No Contact with PD parents - still messaging me

[miffyxo]

Do you ever find yourself checking messages from your no contact parents to remind yourself how you shouldn't stay in contact?

For context I went no contact with my parents last week after they mocked and expressed no care about my engagement to my fiancé. This was the final straw in years of physical (as a child and up to being a teenager) and mental (ongoing) abuse

I blocked and muted them on all forms of communication but my mum is still emailing, which I have automatically sent to the recycle bin. Today though I found myself looking through the messages. There were some about the garden and what they'd been up to, some with pictures mocking how I reacted to her screaming down the phone at me on the final phone call - basically told her to never speak to me again. She posted a picture of a shocked and annoyed/disappointed old lady (her reaction to me on the phone) and an angry old lady and said the angry old lady represents her own mother in law (who she never got on with and always brings back to every argument even though nothing is related to her my grandmother just cut her out of the will because she didn't like her narc tendencies)

Then I got into a spiral and checked their joint Facebook. My dad (or my mum, they share the same account) shared a picture of a golden retriever whose paws had been burnt in the sun with the caption "don't take your dogs out in this weather." Along with tons of rescue animal posts. It literally made me fill with rage, as in our final phone call my mum (my dad heard this and said nothing) yelled at me that she hates my golden retriever.

Which leads me to 2 questions

If I don't contact her will she try to come to my house or attempt any violence

How can I stop checking her messages to me and posts when I start to feel bad that we've lost contact and confused in case it's my fault?

How can I stop doubting myself and my own memories of the past 30 years

I really appreciate any help and advise you may have 🙏

[Call Me Cordelia]

Oof. That's rough I'm so sorry. You're right, no good can come of Facebook stalking and pouring over the blocked folder.

I can't know what your mother will do, but the point of NC is to detach yourself from that question as far as humanly possible. Most people don't get the stalker experience, thankfully, but if you do, you call the police, you seek legal advice, and you stay away. If you have reason to believe your mother may turn violent, seek that legal advice NOW. Certainly protect yourself! Many lawyers offer free consultations.

Early on we took a trip over Christmas when we were anticipating a possible ambush. We went the legal route when the harassment wasn't stopping after six months. We sent a cease and desist by certified mail. It worked beautifully.

Once you've done what you can to ensure your safety, I suggest you take the focus off your mother entirely and put it on YOU. Journaling has been immensely helpful to me. When you get the urge to look at her, look at you instead. Write about your memories, write about your feelings, why you went NC. Get real clear on where you are and how you got here. Facts, conversations, all of it. Then the gaslighting that may filter through, through past abuse or through a flying monkey or a moment of weakness on the internet, won't have any power over your confidence in yourself.

[Rebel13]

Wishing you well.  It sounds like you have used some good strategies to keep the communications away from you (blocking, sending messages to the delete folder).  I have been dealing with disordered behaviors from my parents for most of my life.  Off and on I've looked into dialectical behavior therapy.  In the last year, I've been using it pretty seriously, and it's helped me quite a lot.  In particular the distress tolerance skill of self soothing helps manage the emotional distress.  Then I can try some of the other skills to distract myself from "pain shopping" (that's what another site calls looking at the social media of people we are trying to avoid).

I am not sure about the policy of this site so I won't post links but you can find more information by looking up the website DBT self help.  There are some groups on Facebook and I also like the podcast DBT and Me.