Am I Just The Crazy One?

[makingachange]

Hi Everyone!  I am new here...but, so incredibly happy to have found this outlet.

I guess I'm basically looking for help in figuring out what is happening in my situation.  I want to share with you all a little about my situation with my parents in hope that someone can point out if this is simply me, or if I am just sensitive.

For about 9 years now, my relationship with my parents has been very strained and not the same.  My childhood honestly only has a few sprinkles of happiness, and the most is memories that were filled with stress and anxiety.  Now, I am not in any way saying that my whole childhood was terrible, but there were lots of things that now that I am an adult that I scratch my head and wonder what the heck was happening...or have I just lost my mind.

Growing up, my mom worked a lot ...and my dad worked nights...So, it was primarily just me and my mom.  I would hear things like, "I have to work all day, and then have to come home and do another job trying to teach you." - I struggled with math.  These comments made me feel like I was stupid and that I just was another thing that she had to deal with. 

I heard things like I was the meanest kid she's ever seen in her life...always making me feel like I was not good.

I was locked outside her bedroom door crying on many occasions left alone...because she said I was bad, begging for her to open the door.

Lots of times I would be punished and really had no clue what I had done wrong...when I asked her and my dad what I did...there was no explanation explained to me...I've heard things as a young child like, "One day you are going to regret what you've done" and marched in front of the 10 commandments and made to read about honoring your mother and father.

I notice as I have gotten older that she will lie to other people straight to their face...and then behind closed doors will talk about how horrible they are.  She has absolutely no understanding for anyone and is quite judgmental. 

She will tell me one thing...trying to make herself seem compassionate...but then later on say the complete opposite...so, it feels like when she is around certain people she will just say whatever she thinks she needs to say to get along with them...and the same to another group of people...it's like she has no opinion of her own when around people...but then behind closed doors she is more open.

If you were to ask anyone else about her, they would tell you how great she is, but, I feel like this is all just a lie...or maybe I'm crazy and seeing things that really aren't there.

Around 9 years ago, my aunt (her sister) flipped out on me without me even doing anything...she texted me horrible messages that lasted for days, showed up to my house, leaving notes, and going crazy.  The text messages were incredibly mean....when I went to tell my mom about her sister, my mom acted like it was me, like what had I done...she acted like she didn't trust me or anything I said wanting to see all of the text messages for herself...completely took up for her sister, by not protecting me...and acted like nothing was wrong at all.  She never even thought or said yea, that is bad... After this, my trust and my heart was broken.

My same aunt, has told me to not have kids when I was just a teenager, and has said other horrible things while around my mom, but my mom acts like she doesn't hear it...and says nothing to stop her sister.

Now a days, when talking to my mom she seems like she doesn't hear me...and when I talk she just changes the subject abruptly and acts like what I am saying isn't even being said....she will play on her phone or watch TV...when I ask her if she is listening she just says yea...or something short...making me feel like I am not being heard at all.

My children call me Mama, but she constantly calls me Mommy, even when I have corrected her 1 million times...she acts like she just forgot again...

I caught her in a lie a few months ago...called her out on it...and she acted like it was no big deal...

She never calls me on the phone, I am always the one responsible for having to do that....so, I quit.

Her dog passed away, so, I did call her....I wanted to say I was sorry that had happened.  My dog actually ended up passing away a few weeks later...she did not call me...she instead sent a few text messages...saying "Oh no, what happened?  I hate to hear that.  I still think I hear our dog barking."  She sent a blank card a week later.

After this, and so much more, I decided to stop calling, and be very minimal...I started to gray rock.  It was within 2-3 days she noticed and she basically called me out on it, saying we never hear from you much anymore.  Then wanted me and the kids to call her the next day.  I continued to gray rock, but it seems like she texts me everyday just to tell me what is going on with her...I do have a newborn infant and she has not asked about him nor my other children other than what are they doing....

I can't help but feeling like I am the crazy one at times...this is just a few things that I feel that has happened with me...and has made me question everything.  I feel heartbroken, maybe because I realize I'll never ever get that love and support I wanted.  I guess I also feel guilty for gray rocking, but, I am not sure what to do anymore.  I feel bad when I call her and talk for hours and regret it...everything feels fine for a while, but then it all falls right back to where it has been.  My trust seems to have been broken many many times, and I just feel like I can't keep putting my heart into it just to get it hurt.

My dad I feel enables her...there is always an excuse.  She has several health issues that I have tried to be supportive of and give my advice...but she dismisses it and keeps wanting to be a victim.  It is like she enjoys the attention she gets by having a health problem...as though it makes her special in some weird way. 

My dad keeps his distance...never calls or reaches out...and I don't make that effort either towards him because honestly they make me feel uncomfortable...they are extremely negative...they think that one thing will make them happy, but then that thing comes and it's just the same complaining.  It feels like there is always something wrong.  I tried to help them be more positive...helped them to try to see that there is always a half glass full...but they can't seem to see this. 


I'd honestly love to hear any advice, thoughts, etc.  =)


Thank you so much for reading!  I hope you have a blessed day!

[Hepatica]

hi makingchange,

I always think that when someone asks "am I the crazy one" they cannot be the crazy one because they have the self-reflection capability and humility to sit down and take a hard look at themselves, which I think is a very grounded thing to do. You are definitely not detached from reality. So, no, you're not crazy. It seems you are feeling off because you are beginning to notice patterns that don't make sense from the past, that are continuing into the present. It's like a waking up process that all of us here have experienced.

I think it's a natural reaction to back away when things don't seem normal and to try to assess them. The thing is, from what you've described it sounds like your parents were not there for you emotionally. They merely wanted you to behave in ways that would not upset them. And you were just a child growing up, learning the ropes of being human, and the truth is, no child is perfect. Children have huge needs and do not yet know how to balance their feelings. Our parents are meant to help us self-soothe and learn to have a good self-image. But your mom did not do that for you. And that is a loss for you, and I'm sorry that happened.

Some of the examples you give of your mom's behavior do sound like she has a very fragile sense of self and there could be more going on there... but remember that it is not your job to fix. That is her job.

Her behavior does seem selfish to me and that is the hardest thing to accept as children of these sorts of parents. We will never get the love and attention we needed from them in our formative years and they do not change for the better if they have a true personality disorder. The examples you share of your mom's need for attention from her health problems do seem odd, and do show up in narcissism, esp. the histrionic types who need constant attention and use illness to leverage it and power over others.

I know it's a lot to digest but you can heal from this. There are great therapists online and when Covid lifts in person who can help you heal that mother wound.

But good for you for realizing it and beginning to grey rock. That's half the battle and already shows you have compassion for yourself, which I truly believe is the number one act required to heal.

[Amedee]

Just checking in to give you a virtual hug (((makingachange))).

I feel like the crazy one too, at times.  And I don't have any great advice, except to keep seeking clarity, detachment and emotional health.  For me, the extra painful twist with coming from a narcissistic family is the double whammy of having to be made "wrong", while the parents are more or less always "right".  No matter how many years have passed.  By their deficiencies they create emotional problems in you, then judge you harshly for not meeting their expectations.  I see it being repeated in the next generation of my family, and it's clear how intractable a pattern this can be.  Kudos to you for seeking clarity, and looking for a better way.  Counseling can be very beneficial.  If that's too expensive, ACOA meetings are very helpful too ... the right group can work wonders in dialing down the confusion and breaking self-defeating patterns.

[Deta]

I am new here too and I thought of asking the same question. I am often willing to admit my part in things but the NP people never do so I worry that maybe I am the problem. Hepatica's insight was what I usually arrive at when I realize that having the willingness to be humble and teachable and working on my self as much as I do I am probably not the crazy one. Learning about childhood trauma has been helpful for me and I have been busy reading the Tools and boy is that helpful. Thanks for asking the question.

[daughter]

I think that it's their gaslighting that causes our "am I crazy?" emotion-response, to our enmeshed parents' crazy-making actions and statements.   But note, your reaction also indicates that you're aware that your parents' enmeshment and odd responses aren't appropriate, so triggering your uncertainty.

[Seven]

Here's a short but sweet one...

It's not you.  It's her/them.

Your mother sounds just like mine.  Two-faced. Judgy. Hypocritical. Does what her friends say to "go along to get along"; otherwise can't  think for herself.

It's sad really.

But no, it's not you.

[Hazy111]

"In reasonably well adjusted good enough families the emotional health of children is the responsibility of the parent. In families with PD parents the emotional  health of the parents is the responsibility of the children. With the latter the parents  have never grown up emotionally and never will. Its called arrested development "

Its much more common than you think. 

Se  book review section

[makingachange]

hi makingchange,

I always think that when someone asks "am I the crazy one" they cannot be the crazy one because they have the self-reflection capability and humility to sit down and take a hard look at themselves, which I think is a very grounded thing to do. You are definitely not detached from reality. So, no, you're not crazy. It seems you are feeling off because you are beginning to notice patterns that don't make sense from the past, that are continuing into the present. It's like a waking up process that all of us here have experienced.

I think it's a natural reaction to back away when things don't seem normal and to try to assess them. The thing is, from what you've described it sounds like your parents were not there for you emotionally. They merely wanted you to behave in ways that would not upset them. And you were just a child growing up, learning the ropes of being human, and the truth is, no child is perfect. Children have huge needs and do not yet know how to balance their feelings. Our parents are meant to help us self-soothe and learn to have a good self-image. But your mom did not do that for you. And that is a loss for you, and I'm sorry that happened.

Some of the examples you give of your mom's behavior do sound like she has a very fragile sense of self and there could be more going on there... but remember that it is not your job to fix. That is her job.

Her behavior does seem selfish to me and that is the hardest thing to accept as children of these sorts of parents. We will never get the love and attention we needed from them in our formative years and they do not change for the better if they have a true personality disorder. The examples you share of your mom's need for attention from her health problems do seem odd, and do show up in narcissism, esp. the histrionic types who need constant attention and use illness to leverage it and power over others.

I know it's a lot to digest but you can heal from this. There are great therapists online and when Covid lifts in person who can help you heal that mother wound.

But good for you for realizing it and beginning to grey rock. That's half the battle and already shows you have compassion for yourself, which I truly believe is the number one act required to heal.

Thank you so very much for the insight, it really means a lot to me!  I agree with you, it is like an awakening process indeed!  I have always been made out to be the black sheep of my entire family, and have always been made to feel like it was me.  I feel that I am starting to see that there are bigger issues here...and it seems to be shown to be more and more...I guess I'm shocked I didn't realize this sooner!  But happy that I am starting to see more clearly each and every day! 

I really hope that you have a wonderful rest of your day!  =)

[makingachange]

Just checking in to give you a virtual hug (((makingachange))).

I feel like the crazy one too, at times.  And I don't have any great advice, except to keep seeking clarity, detachment and emotional health.  For me, the extra painful twist with coming from a narcissistic family is the double whammy of having to be made "wrong", while the parents are more or less always "right".  No matter how many years have passed.  By their deficiencies they create emotional problems in you, then judge you harshly for not meeting their expectations.  I see it being repeated in the next generation of my family, and it's clear how intractable a pattern this can be.  Kudos to you for seeking clarity, and looking for a better way.  Counseling can be very beneficial.  If that's too expensive, ACOA meetings are very helpful too ... the right group can work wonders in dialing down the confusion and breaking self-defeating patterns.

I completely agree with you.  Dealing with them is challenging, draining, and an emotional roller coaster!  It is difficult to have anything with them when they have that constant need to always be right and better than you. 

Thank you so much for your insight, I really do appreciate it!  <3 

[makingachange]

I am new here too and I thought of asking the same question. I am often willing to admit my part in things but the NP people never do so I worry that maybe I am the problem. Hepatica's insight was what I usually arrive at when I realize that having the willingness to be humble and teachable and working on my self as much as I do I am probably not the crazy one. Learning about childhood trauma has been helpful for me and I have been busy reading the Tools and boy is that helpful. Thanks for asking the question.

You are welcome!!  We must be on the same page...=) 

Yes, working on ourselves and focusing on our own path is important I feel.  I am constantly wanting to improve and be the better version of myself.   Oh wow!  I'll have to check out that book sometime!  Thank you for sharing.  <3 I am wishing you the very best!  <3 

[makingachange]

I think that it's their gaslighting that causes our "am I crazy?" emotion-response, to our enmeshed parents' crazy-making actions and statements.   But note, your reaction also indicates that you're aware that your parents' enmeshment and odd responses aren't appropriate, so triggering your uncertainty.

Yes, the gaslighting is a challenge...and you are right, that makes so much sense!  Thank you for sharing your insight with me.  I greatly appreciate it.  <3

[makingachange]

Here's a short but sweet one...

It's not you.  It's her/them.

Your mother sounds just like mine.  Two-faced. Judgy. Hypocritical. Does what her friends say to "go along to get along"; otherwise can't  think for herself.

It's sad really.

But no, it's not you.

Thank you so much for your insight on this!  I greatly appreciate it! 

Yes, they sound exactly the same!  You are also right, it is very sad.  I feel that I knew there have been challenges for so long in my situation, but I always thought it was me.  I have been made out as the black sheep of the family most of my life.  So, even though I knew there were issues I guess I was in denial and because it was sad and painful I kept it all trapped inside, always believing it was me.  Over the last month I have realized that there is something really wrong here...and have started to make changes to help myself heal from my childhood/and adult trauma with them.

If you don't mind me asking and you feel comfortable replying, I'm curious how you deal with your mother?  Do you try to get along, gray rock, or no contact? 

I hope you are having a good day!  <3

[makingachange]

"In reasonably well adjusted good enough families the emotional health of children is the responsibility of the parent. In families with PD parents the emotional  health of the parents is the responsibility of the children. With the latter the parents  have never grown up emotionally and never will. Its called arrested development "

Its much more common than you think. 

Se  book review section

Thank you so much!  I will check into the book section!  <3

[Seven]

[quote
Thank you so much for your insight on this!  I greatly appreciate it! 

Yes, they sound exactly the same!  You are also right, it is very sad.  I feel that I knew there have been challenges for so long in my situation, but I always thought it was me.  I have been made out as the black sheep of the family most of my life.  So, even though I knew there were issues I guess I was in denial and because it was sad and painful I kept it all trapped inside, always believing it was me.  Over the last month I have realized that there is something really wrong here...and have started to make changes to help myself heal from my childhood/and adult trauma with them.

If you don't mind me asking and you feel comfortable replying, I'm curious how you deal with your mother?  Do you try to get along, gray rock, or no contact? 

I hope you are having a good day!  <3

[/quote]

I actually came to this website because of my in-laws and then eventually came to realize my mother  is not normal either.

How I deal with her?  I don't anymore.  I have this forum to thank for that.  And DH. My story is long and convoluted and so many people involved.  I have 6 older siblings, hence my user name.  Basically the last 4 years she's been the responsibility of Bro5, due to his own doing and detriment. You'd really have to go back into my posts to get the entire gist.  While she was local to me, I would only see her with other people around.  I refused to be alone with her. I needed a meat shield.   It went from once every other week out of guilt, to once a month, to maybe once every 2-3 months when I felt emotionally healthy enough to deal with her, again always with another person, and I'd still leave feeling like I got hit with a brick.

She is 90 and has dementia (absolutely healthy otherwise other than her smoking) and will need to be put in memory care/nursing home. I had a massive meltdown just this past Wednesday (see my posts in Elderly Parents) and she's not even in my state and hasn't been since October.  Just when I feel like I have it together, I get an abrupt wake up call to remind me I'm not made of steel.

I'm thankful for my current DH who has helped me become unenmeshed (Any of us that were local to her played rescuer for her after my dad passed), reminded me that I have six siblings that can step up, and that I'm not required to be at her beck and call.

When I came to realize I won't get any sort of validation from her, that's when the switch flipped (actually it flipped a couple times, but it eventually stuck), I stopped giving a shit about what anyone thinks about me, and began to figure out who I AM and not who everyone else says I am. A lot of my emotional growth is due to this forum.  Since I've been on here I've lost 150lbs and am finally the person I am meant to be without her acknowledgement, though she is sometimes still in my head. Example...took a virtual indoor rowing seminar this past weekend.  I am a fairly accomplished indoor rower.  I place in top 5-10 in the USA for my age group in certain events. I'm not the best, but I clock pretty good times for my age. The master coaches were critiquing form from a video submission we had to send in.  So as they are critiquing mine, of course all I hear in my head is mother saying  "well you can do better". Like bring home an A- on a report card but it's not an A+.  I'm not good enough. Went to bed crying that night too. I had to remind myself the coaches were critiquing and not criticizing.

At this point I just feel sorry for her.  There's no love. She never gave me any and therefore there is none for me to reciprocate. And she's afraid of dying.  I guess that's how a person feels when they don't like the life they've lived.

I'm sure I "word vomited" all over this page though and I'm sorry about that   You'll find the validation you're looking for all over this forum.

[makingachange]

[quote
Thank you so much for your insight on this!  I greatly appreciate it! 

Yes, they sound exactly the same!  You are also right, it is very sad.  I feel that I knew there have been challenges for so long in my situation, but I always thought it was me.  I have been made out as the black sheep of the family most of my life.  So, even though I knew there were issues I guess I was in denial and because it was sad and painful I kept it all trapped inside, always believing it was me.  Over the last month I have realized that there is something really wrong here...and have started to make changes to help myself heal from my childhood/and adult trauma with them.

If you don't mind me asking and you feel comfortable replying, I'm curious how you deal with your mother?  Do you try to get along, gray rock, or no contact? 

I hope you are having a good day!  <3

I actually came to this website because of my in-laws and then eventually came to realize my mother  is not normal either.

How I deal with her?  I don't anymore.  I have this forum to thank for that.  And DH. My story is long and convoluted and so many people involved.  I have 6 older siblings, hence my user name.  Basically the last 4 years she's been the responsibility of Bro5, due to his own doing and detriment. You'd really have to go back into my posts to get the entire gist.  While she was local to me, I would only see her with other people around.  I refused to be alone with her. I needed a meat shield.   It went from once every other week out of guilt, to once a month, to maybe once every 2-3 months when I felt emotionally healthy enough to deal with her, again always with another person, and I'd still leave feeling like I got hit with a brick.

She is 90 and has dementia (absolutely healthy otherwise other than her smoking) and will need to be put in memory care/nursing home. I had a massive meltdown just this past Wednesday (see my posts in Elderly Parents) and she's not even in my state and hasn't been since October.  Just when I feel like I have it together, I get an abrupt wake up call to remind me I'm not made of steel.

I'm thankful for my current DH who has helped me become unenmeshed (Any of us that were local to her played rescuer for her after my dad passed), reminded me that I have six siblings that can step up, and that I'm not required to be at her beck and call.

When I came to realize I won't get any sort of validation from her, that's when the switch flipped (actually it flipped a couple times, but it eventually stuck), I stopped giving a shit about what anyone thinks about me, and began to figure out who I AM and not who everyone else says I am. A lot of my emotional growth is due to this forum.  Since I've been on here I've lost 150lbs and am finally the person I am meant to be without her acknowledgement, though she is sometimes still in my head. Example...took a virtual indoor rowing seminar this past weekend.  I am a fairly accomplished indoor rower.  I place in top 5-10 in the USA for my age group in certain events. I'm not the best, but I clock pretty good times for my age. The master coaches were critiquing form from a video submission we had to send in.  So as they are critiquing mine, of course all I hear in my head is mother saying  "well you can do better". Like bring home an A- on a report card but it's not an A+.  I'm not good enough. Went to bed crying that night too. I had to remind myself the coaches were critiquing and not criticizing.

At this point I just feel sorry for her.  There's no love. She never gave me any and therefore there is none for me to reciprocate. And she's afraid of dying.  I guess that's how a person feels when they don't like the life they've lived.

I'm sure I "word vomited" all over this page though and I'm sorry about that   You'll find the validation you're looking for all over this forum.
[/quote]


Thank you so much for sharing.  I can completely understand when you say the switch flipped a couple of times...I've had my switch flipped previously...but it did not stick, and for some reason I was in complete denial about my mother and buried it down deep once again.  It has been only in the last 5-6 months that I feel like I am every day beginning to see more clearly what is happening.

Yes, my parents are also getting older...and I guess it makes me feel a bit guilty that we couldn't get our shit together on this...and for so long I thought it was just me ...I was completely confused.  I guess it is me feeling sad that I couldn't have what other people had, a healthy, supportive, loving relationship.  What we have feels so incredibly fake.

I also feel like this relationship we have is taking away my own happiness...I have my own life with my own family, but keep being pulled back to evaluate and reevaluate what is happening and what did happen.  I have a hard time sleeping and I feel like I'm not even enjoying my present moment at times.  I have a hard time with this because I feel at times unsure if there is something wrong with them or just me....and I know when I look back on the lists of things she does and the childhood I experienced and the things she continues to do that there is something NOT right.

I have a hard time letting go of this because I do feel the inner child in me still hopes that one day that she will just say she is sorry and give me that support, but as you know this will never happen.

I have just went to very low contact and the contact I have is only through text right now...I gray rock and keep all emotions to myself...however, I feel that things have just gotten even more stressful with going gray rock.  I'm hoping that I can let this inner child hope go...and be able to find peace.  <3