How to support my teenage daughter?

Nohigherjoy · September 16, 2019, 03:30:39 PM

I have been divorced 3 years from alcoholic bpd ex. It's been constant staying on top of him to make sure he abides by divorce decree to NOT drink around the kids on visits due to 3 DUIs. Per decree, I can withhold visits if he drinks around them. He continues to violate these rules and my 14 and 16 yo sons defend their dad since he's brainwashed them that he's "safe." Now he's back to not drinking around them since I had to once again threaten to withhold visits. On the visit this past weekend, my 13yo daughter texted me to come get her. She was extremely upset and crying. She confronted her dad about his drinking and his poor choice of friends who drink. She told him he made bad choice of friends and he returned with a comment that she made poor friend choices too. WTH? He doesn't even know her friends. Anyway, as usual, my children are more adult-like than ex. She has decided she doesn't want to visit ex anymore bc she feels uncomfortable with his choices and he has a fridge full of beer that makes her feel sad knowing his history. She's fearful of losing him in some way. I've just been supporting her the best I can without saying too much about her dad. It's so hard for me to speak truth without bashing him... because the truth is nasty. I've told my daughter to think about talking to her dad about the root of the whole conversation... that she's scared something will happen to him. Right now it's at a stalemate... the "mature" ex is saying no one is going to tell him who he can be friends with. And my daughter is saying she's not going to see him except for her birthday weekend. The chaos is the other kids get in on it with their dad and minimize the whole situation and make fun of my daughter behind her back. I've dealt with the other kids as best as I can telling them they all need to have a voice and whether they agree with her confronting him about his friends or not, they need to respect that she's being brave and confronting a difficult situation. I'm just continually frustrated that drinking, DUIs and jail has become normalized for my kids. I don't know what I'm asking really... but how do I wade through this mess with my kids and keep us all from fighting with each other?

notrightinthehead · September 17, 2019, 02:10:47 AM

What a difficult situation Nohigherjoy! I agree with you that you should support your DD in her feelings and give her a place to open up and be taken seriously. Your H cannot do this, but you are there for her. To me it seems like your DD has a healthy response to the behaviour of your XH. Is there any way you can accommodate her need to distance herself from him for a while?
As you say, the tragedy is that your xH behaviour has become normal for your kids, and I don't think you would be bashing him if you made it very clear that this kind of behaviour is not normal and at times not acceptable.
Have you considered Alanon and Alateen meetings? Maybe some real life support for your daughter could assist her for a while.

athene1399 · September 17, 2019, 05:55:31 AM

I agree with Notright. I think the best thing you can do is to validate how your DD is feeling. Listen to her and hear her out. especially since it seems like dad won't do this. Maybe bring up some minor things like, if you suspect dad was drinking, do not get in a car with him. I really can't think of more to suggest.

I am sorry your other kids see this as normal. I was in college when it finally clicked that my dad had a drinking problem. Maybe try talking about what "responsible drinking" means, discuss getting a ride if you've had too much to drink, never driving if you're under the influence and not getting in the car with someone else who has been drinking. Model good behavior yourself. You can't really point a finger at dad and say "look, he has a problem" but you can talk about drinking problems and safety in general without making it about him.

Nohigherjoy · September 17, 2019, 01:40:26 PM

Oh these are fabulous ideas!!! Thank you both so much! I wonder is she's too young to attend Alanon with me? Or if I could sit in the Alateen with her? I just know she'll be hesitant to attend without me.

Penny Lane · September 17, 2019, 01:54:26 PM

Nohigherjoy, does she still have to go to her dad's during this standoff, even though she doesn't want to? Or is he going along with her wishes?

Nohigherjoy · September 17, 2019, 02:07:21 PM

He's allowing her to decide- thank goodness.

Nohigherjoy · September 17, 2019, 02:33:20 PM

I talked to Alanon and they'll allow my daughter to attend with me, so we're going to a meeting tomorrow. 😊

Penny Lane · September 17, 2019, 03:06:55 PM

It sounds like you're in a really tough situation both with your daughter and between all the kids. I love the Alanon suggestion, so glad that's working out!

In terms of the dynamic between the siblings, I think you're going to have to walk a fine line of 1. allowing them to express disagreement, even over something as serious as their dad's instability 2. not letting the boys be disrespectful to their sister (whether or not she's there).

I'm sure the boys go over to their dad's house and they feel like they all have a grand old time making fun of your daughter, like that's how they all bond. It's gross and he should be discouraging that sort of behavior, not instigating. But your kids almost have to do it, because otherwise he might turn his anger on them. PDs are great at dividing people like that.

So I think at your house you need to be the exact opposite. There is room in your house for your sons to love and enjoy their dad. There is room for your daughter to not want to see him for legitimate reasons. So the message from you to your sons is not so much "your sister is right to do this" but "this was your sister's choice to make and I expect you to respect her decision even if you don't agree with it." You know?

And then hopefully when you think about it like that it becomes less fraught, like how would you handle any other dispute between them that's getting kind of rowdy?

This is all in addition to supporting your daughter, of course. She can get the message from you that she's doing the right thing - she doesn't need her siblings to agree with her, just not not be actively mean about it.

Also, kudos to your daughter for standing up for herself to her dad, and at such a young age! You must be doing something right over there to have raised such a confident and level-headed teen.

Nohigherjoy · September 17, 2019, 05:26:47 PM

Penny Lane you are always an encouragement! I feel like I'm making a million mistakes. It is solely grace that she has made such a brave decision. I'm so thankful to see her growing up to be a much stronger young adult than I was! You are right about the boys having to go along with exH... I hadn't thought of that, but it's spot on. The boys have been the target of his emotional, verbal, and physical abuse at times and they know how they have to walk on eggshells. I just pray they see the truth as they get older and that alcoholism and womanizing isn't normalized for them. Their dad only sees them every 2 weeks and never sees them in between. He doesn't reach out to ask about school events or anything else, which hurts my heart. We have a very peaceful home and a lot of deep discussions as well as fun. The boys have amazing male role models and church and school... along with my husband- he is a quiet and gentle man. It's been interesting to see them taking up for him at times bc they see what a good man he is. I have lots of hope, but I also worry a ton, as all moms do. 😊

hhaw · September 17, 2019, 05:54:12 PM

I always feel like I help my kids most when I ask them what they really think about whatever is upsetting them.

I mean... your dd's father is ill. Quite ill with 3 DUIs in fact.

I hope DD can find some way to make peace with the fear of losing her father, the fear he won't be OK based on his poor choices, and that she won't have him there for her, and her brothers. That's some big fear there, particularly if she's being mocked, and her fears are minimized or denied outright.

Like the others said... you'll validate her fear, and feelings, and help her figure out boundaries to keep her safe. What's hers, her father's, her brother;s and yours. How to shift into observer mode, do what she's responsible for, release the outcome for what's not, and cultivate joy in the here and now.

Maybe the alanon meetings can help her shift out of fear of what might happen, bc that's a terrible place to be, IME.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you, and your children,

Nohigherjoy · September 18, 2019, 06:17:12 AM

Thank you hhaw. I wish I could shift into observer mode. I hope that for my children. Of course, exH is super "fun"... always planning bowling or other game days etc. What I've just come to find out, he often invites his drinking buddies over during these "fun" times, so it's not time spent just with his kids. Although he's currently not drinking around the kids, his buddies are there and that is obviously inappropriate. I'm praying my daughter will be able to stand firm and stay out of denial. As a daughter of an alcoholic father myself, it's so tough. It's been normalized and minimized for me my entire life. The reality of it hits hard on my children now that they also see their grandfather in a nursing home because he's had multiple falls, strokes, etc due to alcoholism. He's pickled his brain according to his neurologist... and my dad is only 67. My mom is still in denial and has hit a horrible trauma dementia. My kids watching all of that has been traumatic to say the least.