An update of N-SIL - discard phase.

[DJR]

Dear Out of the FOG forum members.

It's been a long time since I last posted. I have traveled a long way to live a happy and peaceful life with my H and child, having learnt VLC and not to get drawn into N-SIL drama. We went low contact after SIL had a rage episode at me in front of my little son, which crossed the Rubicon for me.

I write to let you know that NSIL has entered a discard phase. We witnessed the love-bomb stage towards her H (who is the GC brother of my H) the years-long devaluation stage, and now we have reached discard stage.

It is very sad to see my H's brother get discarded so brutaly. He's had to move out of his home, she says everything is his fault.  He has tried to give her so much, and she tells him it was never enough. She has raged at him, even in public!

How do you support someone through this process?

[bloomie]

Hi there DJR. Welcome back. Bravo for threading the needle of vLC and disengaging from nsil drama!

How sad to see your bil going through this. I am really sorry this is happening. I am wondering if you have been vLC with your bil as well?

If your relationship with your bil is still warm and connected I would imagine reaching out and offering simple gestures of kindness and inclusion would be of great comfort to him.

One thing I hold as a caution over myself when there has been a break up like this with someone who has been a divisive and difficult presence in my own family group is to keep my thoughts about how difficult that person is/was to myself because you never, ever know if two people will reconcile.

You can offer validation without going too far into your own private speculations I have found. I always consider that I never know how what I say will be used in an acrimonious and painful split. And like you, I want to avoid that kind of drama with everything in me.

Another thought would be to take a look at the book recommendations and other online resources to see if there is something you could share that would be a support and further educate your bil in a way that would validate and bring some insights as he goes forward.

I am thankful your bil has support in you and your DH. This is very hard stuff.

[DJR]

Thank you for your reply and valuable advice Bloomie, you provided lots of great compassionate advice when I was first posting in this forum!  You have reminded me not to delve into "we could see it coming" comments.

We haven't had much to do with BIL as a consequence of going vLC with N-SIL. He was enabling her so my H would feel very frustrated with the changes in his brother then. We hope to regain a relationship with him again now.

[bloomie]

Thank you for your reply and valuable advice Bloomie, you provided lots of great compassionate advice when I was first posting in this forum!  You have reminded me not to delve into "we could see it coming" comments.

We haven't had much to do with BIL as a consequence of going vLC with N-SIL. He was enabling her so my H would feel very frustrated with the changes in his brother then. We hope to regain a relationship with him again now.

I hope for everyone's sake the relationship can be rebuilt. Much good strength to you and your DH.

[DJR]

Another update: N SIL has revealed she's been having an affair! The affair started while her H was still living in the house. It looks like she's started a whole new life for herself: new boyfriend, new friends,  she's quit her job and just has fun all day, parties. Her H is absolutely miserable.

[DJR]

Another thought: NSIL has started a fresh love-bomb phase with her new life, while still going through a discard phase with the old life, at the same time.

[roughdiamonds1]

Gosh, I just read some of the history of your story DJR, as a few things you mentioned sounded so similar to my experience with my SIL. I relate to SO many things you've posted.

Although my story has progressed in a very different way to yours (including the end of my marriage), one thing that stands out to me is that you have a lot of compassion to give, and that's an amazing thing. Wanting to help your BIL is a generous sentiment, especially given all that's happened. But i hope you can remember that what comes first, above your BIL's needs for support, are yours and your own family's needs. It sounds like you've done such wonderful work in extracting yourself and protecting yourself from all of the drama that surrounds this person, and I hope that whatever way you offer support still allows you to stand away and separate to any of the drama. Although i imagine it would be hard to not feel strangely drawn to the event of your SIL's apparent unravelling, I wonder if staying as energetically uninvolved as possible would be wise.

Mine and my ex-H's relationship with his brother was sorely damaged because of my SIL's psychotic behaviour and our BIL's enabling behaviour. So much damage has been done, and so much hurt has been felt, and yet through it all, I am aware that he is the one who is in a relationship with her, so god knows what is going on behind closed doors. I am sure that overall he is suffering far more than I have.

I feel compassion for my BIL, but unless he does a huge amount of work on himself, he is someone I do not need close to me. Whilst not as overtly aggressive, he stood next to behaviour that ripped my marriage and our family apart and while I have already forgiven, I don't think I'll ever forget it.