It's this kind of thing . . .

JustKeepTrying · February 04, 2022, 12:46:43 PM

I have been divorced for two years and was married for 32 to my xOCPDh. Something happened this week that just is a perfect example of the kind of constant stress that underwrote all of the other extreme examples of his PD.

Last week I couldn't log into our family shared tv plan. It's a plan that I have tried to ditch and I split with him and all the adult children subscribe to. It is expensive but splitting it makes it manageable. I feel obligated to stay with it as all the children use it weekly if not daily. So when I couldn't get it, I tried to log into the joint email that serves as the login. Of course both programs had new passwords. Which means he had changed them at some point.

I reestablished the passwords with a similiar password and that was that. I shouldn't have affected the tv plan it was only the email password I changed. Everything was working and I know that both my x and I have new emails and new cell plans and the only thing that is joint is this *&^ tv plan.

While in the email I found two sent emails (must be attached to the outgoing feature on his new phone plan) with a photo of my mother's afghan and a receipt for a cruise that I had always wanted to take. Putting the cruise aside, I sent a group text asking if anyone knew where my mother's afghan was? Everyone including my x responded that they did not have the afghan. He even said he didn't have any of the afghans from the house. Yet I had photo proof he did. Today he sent a joint text to everyone asking if anyone changed the password to the tv program and or email. I gave him the updated password and left it at that. Now I am waiting for the shoe to drop on what I know will be an issue brought up later. Somehow somewhere he will mention it.

Yes, it's not a big thing and over the decades I have walked away from so many of this type of low level gaslighting. It's only a blanket but it's the blanket my mom crocheted for my high school graduation. He knew that. It is just this type of crappy stuff that is childish, stupid and just plain annoying. I know it's only a blanket but it's been decades of this kind of thing. Why not just say "Oh, shoot I forgot that's yours where should I mail it?" Why pretend? Why make a big issue out of it and this whole cat/mouse game with emails passwords. It's exhausting. It's controlling.

It's the kind of thing that you tell someone and look at you like why is it a big deal. Why are you making a big deal out of it? You must be crazy to make a big deal out of a blanket.

But I know that the people here know it isn't about the blanket. It's about his control over me and the blanket is his last ditch effort to cause me pain. To stick it to me. Yet that sounds crazy too.

Sigh. I know I have to say goodbye to the blanket and I will work my budget to say goodbye to the tv plan and send new login to the kids. I just hate this. Something so simple ruined by his childish behavior.

Or am I off base here?

SonofThunder · February 04, 2022, 01:37:47 PM

Hello JKT,

Im sorry this is occurring regarding his proactivity about the password, yet his lack thereof regarding the wonderful and meaningful afghan. In my experiences, the PD's in my life enjoy the attempted control only when they receive feedback that their predatory actions are yielding the thrill for them at the expense of the target.

In my experiences, If the target's feedback never results, it stops, or the targets's attitude becomes purposefully indifferent (the method i typically use), they will typically move on to something else. The reason i choose indifference vs ignoring, is it acknowledges the attempt by the PD, but conveys that i dont even care. The PD does not receive the thrill of my desired concern, but conversely receives my indifference, which has a strength building effect on me, and the PD receives the exact opposite of what they intended.

Imo , ignoring their attempts may be for some, their desire, and all are free to chose, but my PD's go out of their way to craft manipulation to get feedback. Again, the choices of feedback to the PD from me (the target) can be:

A: None. The PD assumes the missile of manipulation reached its target even though I didn't respond. (PD receives some power/control feed)

B: I convey to the PD that missile reached its target and that ive been hit/angered. (The predatory PD desires this=max control feed for the PD)

C: I acknowledge to the PD (very Medium Chill/noJADE) that a missile was incoming, but that in indifference, im not concerned. (Missile missed the target: PD gets no feed).

In my experiences, only C yields me the good energy/strength in the control attempt. Therefore I proactively choose C whenever possible. Do i believe the afghan is important; that you should possess it; that you should proactively continue (covertly) to locate it? If it were me...yes.

It it were my beloved afghan, I would choose to proactively, in indifference, declare by another email to the same group (including PD), that the afghan is not a focus of mine any longer but thanks for any responses received (my choice of C). In my mind, I would also attempt to quietly sweep up the initial mind-mess from the afghan control missile and write it off positively as a part of my trade for freedom and peace. Done.

But, at the same time, assuming the proactive afghan control missile attempt is now neutralized by my C choice of indifference, i covertly remind only my kids that if they ever see the afghan over at the ex's house, please consider quietly grabbing it for me, but if not, i have fully reconciled it, in my mind.

SoT

Andeza · February 04, 2022, 06:02:34 PM

I'm going a totally different route here. JustKeepTrying, is it possible for you to make a copy of the afghan yourself to honor her memory? Or one very similar? It would serve you as a reminder of her and also remove your ex's control in this regard. After 3-4 decades the yarn gets brittle and the afghan is prone to developing holes, this would, additionally, extend the life of it.

notrightinthehead · February 05, 2022, 02:58:41 AM

The pictures of the afghan and the cruise might have been there to bait you and get a response from you.

My attempt to work on the TV/Afghan problem would be to work on myself. Go through all the feelings that come up - for me it is usually rage, helplessness, despair - and allow them to sit with me. I try to talk to myself with kindness and find out what I need. It usually is validation and love. I try to find a way to give that to myself. Sometimes I find it when I meditate, sometimes I find it when I pray. Sometimes I don't find it. Then I have to sit with the unwelcome and unpleasant feelings some more.
The important thing for me is to not add further injury to myself. Not to beat myself up for having stayed far too long, to having allowed so much abuse. These are just the last attempts of a disposed dictator to re-establish control. But I am free now. I will not allow him to control my emotions anymore. The hurt is real. The pain is real. Like a loving mother would do, I will comfort myself and nurse myself through the pain.
And while I do all this inner work, I do not contact him at all. I do the practical things, like you did with the email and the TV but no contact with him. Once I am through the emotional turmoil my response is usually brief, informative, polite.

Lauren17 · February 06, 2022, 01:17:59 PM

You are not off base here. This is a cruel, immature manipulation on the part of your ex. I am furious for you!!
I've found myself in this position several times since I moved out of the marital home. When I've expressed this frustration to others, I hear one of two answers. "They're just things." Or "Just buy a new one."
Sigh
It's not the thing.
It's the manipulation. It's the intent behind holding the thing hostage. I don't think people can get that if they haven't been there.
I've had this with a couple of items like your afghan. Irreplaceable due to emotional value. In that case, I've asked politely for said item. I've endured the smug benevolence with which is gets returned. I guess it's an example of choosing your battles.

Poison Ivy · February 06, 2022, 01:21:52 PM

It might help you to remind yourself, "This is merely one example of why it was good I left this relationship."

JustKeepTrying · February 06, 2022, 09:58:23 PM

All of you are such wise and wonderful people. I read all your posts over and over. While I know I should let it go and just resign to the loss, I instead sent an email with information on the password changes and asked for the afghan back. It's been a few days and there hasn't been a response so I think sometime this week, when I least expect there will be an email and I need to be ready for it.

But I believe going forward, I will be able to let things go and just really rise above. He is dating, going on cruises and probably love bombing someone so they can caretake him. I need to take the high road for my own sanity and peace of mind. I need that peace now more than ever.

Your right it's a good reminder of why I left and a good reminder that I need to practice more self compassion.

I am so grateful that you all see it as manipulation. It really isn't about the blanket - although my mother has passed and I have so little of hers - It's about the fact that he kept it and stated he didn't. All those little lies and attempts to hurt me - like you all said - provide him feedback - Ugh. I so want off this ride.

SonofThunder · February 07, 2022, 09:58:26 AM

JKT,

Im glad to read you will be able to let things go and continue to rise. You are so very strong! I also hope you receive the email you are expecting and that eventually, the afghan becomes a non-tool for him, and that you (or someone else) is able locate it for you.

SoT