Don't get to see my grands

[sadgrandma]

My adult son has an UDPD. ( Hope I used that right). He seems to set himself up in situations that cause other's to back away. I'm sure this isn't news to anyone who visits this site. The  current situation is that he blames me for almost everything, mostly, I think, because he believes I have the power to fix or change things and I might be the only relative who still communicates with him. This isn't my first rodeo. I know I'm not to blame, but the end result is that he won't allow me any contact with his children. He is looking for me to "be accountable " for all the wrongs he thinks I've done to him. Although I'm crushed by this, I believe it doesn't help him to give in and say whatever he wants to hear. I hate to cut myself off from him, because it does mean I won't get to see my young grandchildren. Whenever we do have contact, he brings up the same old problems that aren't really resolvable and sometimes becomes so angered, he tends to rage verbally at me. I am trying to get him to move forward and maintain some relationship with him. But I'm not feeling very optimistic. I have difficulty finding the right words to say to him that won't result in his increased anger. I would certainly appreciate any suggestions.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Welcome. It sounds like a painful situation for you...  You give very few actual facts so it's hard to give suggestions. Honestly, given only what you wrote it's entirely possible that accountability, self-reflection, and changed behavior on your part is appropriate. I guess it depends entirely on what it is your son wants and needs to hear from you, what are those "same old problems" he feels need resolution before he feels safe/okay to allow contact with his children. I will say trying to get someone else to change, "to move forward," is usually futile unless they decide they wish it for themselves, that there is a benefit to doing so. Have you been to therapy for yourself, with a therapist who understands personality disorders?

That might not be what you hoped to hear, but welcome just the same. There are a LOT of more knowledgeable people on here, and the website is a treasure box as much as a toolbox.

[Starboard Song]

The  current situation is that he blames me for almost everything...
He is looking for me to "be accountable " for all the wrongs he thinks I've done to him...
I believe it doesn't help him to give in and say whatever he wants to hear...
Whenever we do have contact, he brings up the same old problems that aren't really resolvable...
I am trying to get him to move forward and maintain some relationship with him.

Oh goodness. I am so sorry you are going through this. Loss of contact with grandchildren must be truly terrible and bewildering.

It sounds like your son's complaints are in regard -- mainly -- to events in the past: truly, we cannot undo past events, even if they are our responsibility. So if your son seeks repair of the past he is asking for the impossible. But it also sounds like he is demanding something far more feasible, if just as wrong-headed. It sounds like, almost every time you get together, he asks you to confront some past actions or events and concede responsibility for them.

My wife and I were blamed for a complex series of actions and events, and condemned as evil, by my in-laws. They had some core facts right, but dressed those up in an outrageous gown of falsehoods. And on that basis my MIL rejected us utterly and with extended verbal abuse and condemnation. I agree with you that it is poor judgement to tell someone whatever they want to hear: I fear it only engenders more such demands. So I entirely get it, and agree that you needn't -- you ought not -- abase yourself falsely.

But your son seems to be persistent, and seems to be focused on some specific actions or events, and he seems to be making a coherent demand: not merely raging. That's a good sign. And you are kind and gentle enough to be here seeking solutions, without calling names or speaking disrespectfully of him. So I think there is potential for success here, and for healing. In different ways, I suspect it will not be easy for either of you.

Disagreements are the required ingredient in disagreements, and are not inherently evil. People differ in their value judgements, or their weighing of odds, all the time. Rarely are such differences a mark of evil. You may actually agree with many of your son's fact assertions, but believe you acted correctly under the circumstances. You may agree with your son regarding the outcomes of events, but see -- while he doesn't -- that they didn't actually flow from your behavior. Far more importantly, you may feel loving and kind sympathy for the real suffering of your son, you may desire comfort for him, and wish it could be better. The sticking point is that he wants it to be your fault. Or he needs assurance, in the form of blame-taking, that this won't recur. And that gets us back to your point: if you are not to blame, you ought not abase yourself falsely.

All that sounds ripe for a joint counseling session. Couselors can help two people see that the other is not evil or morally culpable, and to distinguish between true and false fact assertions. It would give your son a chance to air his complaint with an unbiased observer. He can see your willingness to listen. You can express compassion for him. You can genuinely give him the real consolation of your sympathy. And maybe, through all the hurt, he can see in you what you see in yourself, and regain confidence in you without the sham of a false confession.

Good luck to you. I've been on this path of broken family, and of grandparents separated from grandchildren. I don't like it here, but it was what we had to do in our instance. I hope you can achieve better.