I have a severe COPD spouse

[Jsinjin]

Ive posted a lot in common behaviors and there was a point when I was seriously working on separation and divorce.   I have been married 30 years to a spouse with severe OCPD who is incredibly high functioning; school, college, law school, career, politician (local) and advisor and leader in many organizations.   We have a good "appearance to others" life on the outside.   My career is fine, kids are all in college or nearly there and houses are paid off so finances are not a problem.   

I live with a person for whom hoarding, loss of any possession, someone putting a spoon in the fork drawer, improperly loading the dishwasher, choosing the "wrong" parking spot or placing the garbage can out of the range of 12-18 inches from the curb is cause for violent anger and emotional break downs.  A possession could be anything from a family heirloom to a credit card application letter ad that arrived in bulk.mail.

We have been in couples counseling and I have been learning about some of the reasons she rationalizes her behavior.   She has no idea what ocpd is and truly deeply believes the word is often not following the "rules".   

I had some severe depression with this and got help.  Lately I've been learning that I can learn some of the reasons and get help with the way she behaves and also set some boundaries on my own spaces and ways I can be treated.   She used to perform these police style interrogations if something like a spice container was put in the wrong place in the cabinet (out of order or something).  It wasn't to let me knowmi did it, it was to interrogate and find out who did.this, why how it was chosen and what the culprit was thinking.   If one of us, me or the kids, did not respond to her loud statements from the kitchen she began to immediately escalate in anger and volume until she was screaming and throwing spice containers and shouting about how 'no one cares about her spices'

I have been able to get her to understand that for those types of situations it is completely not acceptable to me to have to be treated that way.

I have not even been able to touch the hoarding which is 30 plus years of every piece of mail, every article from two daily newspapers, every magazine, and everything she gets from work and things like conferences for this whole time.   Also every article of clothing and every single thing that has come home from the kids schools in that time.   But I bought a second house nearby for my office and it's mine and has no hoarding.

I'm posting here because I'm learning about how to protect myself mentally and emotionally when I stay married to her.

[Cascade]

I think it was a very good idea for you to buy your own house, a place where you can get away from the hoarding for a break. I personally couldn't tolerate the hoarding and would throw things out, so you are handling it much better than I would be able to do. I work with a very messy person who might be a hoarder, and it is a real struggle for me not to throw away the mounds of junk on their desk, floor, and every square inch of their space.

[sunshine702]

Yeah I posted about my now Ex Mother In Law and the dead husband's construction trash hoarding field.  It caused the final split in my relationship I think.  It was a Narc injury to mom who I think poisoned her son to me - the contempt and violence escalated . But so be it.  It showed me who and where everyone was truly at.  I completely understand.  So yeah go "there" only when you are ready. But you have to look after yourself and you are.  I think you are super smart having a respite area!