My breakup story

[thebiglimp]

I dated this woman for 2 months. Friends for a year before that. More than anythings its how she broke up with me and her total apathy of it, along with her anger issues that makes me question who she was.

Ill just pick out key points to shorten it as much as possible. (Sorry its still long)

-we talkee for a yr. I was her confidant. (Might be what the bpd crowd calls 'favorite person')

-when she goes on dates shes overly positive then after 2 dates or so, tears the person down. (Idealize/devalue)

-even the guy she was exclusive with last winter. She judged him for 2 weeks before pulling the plug. The final straw was that his christmas gift was too cheap. (A book)

-she HATES people. The general population. Normies she calls them.

-shes an ultra conservative catholic. Hasnt had sex in 5 yrs. Saving it for marriage because otherwise 'it gives them the power'.

-before all this is highlighted i ask her to start dating me. Because of covid her plan to visit me was cancelled 3 times. So begins our long distance relationship until im to visit her in 2 months.

-after couple vidchats something switches on in her. She cant sleep because of her feelings, thinks im uber attractive. Starts talking about marriage and kids.

-says shes never fallen this hard in a long time it actually scares her. Constantly horny thinking about me. (I return the sentiment, with all sincerety)

-meanwhile she still talks to her ex. I keep bringing it up. She accuses me of being insecure.  About a month in, i bring it up right before her job interview. She EXPLODES that day. Throwing sushi at me as we're facetiming. Saying that next time i distract her from her career she will cut me off.

-this job btw, was so that she could afford a house we might start a family in.

-more intense attractions for eachother onward. Staring and blushing ect. Puppydog love.

-3 of her exs dumped her out of the blue, btw. Last one telling her to get therapy. The other 3 who she dumped she had to get restraining order for them.

And then the drama starts

-a week b4 the breakup we do a screenshare and she sees my old dating contacts, has a meltdown, next day crying on the phone how she cant trust me, ive slept with too many women. The day after she asks for time out. Comes back and says she drove around 4 hrs looking for open restaurants. Doubtful i keep asking her if she was alone and she blows up. Blocks me on everything. Ends the relationship.

-comes back several hours later, basically holding my heartbreak hostage, and screensharing my phone goes thru every inch deleting all our sexting history. One of the most humiliating moment of my life...

-reconsiles the next day, saying that she loves me but she will need time re evaluate things.

-more love bombing the following week. Lots of L word from her end. While shes suddenly incognito 4 hrs or so daily. (Says shes hiking alone, but was prob with the new dude.)

-On the last day she offers to fly me out to her country, as a testiment of her true love.

-Dumps me the next day.

-As shes dumping me shes suddenly a complete different person. Has zero respect. Rolls her eyes at my sadness. Laughs at me talking.

-Heartbroken i onward keep texting her. Her reply is that if i keep annoying her she will block me. When i ask for her compassion she changes her tune, then goes back to being rude.

-On a date with her new dude that week. ('You do you, im living my life.')

-On that weekend on a trip with the same dude. Im still texting her my heartbreak 3 times a day or so

-she says i dont know the pain shes going thru. Turns out she was talking about activity fatigue and pollen allergy!

-Comes back sunday and cries about the guy being rude. Here i finally blow up. Because shes crying about him rejecting her. Because that means she was that much invested in him and that much devested in us, my efforts, and no doubt was seeing him while leading me on with i love you's. Utterly, utterly selfish.

-i blow up so hard shes blocked me on everything and its over.

Now its been almost a month i still struggle. Because the love that she sprouted from me was real. I wonder if i had right to be angry or i shouldve tried to understand her more. She certainly couldnt understand me.

Heres some more things to consider.

-How she kept blowing up at my accusations. In the end they were justified but should i have been more deplomatic or was hers overreactions? (She did have an anger issue)

-little hard lies from her here and there. About dumping her exs. (They dumped her). About her hair color being natural (It was a dye). Or trying to guilt trip me on her camping trip. ('Im risking my life talking to you from a forest!' She was in her room charging her phone.) And ofcourse the whole smoke and mirror surrounding that new dude.

-victim mentality. Over a yr she never made a mistake or admitted fault. Even when she cut her finger it was because we were arguing.

More than anything im still shocked at how apathetic she was to me after she dumped me. From then she only had annoyance and also a slight paranoia against me that ill turn stalker, because all she saw was my obsession, not the pain that fueled it, nor that her compassion is what can quell it.

Ive been doing some armchair psychology past week trying to put a sense to what happened. And so far she has some strong cluster B traits that can be checkmarked.

But like i said the utter lack of empathy still shocks me. Like how the heck do you poke someone so casually with i love you's without realizing what they can do when u pull them out? And how do u then look at him in annoyance when he begins to scream? Not merely to some guy you briefly dated, mind you, but someone who was your best friend for a year. It seems like sociopathic trait but i dont want that to be the case.

Please let me know your thoughts.

[Starboard Song]

Now its been almost a month i still struggle. Because the love that she sprouted from me was real. I wonder if i had right to be angry or i shouldve tried to understand her more. She certainly couldnt understand me.

More than anything im still shocked at how apathetic she was to me after she dumped me.

Ive been doing some armchair psychology past week trying to put a sense to what happened. And so far she has some strong cluster B traits that can be checkmarked.

But like i said the utter lack of empathy still shocks me. Like how the heck do you poke someone so casually with i love you's without realizing what they can do when u pull them out? And how do u then look at him in annoyance when he begins to scream? Not merely to some guy you briefly dated, mind you, but someone who was your best friend for a year. It seems like sociopathic trait but i dont want that to be the case.

Please let me know your thoughts.

I think romantic relationships are so very challenging, and I wish you strength letting this one go.

Your anger doesn't seem to have ended this relationship, nor does it sound that greater understanding on your part would have changed things.

I'd encourage you to minimize the explanations, or accept ones that are a little incomplete. It is sufficient to observe that -- despite the genuine care, and excitement, and attraction -- this was not a good fit. She did not consistently treat you well, she did not consistently treat others well, and you two are plainly now on different pages.

It is always very painful to be told you are loved and then to be discarded. The lying and blaming and blowing up were bad behavior and unlikely to have improved. And it seems to me that the discard did not arise from a careful assessment and rejection of you on your own terms. That is, you needn't feel you failed any test you ever signed up for, and you needn't feel like less of a person, man, or lover.

This is a hard moment in all our lives, and a particularly hard time to be processing such hard issues. But you can emerge from it.

Be good. Be strong.

[SomeDayFree]

Well, I can tell you that I can relate to how you must be feeling.  Not only is it painful, but the most confusing, exhausting, nightmare of a relationship ever.  The ending (discard) leaves you feeling very confused... among many other things.  ( I was just discarded by what I am 99.99% sure was a malignant narcissist - The only reason I left the .01% out is because he hasn't been diagnosed by a professional).   

Until 4 days ago, even though I had been with one for over a year and a half, I had NO idea that these people existed.  I thought everyone had a conscience and feelings and empathy and beating hearts, I really did.  I had NO idea that Narcissism meant what it means, or that this person I put all my love and energy into, never "really" felt anything for me besides the high of me feeding his ego.   

It's mind-boggling. I hope you find your answers, but reading more about Narcissists has been helping me gain some understanding of what I am really dealing with.  Also, it's making me feel a lot less "crazy". 

[PeanutButter]

A warm welcome to you thebiglimp.

Ime that was probably difficult to share. Though Im glad you did.

You were tricked, used, and treated cruelly. Ime there was nothing you did or didnt do that would have changed this outcome. You definately didn't deserve this.

Ime greiving now is to be expected. Take care of yourself. You can heal! Give yourself plenty of time to process all that you have been through.