My body bears the burden

[wisingup]

Sounds like another book I need to read.  I started my journey Out of the FOG due to developing a paralyzing jolt of adrenaline / fear every time the phone rang.  My ubpd mom was really ramping up on her negativity, guilt trips & endless complaints at a time when I finally had reached some real happiness and peace in the rest of my life - calls from her derailed many pleasant days. 

I tried to talk to her about being calmer when she called.  That was not well-received (understatement) &  started 6 years of on & off estrangement.  My fitbit still shows a big spike in heart rate whenever she calls.  My "rational" brain tries to talk my emotional brain into calming down, but I don't think I'll ever completely shake off that initial reaction to her.

[scleractinia]

Hm, my physical symptoms have gotten better since moving away, but I think it's mostly for another reason - I take much better care of myself now. My parents are big believers in the "Protestant work ethic", and have a very unhealthy relationship with both rest and medical treatment - you SHOULD be able to just willpower your way through anything.

Bad enough for a healthy kid, but I have a genetic disorder (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), and a few other things like asthma, so just "powering through" was a bad idea and caused lasting damage. Even 3-4 years ago, before I moved away, I found it hard to resist the guilt-tripping, so I'd end up getting heat exhaustion from mowing the lawn on a particularly hot day, or cleaning the house on a sprained ankle, and making myself worse off.

I still have symptoms, but resting when I'm hurt, taking appropriate medication (like OTC ibuprofen), and letting my partners help have helped a LOT, and I have a lot more "good" days now.

Anyone else have this experience?

[Boat Babe]

Hm, my physical symptoms have gotten better since moving away, but I think it's mostly for another reason - I take much better care of myself now. My parents are big believers in the "Protestant work ethic", and have a very unhealthy relationship with both rest and medical treatment - you SHOULD be able to just willpower your way through anything.

Bad enough for a healthy kid, but I have a genetic disorder (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome), and a few other things like asthma, so just "powering through" was a bad idea and caused lasting damage. Even 3-4 years ago, before I moved away, I found it hard to resist the guilt-tripping, so I'd end up getting heat exhaustion from mowing the lawn on a particularly hot day, or cleaning the house on a sprained ankle, and making myself worse off.

I still have symptoms, but resting when I'm hurt, taking appropriate medication (like OTC ibuprofen), and letting my partners help have helped a LOT, and I have a lot more "good" days now.

Anyone else have this experience?

So glad you are honouring yourself with good self care. And also glad you are better for it.

Just one year of extreme psychological and emotional abuse from my uNPDxbf left me with excruciating abdominal pain, which turned out to be endometriosis. It took another year after running away, hiding for a bit and going strictly NC before it resolved itself without medical intervention. Never had anything like it since. The emotional fall out took longer. I am deeply grateful that I found a good therapist who started me on the road to healing, from him and from my difficult and at times traumatic childhood.

May we all heal.

[lilith]

I'm so sorry for your experience. It looks like lots of us can relate. I got ME/CFS and total collapse in my late teens when I was being crushed under the burden of my narc "father". Partly because of their neglect I now also have neuropathic pain and have been semi-housebound ever since (I'm 31).

When I'm around my "mother" I just get so, so tired, this deadly sleepiness and brain fog. I get it even when I think about her coming home in the evening. It's like my body knows I can't escape, I can't fight, so all I can do is go to sleep. Of course at night when I should sleep, I have a deadly fear of going to sleep.

Does anyone else just get sudden bouts of unbearable sleepiness around their narc?

[workinprogress2018]

I have CFS/ME which started in early 2015 and I now see what a huge part of it is my role of caretaker to my uBPDM which has been draining me dry since childhood. Fatigue increases in anticipation of a visit for several days before, and it takes many days to recover afterwards. It's also to do with a high ACE score and being an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) who wasn't taught how to honour it and look after my own needs (because uBPDM's come first, obviously...).

It's further perpetuated by being a driven personality, who was taught that my value/loveability was not in who I am, but it is conditional on what I do for uBPDM and others. Slim chance of the body recovering with all those barriers in the way. So we have to work on them all one at a time and minimising family contact has been a huge help for my health. I am recovering and it can be done!

[sonofanarc]

Regarding specific physical symptoms, my chronic and severe migraines stopped almost instantly when I moved out of the family home and went to university in a city two hours away at age 18.

Food for thought isn't it?

I too suffered with lifelong migraines, it wasn't until i went into long term psychotherapy at the age of 40 that they finally stopped.

[sonofanarc]

Thanks to everyone that replied.  It helps validate my own experiences and the need for me to continue with my strict boundaries and Low contact with my father. He's confused as to why i need to do this, i used to explain, he doesn't get it and never will so ive stopped with that and just make excuses why i cant see him.

[Psuedonym]

Hey everybody!

It's been a long time since I've been on here but occasionally I like to check in and see how everybody is doing. (PDM died and shockingly I don't feel the need to be here constantly...purely coincidental, I'm sure Anyhow, I just discovered Gabor Mate and wanted to share on this thread: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGgwMe6y4hU

Much like The Body Keeps the Score (which I'm reading now and is great) he talks about the connection between childhood trauma and physical illness (as well as addiction). Very enlightening and also a great reminder for anybody feeling guilty about setting boundaries or going NC that you literally can sacrifice your life for people who will gladly encourage you to do it. I hope you find it helpful!

[SunnyMeadow]

Hi Psuedonym,

It's always nice to see you here. You're someone I look to for encouragement and hope while dealing with my uNPDmother. And just like you had happen, I'm hoping for the relationship to end! 

Thanks for the video, good stuff!

[Psuedonym]

SunnyMeadow, all the hugs to you! Everything does come to an end, even if sometimes it feels like things will go on forever. Everyone here was so kind and supportive of me, and I will try to be here more often.

[JustKat]

Yes, I've had severe anxiety that has resulted in all kinds of horrible and frightening physical symptoms. Mine started in my early 30s, which I've been told is the age when it often strikes women. The trigger for me was the stress of my husband announcing that his job was relocating us out of state, but when I started therapy I was told that my childhood trauma had caused me to bottle up a few decades worth of stress and that my husband's actions just popped the cork on the bottle and let all it out.

Mine started with severe anxiety and panic attacks. I also started having other symptoms, like nerve pain in my feet, breathing problems, and migraines. When my enFather called and taunted me over behind disinherited I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital. They told me I was having a severe panic attack, but warned me that if I didn't reduce my stress that "something bad will happen to you." Part of my reason for finally going NC with the whole family was because they were placing my health at risk.

Many of the symptoms have subsided since going NC, but the anxiety and panic attacks will always be with me. From what I've been told GAD is incurable and, well, thanks Mom and Dad for the gift that keeps on giving. 

[IntoTheLight]

Very interesting stuff. My body feels tension all the time. I've tried to relieve this and was succesful in the past with relative normal coping like running, social drinking, smoking weed and using seditives every now and then, but I still have tension. My body seems to suffer from 'armoring' and always seems on the lookout for danger. When this increases I don't seem to notice. I guess I'm so used to it.

I am exploring my past atm, my FOO, unBPDmother and possible Munchhausen by Proxy. Especially the last thing seems to have had a great impact. I was sick a lot as a young child and remember getting fed 'cough sirop'. I now think this had sedating effects and my unBPDmother used it to keep me home so she would not feel alone. It would make sense that my body kept the score while I tried to survive my dysfunctional family. I am not ready to cut ties with my family, but I can certainly imagen this in the future.

Gabor Maté and 'The body keeps the score' are on my reading list. Curious about this aspect of trauma.

[Hazy111]

always seems on the lookout for danger.     Thats a classic c-ptsd symptom childhood trauma known as " hypervigilance "

Hypervigilance — the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you — is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hypervigilance

[IntoTheLight]

always seems on the lookout for danger.     Thats a classic c-ptsd symptom childhood trauma known as " hypervigilance "
Hypervigilance — the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you — is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hypervigilance

Yes, I recognise a lot in C-PTSD. I'm working with a therapist and read Pete Walkers book and try to work through my grief. It's a work in process. Thanks for your comment Hazy111.

[moglow]

Sonofanarc, so much of this rings true for me as well. Before NC with md, I had a lot of headaches, could count on major digestive upsets after seeing her and many times after phone calls. I started tracking the triggers finally, trying to figure out what was setting my off - it all led back to her.

Five months into NC, things are very different. A coworker asked me recently when I got botox (I havent!) She said the lines in my face have relaxed, that I'm softer, also laugh more, not irritable. "No really what did you change??"

It makes a difference in ways we don't always see. Please be good to yourself.

[JustKat]

Very interesting stuff. My body feels tension all the time.

I've dealt with tension for years, though most of it has been subconscious. My dentist once joked that I had the world's strongest jaw muscles and that I was a "clencher." After he said that I started to pay more attention to it and realized that I do clench my jaw all the time. I also tend to carry my shoulders forward and often have my arms folded in front of me, like someone would do when they're cold. I've been doing these things all my life but never became aware of it until people pointed it out to me.

[Olive]

I found "The Body Keeps Score' to be therapeutic.  If I'm in the same state as my FOO I feel sick with flu-like symptoms and sinus issues.   So many of my family members are crippled I'm hesitant to speak in generalities because health can fail dramatically in unexpected ways.  I am very careful about diet and exercise because my body is sensitive, In my FOO this leads to eating disorders and substance abuse.  So I start with the CDC website as a guideline and try to get several opinions from different doctors when things go askew.  I had a skin infection and was hospitalized for sepsis before my follow-up (after I saw three doctors).  I don't have the immune system, gut, or compass that anyone expects.

[Hazy111]

always seems on the lookout for danger.     Thats a classic c-ptsd symptom childhood trauma known as " hypervigilance "
Hypervigilance — the elevated state of constantly assessing potential threats around you — is often the result of a trauma. People who have been in combat, have survived abuse, or have posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can exhibit hypervigilance

Yes, I recognise a lot in C-PTSD. I'm working with a therapist and read Pete Walkers book and try to work through my grief. It's a work in process. Thanks for your comment Hazy111.

Good luck, i recommended it to my T  (Peter Walkers book)  and he said what a good book it was.  Id recommend it for anyone raised by PD parents, even those who think they arent traumatised (they are).

[Aingeal]

Oh Lilith -  This just jumped out at me.  YES - I have the same response to my mother!  I don't know if it's because I'm always on high alert around her, some kind of hyper vigilance or adrenal fatigue - I'm still trying to figure it out.

When I'm around my "mother" I just get so, so tired, this deadly sleepiness and brain fog. I get it even when I think about her coming home in the evening. It's like my body knows I can't escape, I can't fight, so all I can do is go to sleep. Of course at night when I should sleep, I have a deadly fear of going to sleep.

Does anyone else just get sudden bouts of unbearable sleepiness around their narc?

I only have this response around narcmon.  I lose all energy.  When she's at my house I can barely keep my eyes open.  When I've met her at a restaurant or somewhere on neutral ground - I have to take a long nap when I get home to recover from her. 3 hour nap isn't out of the question.  it's like catching the 24 hour flu.  She truly sucks the life energy out of me with her out downs, snide remarks, backhanded compliments plus obvious attempts to manipulate me.  She truly is TOXIC. 

I'm tired the days leading up to a meeting with her and always need a good day or so to recover from being around Narcm.   Even around toxic friends I have never been this affected by their presence.  When I lived in the same house with Narcm  I would sleep - a lot.  Almost sleeping the weekends away.  I was always exhausted.  During the week at work I was fine.  Energy levels up and planning all the stuff I was going to do in the coming weekend ...... By the time said weekend came along and narcm  was up to her usual antics I would crash and burn and need endless naps to get through two full days with narcm.  Brain fog too.

I'm LC right now and not living with her so things have improved somewhat but I still backside with her mere presence or threat of her presence.  I'm trying to work on self esteem - I've heard that will help me deal with toxic narcm.

Hugs to you

[IntoTheLight]

Good luck, i recommended it to my T  (Peter Walkers book)  and he said what a good book it was.  Id recommend it for anyone raised by PD parents, even those who think they arent traumatised (they are).

I totally agree! The Pete Walker book really gave me a theoretical basis for working on my trauma. After that I read about scapegoating abuse which made me see the whole family was involved and now I am reading 'Understanding the borderline mother'. This last book gives me validation for most of my feelings. I knew I could be triggered easily and this book explains why children of borderliners are so hypervigilant. We are on the lookout non stop, because our mothers change moods so often and are not consistent.

I remember this. My mother could confide in me about her depression and put the burden on making her feel better on me, but then all of a sudden the next day I would set her off and she would be very mean verbally. Or molding me into the GC or SG. I've come to the conclusion I've been both at one point or another. Also, I found the terminology in this book so helpful for describing different types of borderline personality's  ('waif', 'hermit', 'queen' and the 'witch'). My T is also familiar with the books of Van Kolk and Maté so he often asks me to locate where I feel something in my body.