ElderPD Mother has shown her true colors

[Recreatingmylife]

I am so grateful for this site. I am 53 and an only child. I have always known my mom had a harshness, lack of empathy and other strange issues...though others find her sweet and charming. She had an affair many years ago and divorced my dad. She remarried the man with 3 adult children. At first things were all cupcakes and sunshine. Then...over time I could see that his three children had labels of Golden, Scapegoat and Lost. I am not sure what my label was...since my own family lived far away. We moved a little closer to "them" a few years ago and things have become more deranged. My mother never wanted me to have communication with the step-siblings. She talked negatively about Lost and Scapegoat... how awful they were, etc... their own father agreed with her. There was definitely division. The Golden and her husband were the ones that helped them and visited them...practically jumping when they called! A year ago stepdad became very ill. My mother could not even seem to make an appointment for him...I don't know if it was stress or early dementia. I left my own home, family and job for several weeks to help them. Stepdad had major surgery and a long recovery. Golden and her family came to assist and help out. It was the one of the first times I had been with Golden. We had to communicate. We got along well. My mother became enraged and accused us of talking about her and stepdad! She confronted us both and said we were whispering behind their backs! I stood up to my mother and said that was not the case. She went into another rage. I said, I am here to help. I have left my own job and family to help out, but I will not allow you to speak to me like that. She quickly turned the tables on me. She stated how rude I was and that she never, ever spoke to her her mother like that!  I continued to stay and help. While stepdad was in recovery things changed. Mother and stepdad accused Golden and family for trying to "take over"...criticizing all help...nothing was right...(they own a large property). They were accused of spending money wildly...though repairs had been neglected...and not doing things "the right" way. All kinds of drama took place. Finally, Golden and family stepped back and went very low contact. Mother and stepdad could not believe they "left" them! Now more horrible things are said about Golden and family. NOW...Scapegoat son and his family are the "New Goldens." They talked about them so harshly in the past...but they are so wonderful now!

I guess I did not listen closely enough that I am to never speak to former Golden daughter! We have had to have communication since the major illness and get along. I don't have a lot of communication with her, but recently she sent me a picture of her son. on a school trip. I responded. I happened to mention her bother and family where visiting mother and stepdad. Well...it got back to them that I had communication with her! My mother called me up and totally reamed me out. She claimed I had been talking behind her back. She claimed I had made she and step-dad physically ill. She kept repeating, "You were so good. You were so good...you were not thinking...you made a mistake. You have hurt us so badly!" I apologized and accepted blame for the situation. I stopped the conversation. I was just so flabbergasted. She continued calling leaving "sweet" messages.. I did not respond. She called Saturday morning...starting off sweet...then went back into a rage. I told her she is welcome to call me, but I do not want to discuss the step-siblings. I asked her to stop talking to me in that tone. I said, "Please stop." she was further enraged and slammed down her phone. Side point: Step-dad got on the call and indicated this was not my fault and did not my blame for anything...but she kept raging. So far, I am not responding to her calls. I cannot live like this. I don't know why I lived under her spell for so long. Any insights are appreciated.

[caramelia]

Hi

I didn't want to read and run. You might want to ask an admin to move this to 'Dealing with PD Parents' as you'll get more replies there.

[Penny Lane]

Hi and welcome, Recreatingmylife!

I'm so sorry you're having to navigate these family dynamics. You've come to the right place! Lots of others here are in the same boat.

If you haven't had a chance to look at it yet, the toolbox might give you some strategies for setting boundaries with your parents. Others on the pd parents forum or the elderly family members forum might be able to give you more specific advice or commiseration.

Good for you for setting the boundary that you will not respond to your mother's call if she is going to rage at you. I think that is a very healthy, very smart choice. The process of coming Out of the FOG can be a painful one but it's also very freeing.

Looking forward to hearing more from you on the boards.

[Thru the Rain]

Yikes! This definitely falls under the heading of No Good Deed Goes Unpunished!

The first thing that popped into my head was this. All the years you've been hearing stories about your step-siblings, they've been hearing negative stories about you too.

And now there's a possibility (a certainty in your M's mind) that you're comparing stories. And it's likely she wouldn't look good if each of you knew what she said about you behind your back.

The angrier she gets, the more likely it is that 1) she's been bad-mouthing everyone and 2) some or all of it was made up or exaggerated. And the end result is that years of bad behavior on her part is potentially going to be exposed, and she's frantic to make sure that doesn't happen.

I recall the shock I felt when my sister told me my M was saying mean things about me behind my back. My M has always had bad things to say about everyone - friends, family, acquaintances. And I suspect you M have been indulging in the same behavior.