up and they don't come to their door to say hi on the rare occasions a changeover of my ds  occurs at their place.

I've often wanted just SOME form of validation from them. Some acknowledgement that their son is perhaps not the best human being on the planet.

I get that it's painful and awkward for them. But what about me?

Recently a thought occurred to me though:  if they were to suddenly contact me with some acknowledgement of their son's appalling behaviour, not to mention his u/narc wife (he left me for her nearly 4 years ago) would I believe them? Could I really trust anything they say? Would they just be flying monkeys?

I receive validation occasionally from various others in my life, thankfully. Should I just be content with that?

AOD

[bopper]

For them, it is easier to keep the PD relatively happy.  They dont' want to get on his bad side.
Also they probably hear the lies about you and just don't really want to get involved.
Be happy they are not actively trying to bother you.

[gaslightedbug]

Not only is it easier to keep the PD happy but perhaps you are seeing their PD come thru also. The lack of validation may be some form of their own personal problems. I've found PDs do not ever want to admit wrong doing. By giving you the validation you are seeking they would have to admit some fault in theirselves. At least that's what I see in my pd mother and ex. Always wants to keep up this perfect parent (or victim depending on the situation) appearance. I wouldn't trust if they were to come to you after this long and perhaps you can find peace knowing you are better off without dealing with all that including the families apparent fair weather love and attention.

[sweetpea79]

I say the same thing.. Why even want to deal with it.
I get they were in your life at one time and they are your child's grandparents, but clearly there is a lot going on, with that whole side of the family.
If you have to pick your child up at their home, show respect, wave, nod if they are in close enough distance, say the hellos and how you doing, even if they do not respond. It takes one person to be the mature one and to show these children what respect is and kindness.
Maybe they will one day come around, maybe not..

I know my SD BM, her mom acts like a scared little child around my H and I if BM is around her. She can show no emotion, say anything to us, nothing. The minute BM is not in site, BMs mom (SD grandmother) acts just that, a sweet grandmother to us..
They have their own issues.. Let them deal with it..
We all have enough to deal with, with the PDs alone..

[Associate of Daniel]

Thanks for your replies, Bopper, Gaslightedbug and Sweetpea. I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier. I'm restricted to using my phone and each time I've replied in this thread it's seized up before I could send the message.

I agree with you all. I'm not overly hung up about the lack of validation from ex's family. I have very little time or emotional energy to spend on thinking about it. I guess I just sometimes wonder how they can't see the truth of their son's and his wife's behaviour.

And I wonder too how it would go if he were to stop being part of their lives. I'd then have to repair the lost time in order to keep my ds involved with his grandparents. Anyway, just musing.

AOG

[lilyflower236]

I have the opposite situation in some ways, but it also leads to its own set of problems. My ex-in-laws and I have stayed very close. They can see that their son for what his is, and how he contributed to the dissolution of our marriage. But I'm also the first to admit I contributed to the end of the marriage as well, but in different ways. They still love their son, and they still love me. I was a part of their family for 14 years. I have dinner at their house at least once a week, they help with childcare, and my son get to maintain close ties with his extended paternal family, closer than even his own father is. Family and grandparents are important to me because I was partially raised by my maternal grandmother. My in-laws even gave me a place to live for six months when it all came out that their son was sleeping with my landlady/next door neighbor, which left me and their grandson in a very precarious and incredibly stressful housing situation. They have basically adopted my second child (their grandson's half-brother) as another grandson too. They are a huge part of my social support system.

But ... this comes with a cost to them, and me. My ex is livid, and has been for years that his parents have maintained ties to me. He insists I "use" them. He sends nasty emails to his mother, and his gf sends nasty texts to her. But yet my in-laws have tried repeatedly to smooth things over -- taking them and the gf's children on a beach vacation, including them all in family meals and holidays, etc. But that's not enough for my ex and his gf. He has tried to "forbid" them from doing things with me, and at least twice his mother has caved. It sucks, she's one of my favorite people in the world and I hate seeing her in pain. But my ex-in-laws are not picking favorites, they're trying to do what's best for the children by staying friends with me. Every time my ex knows I've spent time with his parents, he gets angry and stirs up trouble. It never ends. Lately I have established more boundaries (thanks in large part to this website!) but he has been redirecting his rage toward his mother more and it really sucks.

[Associate of Daniel]

What terrific in laws you have. It's great that you can show your children what maturity in adult relationships looks like. But I'm very sorry to hear of the resulting problems they have with their son and his girlfriend.

Ah, yes. The old "I forbid you..." thing. How many times have I heard this? Unfortunately I fell for it way too many times to the detriment of my ds and my own mental well being. I've since learned that most of the time it's just bluster. But it's still hard to stand up against it.

AOD

[Associate of Daniel]

I've just come across this old thread that I started over 4 years ago.

(Lilyflower, if you're still with us, are things still ok with your ex inlaws?)

So...my ex MIL contacted me just over a year ago.

Their son (my uNPD exH) has cut contact with them and they hadn't seen ds13 for I think about 18 months as a result.

I met with her and have since met a couple of times.

We are getting along well -they're very validating of my experiences with their son and his uNPD wife.   

We arranged a meet up with them, ds and their daughter and her family.  They had a fantastic time.

UNPD exH went ballistic  and since then ds is scared to see his grandparents.

He did see them once again as organised begrudgingly by his uNPD smother.  He and his nan had a lovely time while uNPD smother sat stony faced and said absolutely nothing.

With Covid no visits are happening of course. But ds exchanges the occasional text message with his nan. 

Just thought I'd update as my initial post wasn't hopeful.  Things are a little more positive now.

AOD