Loudly disagreeing and challenging you with toxic call-outs in public

Jsinjin · December 23, 2023, 04:53:03 PM

This type of thing happens a lot to me. My spouse who is uOCPD and on the severe side of that spectrum has a pattern of escalation and one area it includes is suspicion of me in normal activities and then loudly and embarrassingly calling me out and challenging me at high volume and in front of other people. Picture you're a spouse of an alcoholic (I am not and neither is she) and they have been in therapy for yearsand you catch them taking a drink and you raise your voice "excuse me, are you drinking ?!" Because the shock is so sudden and you don't care about the situation.

Now imaging the same thing when you have selected and put wafer crackers in the basket at the grocery store. Your spouse yells, "excuse me, why did you put crackers in the basket!!?". And you trying to stop the yelling attention say, "I just like them" and she then doubles down "are you kidding me, you've never gotten them before why would you get them now?!!!". And you try to say "I just like them" and she escalates more, now calling attention to people around you who are quite shocked, "I want to know how you decided to get these because you have never even chosen them before....". By the time your done the 2 dollar crackers go.back on the shelf and you just want to go into the car and hide.

I've tried boundaries and challenging this but she is always willing to escalate much louder and more vigorously.

It's random. I'm asking because today at Williams Sonoma I picked out a nutcracker plate fory daughter and the same thing happened. Loud and violent yelling at me right in the store out of nowhere about why I chose that which utter shock and a demand that I answer her.

I hate it because it just throws me off from the normal flow and intent.

Poison Ivy · December 23, 2023, 05:37:47 PM

You put up with a lot from this person, Jsinjin.

SonofThunder · December 23, 2023, 08:42:35 PM

Hi Jsinjin,

That sounds very difficult to be around. You wrote "Im asking..". What is the question?

If I was a person who decided I would remain living with a personality such as your wife's, I would need to probably pretend she has Tourette's syndrome, or some other mental disability which is uncontrollable and garners undesired attention in public.

I do have a question for you. If a grocery store clerk said angrily to you:

"excuse me, why did you put crackers in the basket!!?".

And

"I want to know how you decided to get these because you have never even chosen them before...."

If the clerk then escalated to "Loud and violent yelling.."

What would be your reaction/action regarding the clerk? Would you report the clerk to the manager so the manager could handle the angry clerk based on store/employment policies?

SoT

Cat of the Canals · December 24, 2023, 12:03:41 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on December 23, 2023, 04:53:03 PMI hate it because it just throws me off from the normal flow and intent.

Just to be clear, I don't know anyone that wouldn't hate this behavior. It's rude, embarrassing, and intrusive. Over crackers?!

If this were even a rare occurrence, my boundary would be that I do not shop with this person. Of course, I'm guessing she'll still give you the third degree at home if you try to bring unauthorized crackers in the house, but there's just no way I'd put myself through the absurdity of being publicly shamed over trying to buy a damn package of crackers ever again.

I have a whole list of things I will not do with my BPD MIL, because I can't trust her to behave appropriately. I didn't think about it until now, but going into a store with her is on the list. We also don't eat in restaurants with her. Actually, at this point, I don't even eat meals with her at all, because I have to take my dog out of the house so she can't feed him food from her plate.

You can't stop them from treating you a certain way. The flipside is they can't treat you that way if you're not there in the first place.

Boat Babe · January 02, 2024, 05:53:42 AM

Your wife is making your life a misery. The constant stress will ruin your health, both physical and mental. Your children deserve better

Sorry to be so blunt but your posts are so painful to read and I can't imagine how awful your life is. You have mentioned before your wife's behavior round your kids and it makes my skin craw on their behalf.

Why continue to suffer?

walking on broken glass · January 02, 2024, 08:11:53 AM

Hi Jsinjin,

I am really sorry for the difficult situation you are in. It is exhausting to live with someone who behaves as if they constantly lay in ambush, waiting to pick on you. It is emotionally draining and debilitating for your mental health to feel everything you do is wrong and will set off a nuclear reaction.

I understand that you might not be ready to take drastic measures right now but have you considered taking a small break from your partner? It does not have to be final or definitive but is there a chance to go away somewhere on your own for a while, to gain some clarity, a much needed break and a fresh perspective on things? Dealing with everyday insanity like this may lead to a breakdown, and you will definitely be in no position to think and act clearly then. It won't be good for either of you. Venting is good and helps keeping a level head in all this. But if you find yourself venting about the same things over and over, with no change in your partner's behaviour, it is time to admit that the cycle won't change unless you do something differently. She will not change, she will not provide the respite you long for. But you can do that for yourself.

Jsinjin · January 02, 2024, 08:42:10 PM

Thanks all for the advice. We had a family vacation this week with guides and all transfers and events included in some of the national parks in the USA and it was pleasant because everything was handled for us. At one point there was some unbelievable anxiety when the trip had an opportunity to touch another country "illegally" since one is supposed to have passport etc but this was the middle of wilderness and the border consists of a body of water between two landmasses

BeautifulCrazy · February 02, 2024, 12:47:32 PM

Quote from: Jsinjin on December 23, 2023, 04:53:03 PMThis type of thing happens a lot to me.
....
I hate it because it just throws me off from the normal flow and intent.

Are you in any kind of therapy Jsinjin?
It might be worth getting to the bottom of why you are willing to put up with being publicly humiliated in this way. Or why the boundaries you "tried" might not be very effective for you. Or why are you not still setting boundaries around this behavior.

Personally, like others, I would not go shopping with someone who treated me this way.
Some lighter boundaries I might have tried in the past with my own OCPD spouse would be things like leaving the store immediately when this behavior starts (whether to go about my own day/ activities and leave shopping entirely, or to go wait in the car and listen to my favorite music instead), or addressing the person like I would a child, "We don't talk that way in public, It's rude." (Full stop)
I wonder how it would go over if you stole a page from your PD's playbook and you called the police about a customer harassing you at a grocery store? (Or escalated it to a manager?)

sunshine702 · February 02, 2024, 01:14:02 PM

Yep this has happened with my Narc mom before. In public. It is random and over the dumbest things as well. Yep they do this. To assert control. So we were wandering Las Vegas and she wanted to see the Fish Tank from that Tanked show. So we went to the Mirage. Sadly it had moved back to their store over in the neighborhoods. Ok she wanted something to eat. So we walk over to NYNY the connecting casino more (more fast cafe options) and I find the pub. Easy fast tasty. We were seated and she started to throw a fit at the at the waitress. So I finish my beer and we leave. Now she will not walk anymore. It was fattening!!!! She folded up like a camel 🐪 until I found her a bench. She would not walk another step. It was awful. In Vegas you have to walk - at least back to the car you psychotic woman! And it was so embarrassing in front of everyone. It is grilled in my mind as to why I will not do any sort of social with them at all anymore!! It's a trap where this sort of thing happens

keepmoving · February 10, 2024, 12:02:06 AM

Quote from: Jsinjin on December 23, 2023, 04:53:03 PMI've tried boundaries and challenging this but she is always willing to escalate much louder and more vigorously.

It's random. I'm asking because today at Williams Sonoma I picked out a nutcracker plate fory daughter and the same thing happened. Loud and violent yelling at me right in the store out of nowhere about why I chose that which utter shock and a demand that I answer her.

OCPD or not, this is just scary and mean. And just for you choosing a gift for your daughter? It brings tears to my eyes thinking of someone being yelled at for picking a gift for their child. The random nature of it is even more frightening, you never know when it's going to happen. That would keep someone on edge all the time. I'm very sorry she did that to you, I think the nutcracker plate sounds like a sweet gift.