Living with my Mother

[BuzzyBee]

So, my family of 4 moved in with my mom because we sold our house and are building a new one. We moved here the first week of June and anticipate our new house to be ready around the end of September. Its been alot of stress on us here. I knew it would be bad with her, but over the weeks its just wearing on me. I could write a book on it but I'll try to make a long story short... Constant nagging, nit picking, hostility, unreasonable expectations, constant butting in and telling me what and how to do things. Constant negative remarks that compare me to my 5 year old son in regards to our relationship. I'm definitely not 5, but you'd think I was listening to her. Constant rude remarks about how we had to move back in "at our age" like we are some kind of moochers or burden... (when her husband's brother and wife who are much older moved here for longer while purchasing a new home but thats "ok") Inability to express myself without my mom becoming hostile, defensive or dramatically break down... It is so incredibly unhealthy for us to be here. I told my DH this from the beginning. He wants to leave too, but we have had alot of expenses getting out of our house and car issues that crept up and are trying to recoup some before we get into a higher monthly payment. My children are young and she doesn't behave this way in front of them that is obvious to them but I dont like them being here. Its just disappointing. She does not know how to love or bond with anyone. She is selfish and only cares about drinking and being a victim. Our relationship was never close so I had low expectations but we were getting along ok prior to this move.  She constantly criticizes my DH. She gives him lists of things to do and then complains he didn't do them fast enough so she "had" to do it but she doesn't tell him only me to triangulate and make us fight. All her other kids/step kids get financial help from their dad/mom as adults, we are self sufficient besides staying here for a few months but she does not nit pick them. They're all perfect. She's just hard on me for the most minor things. She idolizes my brother, whom I'm not speaking to, and vehemently defends him if I say anything about him. One day we were talking about the neighborhood kids we grew up with and I told her how I helped my brother with some escalating situations with a couple of kids trying to pick fights when we were young and she got so defensive she brought up a vacation that she wasn't even present at with my dad who is divorced from her where my brother told her that he helped me..... Its like she has to put me down or one up anything I tell her about him, she didn't even acknowledge I helped him because I guess in her mind I'm incapable of being good! He has her brainwashed! Anyway seeing that I'm in a no win situation and the constant negativity and magnifying glass on my every move is getting to me. I know I need to get out and I AM but it can't come fast enough!!!! Oh one more thing, she is hyper involved in our new home build. She even demanded that my cousin inspect it... which we did not need.... it was a huge issue and we were forced to let him inspect it which was pointless we have an inspector! She has brought her friend to it, God only knows who else!!! I wish I never showed her the house!!!!! 

[moglow]

I can no longer conceive a circumstance where I'd be willing to live with mine. There was a time years ago I needed a place to start over, I think I called to tell her what was going on [and that I was moving to my brother's]. She was insistent that I move in with her, she had plenty of room etc. Everything inside me just kept saying NO and thankfully I listened. She then alternated between demonizing or idolizing my brother or me, depending on her mood of the moment. Either I was the reason their relationship fell apart or he was the reason ours did - no self reflection that neither of us had a great relationship with her and never had. She constantly tried to drive wedges and undermine my already shaky self confidence but here we are 15+ years later, I still work with him every day and she's not included at all anymore by her own choice.

I share that to say - Do what you can to tune out the negativity so it doesn't consume you. I'm glad for you that the children aren't subject to it, but remember they'll feel the undercurrents too. Since it's very temporary, hopefully you can refocus to the things that matter and making that transition as happy and easy as possible. And ... go ahead and start getting some boundaries in place so she's not just showing up at your house whenever the mood strikes. You don't need her permission or help with your new home or raising your family.

I'd nice her to pieces! Paste on a smile no matter what she says and take a deep breath as you go on - sometimes that smiling poker face can work wonders. It may make her mad when she sees she's not getting to you but the goal is to change YOUR mindset, not hers. Just keep running that mantra, as soon as the house is habitable, you're OUT. You'll have more than enough to to without worrying over her nonsense.

[BuzzyBee]

Moglow sometimes I wish she would go NC as yours did. It would make some things easier. I may need a loooong VLC to NC break once I get to the new place and yes I try to set boundaries but she loses it she does not like any assertiveness it becomes a hostile confrontation about how "I'm so harsh to her and she can't talk to me" when I try... At least your brother is on your side. I can't even say that. If we weren't still paying on some things and trying not to put things like an apartment on our credit for the new house we would not be here. Iregret it but you are right it's not that long, just try to keep the peace for now and stay outside of it. We try to help her out but she's never happy. It weighs on us but you are right thank you for the good advice

[moglow]

Actually I have three brothers and mother's pretty much turned on all of us, openly finally. It's worse than no contact in some ways - she's just not and never has been truly interested. All our lives she played us off against each other, much as her own mother did with hers. It worked for far too long, we bought into it because after all it's "mother" so surely she hasn't any ulterior motives. Except she did - I think she realized if we were friends or even friendly, we would compare notes or join forces in some way. She told different stories to each of us, all our lives, and they were totally believable. Now that she's turned on all of us and we've made opportunities to visit and talk, it's obvious and it ain't pretty.

Ultimately, yes, it does make things easier. We've seen things we can't unsee and know that there's no reason to. I was consumed by her - her mads became mine, her rages melted me, the negativity spewed all over me time and time again, her nit picky belittling insulting bullshit wore me down.

Just keep stepping outside her stuff and continue working on your own. You don't have to be "her" to be in her house. Consider hearing her complaints and insults as the adults in Charlie Brown cartoons "wah wah wah! Wah wah?" Smile and nod, keep breathing and looking forward!

[Leonor]

Hi Buzzy,

This situation sounds just awful, but you did move into her space. If she were behaving this way in your home, you'd have every right to set expectations and evict her if she were unable to abide by them. But it is not fair, no matter how embittered and impossible she is, to bring you, your husband, and children into her home, and expect anything from her beyond what she is emotionally, mentally, and economically capable of giving. It sounds like you are both at your limit, and I hope you can find your own space soon. Perhaps looking into an Airbnb or short term rental would be a better option for your family.

[BuzzyBee]

We are leaving as soon as possible. I just heard my step-dad say "she's a grown *** woman kick her out." He is ready to throw me my husband and grandchildren out on the street. They are heartless drunks and I told my husband we should've never come here in the first place I've felt like a terrible unwanted burden... we honestly needed the financial help for a bit and could still use it until we move in our new home but I can't live like this. I'm just so upset that we came here and nothing has changed....

[notrightinthehead]

Breathe. You have been here for a while, you know the Toolbox. Forget everything you hoped a mother would be like, forget your hope for a better relationship, some help. It's about damage control now, and protecting yourself. Medium chill and grey rock. Impeccable politeness. Become the white wall of untouchable good manners. Do not share anything that matters to you, use your teflon armor.
Have you seen this link
https://www.choosingtherapy.com/phrases-to-disarm-a-narcissist/
You might consider learning these phrases by heart.
You will get through this! You have survived your childhood! Come here often and vent if you must, but do not engage from now on! From now on, work really hard on making the time you have to spend there bearable and limit the damage it does to you and your family of choice.

[NarcKiddo]

I hope you can get out soon, for everyone's sake. The situation sounds awful.

Personally, I would rather die in a ditch than live with my FOO, no matter whose house it was.

[moglow]

Personally, I would rather die in a ditch than live with my FOO, no matter whose house it was.

Insert "mommie dearest" for FOO and I'd be in the ditch with you NarcKiddo. Still incredibly thankful for small still voices inside and the courage to take the harder route at the time - declining mother's offer for me to stay with her "for a while" probably saved my life.

BuzzyBee, he's listening to your mother grouse and complain, like as not about completely baseless and frivolous stuff that have absolutely nothing to do with you. But yes, get out of there asap and take everything you need when you go, don't leave opportunity for "you need to come get your ..." later. Or finding that she's destroyed or thrown out your possessions. Go along to get along, be pleasant and polite until you can be out, but keep moving with that end in mind. 

I'd be hard pressed to offer or accept any future invitations from her - you know who she is now. Don't ignore that.

[NotCryingGlitter]

I'm just so upset that we came here and nothing has changed....

I completely understand financial situations and not wanting to hinder credit, but if you expect it to be ready this year, is it possible to take out some type of loan with the bank (if available), to pay for a short term rental? I know a loan is not what you need on your shoulders, but if you feel confident you could pay it off after moving into the new house...maybe it's an option? If it's doable to make the payments, it would be worth it to get out of that house.

Just out of curiosity, why are you moving close enough for her to visit? Ha.

[Liketheducks]

I had my mom live with us for a period of time.   With similar results and comments.   It was pure Hell.  I'll never do that again.   It's been a real trial with the whole FOO getting through this.  Get out of there asap.   

What I find interesting....there are so many cultures that tout multigenerational living.   I just can't see it ever working for my FOO again.

[Tribe16]

I had my mom live with us for a period of time.   With similar results and comments.   It was pure Hell.  I'll never do that again.   It's been a real trial with the whole FOO getting through this.  Get out of there asap.   

What I find interesting....there are so many cultures that tout multigenerational living.   I just can't see it ever working for my FOO again.

I think it only works if you accept the generational system of the eldest is to be revered and obeyed. That may work when the elder is worthy of respect and reverence. I think many before us thought "this is the system. This is the tradition. I can't buck the tradition." We didn't realize how toxic our systems were until we realized how toxic our systems were. And when that happens you can only continue in the system until it breaks you or spits you out. The "spat ones" are the lucky ones.

[mary_poppins]

Hi. What's your situation now? This post was started in August. I hope you were able to move out.
Anyway, I just wanted to add to this post. I moved back with my FOO two times already and had to endure similar things. I agree with the people here who said it's her home and so she will behave the way she wants to behave.

I accepted the fact that PD mother needs to behave that way because she has an illness. It is certainly not her fault that I chose to move in with her. I made a mistake (we all do) but it's just a temporary situation.

This subject is very famous in my video support group. We all talk about how it would be like to move back in with our PD fam-some actually still live with them or are depended financially on them. The conclusion we came to was that, in terms of high stress, we, adult children of PD parents, resort to a short-term solution (asking for PD family's help) that usually brings long-term suffering (being abused by them and in an unhealthy relationship with them). This actually made me realize that we do this because we haven't resolved our trauma bond with them.

If we trully separated from them emotionally, we wouldn't expect them to be our 'solution' to a financial, housing, emotional problem. I know I relied on their help when I needed a place to live which was wrong.

Resolving this trauma bond should be a priority. It is very difficult to do so in my opinion. Imagine undoing 20-30 or more years of brainwashing and abuse.