shouts abuse in one breath but can be sweet in another just to use you

[RainbowGirl]

Circumstances have me living at home.  As each day passes by, I am coming to realise that my mother is not a nice person.  She is ok sometimes but she's nothing more buta brut other times.  It's her moods and tantrums.  She's not a nice person.

Within the past few months I am suspecting dementia with her.   I don't see memory loss but I am observing her old behaviours amplified 150%. 

The rants and the shouts that she had to me over the past number of weeks were unreal and far too much for an intense reaction to what was. 

Yet given the opportunity she can be sweet when she wants something out me. She never learned how to use the internet or smartphones and her requests this week for internet shopping were unreal.  I am wary about telling her no so I usually say I will and I redirect her but I haven't a notion of helping.  I used to but what's the point any more.  She never appreciates me and not only that she can't shout abuse at me in the blink of an eye.   No more.

It's my aunt's birthday today and my mother asked me to text the aunt and wish her a happy birthday from both of us. 
My eyes rolled.  If her sister meant anything to her she could have sent a card in the mail or use her own phone that she knows how to make calls on and call her sister.  Stop getting me involved.  If I was so inclined I could have used her own horrible nasty angry tone back at her and tell her to go and contact her own sister herself but I never did.  I told her I will text her.  Left it at that.  I won't text her.

My mothe that's no appreciation for me. She hates me but wants to use me at the same time.

[Liketheducks]

RG,
Why not say.....I'm sorry, I'm tied up at the moment...Give her a call.  I bet she'd love to hear from you?    While utterly understandable, given the difficult circumstances, your response seems a bit passive/aggressive to me.  Will she know if you send the message or no?   I'm not clear on that.   And if she is starting down the road of dementia....you're going to have to dig deep to find the right response to avoid confrontation as she deteriorates.   

Of course she wants to use you....you're kind of in a position of providing some care/help by virtue of the living situation and drawing boundaries around that, particularly as the child of a dysfunctional family who - by their very nature - teach you nothing of boundaries, is nigh on impossible.  AND....NARC's are SO transactional by nature.   

I'd check out some of the scripts I've seen for response to diffuse NPD from, like, Dr. Ramani on Youtube or TikTok.   There are a lot of great responses you can use to help diffuse a Narc in the moment.   Not to diminish the general pain of going through this at all.  But, when I've used some of these strategies, they've worked so well....it's become a bit of a game for me.  Rather than feeling as attacked, I can accept that this is who my mom is....she's not going to change....as much as I keep forgetting that.    It certainly takes the sting out of the fact that I'm getting this abuse from a family member....AND allows me to provide myself with some feeling of autonomy and safety.  And, sometimes provides me with an opportunity to laugh at the situation a bit.  Might also be less confrontational in a difficult situation where you HAVE to live with her. 

I'm so sorry you're here.   Will reiterate....get outta there as soon as you can.   It sounds like an untenable situation.

[RainbowGirl]

I want wary about telling my mother anything on the lines of - 'no...do it yourself...' or anything like that. I wouldn't really put it like that, but i would have gone the way you wrote like - I'm busy right now....not feeling well right now....you call her....'

She's only going to argue with that and throw a tantrum. I know from the past the only way is to give in and agree but just not do it.  My mother can't tolerate anything else. 

I remember another weekend I was tied up in paperwork which was a headache to work through and my mothe had demands on me and all she did was argue with me til I had to take the paperwork to my room (with no desk).  Just pillows on my bed.

 

Her sister has pulled away and I doubt my mother will ever know that I never contacted my aunt.

Or I can contact my aunt and just keep it short with a 'HB'.

My mother developed issues with my aunt about 3 and half years ago.  Out of nowhere.  She kept her issues wrapped up and never displayed to my aunt and only to me.  I am sick of it.  She has to contact her own sister and just leave me out of it.

One of my aunt's sons died a few years ago and when it came to the anniversary my mother wrote a card to her sister and said that she will get a mass said for him.  That was a lie.  She never got any mass said for that man and she doesn't have any intention of getting a mass said for him.  She lied about her dead nephew which her sister doesn't know but I find it dispicable to lie over such a thing.

I want to be kept out whatever relationship my mother and her sisters have. 

[moglow]

One thing that's helped me get through is determination on not becoming my mother - I realized that I need to be impeccable with my word. If I tell you I'll do something I will do it. I might do it grudgingly, grit my teeth to get through and even look for exits but once I give you my word I'm bound to it. To do anything less, when I know flat out I'm not going to do and even "so there" inside myself? That's going to come across as passive aggressive and ammunition for future upsets. I'd far rather just be busy, noncommittal, evasive or not acknowledge it at all - pass it back to her. If she wants to contact her sister she's at liberty to do that. Whatever their issues, it's not your stuff no matter how much she tries to make it so. Not your circus not your monkeys, ya know.

At the end of the day, yes, it's just a text and not a big deal. But it could set [or continue?] a pattern you probably don't need. However much it grinds, she did give you house room and a softer place to land until you have other choices. You may just have to be the adult here and make it as livable as possible. Use your anger and disappointment as launching pads for better, not bitter.

[SafireJem]

moglow, you are so right about getting through by being determined not to become like the PD parent. This same thing inspires me, and when I hear myself sounding like my mother, I check myself and try a different approach. In a weird way, the determination to "do better" is very motivating, although we all wish we didn't have such a low bar to measure ourselves against...