Family crisis unfolding

[moglow]

If you aren't able to move, you can still change things where you are. That's your home and you get to decide who's allowed in at any time - maybe invest in some security cameras or locks if you feel the need so you're not caught unaware. Get in the habit of locking doors even when you're at home, and if she/they have a key "for emergencies" change your locks so they can't foist themselves on you. You also don't have to answer the phone, return calls or messages, or agree to meet anyone anywhere. You have the absolute right to say No or say nothing at all if you choose.


The right thing to do is to protect yourself and your well being first. Don't let someone else's guilt trips or ideas of obligation back you into any corners.

[pianissimo]

I don't think parents know my current address. She could easily find where I work if she wanted though. Perhaps, she has the upper hand here. If she came, there wouldn't be anything I could do. Well, I could arrange my accommodation in a way that prevents her from imposing herself. My advantage is, my working conditions aren't great physically, finding accommodation is a problem for everyone. So, at any given time, we end up having to come up with hundreds of ways to sort things out around this issue. In this case, I could move back to the city, and find a communal accommodation for staff. Here, I could move my things to the work accommodation to be shared by a friend. And, voila, mother has nowhere to stay. But, this would be hugely inconvenient for me. I moved near work recently because the commute from the city was taking a toll on my health. I could do this temporarily though. So, these are the kinds of solutions I have in mind. I might like the change too, if I'm honest.

[FromTheSwamp]

I would stay in the apartment, and think through exactly what you would do to move.  Then if your mom makes ANY noise about moving in with you, trot out the story about your move.  Then don't move.  Later, if she somehow finds out you are still living in the apartment - "Oh, that fell through for now.  I'm still working on it."

[pianissimo]

That doesn't prepare me for the worst case scenario: She shows up unannounced at work. Work is in a small town. Finding a bus to have her return back to where she comes from would be a problem. Having her stay in a hotel would be a problem.

There is no way out of this. She'll do what she'll do. I have to live with it. The whole thing is so unfair. When I called her to confront, she took an issue with my "accusations". Imagine I resentfully let her come and stay with me, and do whatever she wants. She would be the victim of my "attitude".
In the next couple of weeks, she will become the victim of my unwillingness to speak with her, if I don't pick up the phone, she will go "What's the big deal, why are you not picking up the phone?", as if she didn't pull a scam on me, as if there is no reason for me to be upset or to remain distant. I'm so tired of all this.

I still haven't taken a step, but physical tiredness might be preferable in this case. It would also keep me busy. My driving anxiety would keep me occupied too : ) Silver lining? I'm just hoping, this would prevent me from being a viable option for her future plans. I can't think of any other way to deal with this. 

[bee well]

It's a double bind situation, Pianissimo. I hope you will make a list of all choices and outcomes and choose the one that is best for you.

In my experience, acting in ways to protect the feelings of people who think more about themselves than they do you, does not go well in the long run. They might say things that are not true, but you know yourself and anyone who had a good head on their shoulders would be able to recognize it for what it is.

But there is no one that can decide what the right way is except you. What are your values, what will bring more peace for you.

All of this is easier said than done, I know.

Physical tiredness isn't always such a bad thing, as long as we are not working ourselve sinto exhaustion in order to avoid the situation. Distracting yourself with mundane activities, ideally ones you find pleasurable, might not be such a bad idea.

Hang in there, Pianissimo.

[Leonor]

Hello dear Pianissimo,

First, breathe. With each breath, inhale a little deeper and exhale a little longer.

Close your eyes.

Feel the ground under your feet. Sense the fiber in your sock, or the laces crossed over your foot, or the leather under your sole, or the air between your toes. Wiggle.your toes. Try to wiggle one foot and then the other. Wiggle some toes but not others.

Stretch your hands up into the air and touch a cloud. Spread your fingers wide. Feel the energy move from your shoulders through your elbows and then your wrists. Wave, hello! to the sun.

Notice your belly swell as you inhale. Place your palms over your midsection.
Feel your belly rise and fall.

Smell the city, the laundry hanging out to dry, the exhaust of a motorbike, spices bubbling in a pot.

Listen. Pick out each sound: that's a fan. That's the leaves rustling in the wind. That's a far away siren. That's a dog bark.

Lay on the floor. Try to touch the ground with every part of your body: your palms, your shoulders, your heels. Imagine each part melting into the floor, as if it were sinking into a small cushion.

Stand in front of a mirror. Touch your face, your hair. Trace your laugh lines with your fingers. Touch your elbows. Rest your hands on the top of your head. Feel how tall you are, how strong. Say hello to yourself out loud. Smile to yourself.

Say your whole name. Say your birthday. Say how old you are. Say your address, where you live, what you do for a living. Say how your friends and coworkers know you. Say what is your favorite thing to do. Say the thing you know best how to do. Repeat how old you are.

Choose which activity (listening, smelling, feeling, greeting, talking) gave you the greatest sense of calm, that brought you into the present, that made you physically sense your reality. Make that your routine. Every day or every evening or both.

You're in an emotional flashback right now, dear P. You can't think or plan your way out of it. You can't move or hide your way out of it. But you can feel your way out. Sense your way out. Be your way out, just by allowing yourself to be here, now.

And once you do, you'll know exactly what to do. And that what might even be ... nothing.

[pianissimo]

Thanks Leonor.

The enrollments are next week. I don't know how things will play out for a while. It's good to have this space here.

[pianissimo]

So, an update:

A week after she told me about the results of the university exam, my father called me to talk about what she wanted to do. He wasn't in favour of her decision. At that point, it was about her enrollment to the university. I told him what I thought about the situation that there isn't much we can do to prevent her from enrolling. She could do it online. A couple of days later, he called me again and asked if I talked to her, but I declined because I had already done that and told her I didn't want her here.

Then, my mother checked on me on the phone last week as if we don't have any unresolved issue. Then, she texted me about heavy rain and the flood risk. This might be her way to check where I am at.

Finally, today, she started texting me about her plans. She says she secured funding to study from my older brother. She says she had no idea her school was so close to me. She's asking for a room to stay.

Here we are.

[moglow]

You don't have room. You don't owe her a room. She's probably thinking if she sets it all up and is staying with you dad will be okay with it. No matter. Moving to accommodate her isnt an option either.


You already told her no. That hasn't changed. I understand she wants what she wants but your answer hasn't changed. It's a deplorable idea and she needs to find other accommodation. Yes shell likely have a meltdown - and? You still won't have her there. Plus maybe shell be upset enough that she leaves you alone entirely.


Breathe.

[pianissimo]

Thanks moglow, we'll see what happens.

[moglow]

I was also going to suggest a fat white lie: you're subletting the apartment as an individual and can't under any circumstances add anyone to the lease. And they do random inspections. You'd lose your apartment, just like the lady who lived next door after she moved her daughter in.

You're welcome.

[Leonor]

Hi Pianissimo,

I still bet dime for dollar that she is not going to university.

She may be planning a "fun" best-roomie time at your place, but it's just a game meant to a) irk your dad and b) cause drama to get you to side with her against your dad.

This is between the two of them. You did great holding the line with your dad. Now it's mom's turn. Meet the new you, Pianissimo-not-your-marriage-counsellor!

And it's exhausting to think you're going to spend the rest of your life fleeing from one apartment to another in order to avoid upsetting your parents' apple cart.

[pianissimo]

I was also going to suggest a fat white lie: you're subletting the apartment as an individual and can't under any circumstances add anyone to the lease. And they do random inspections. You'd lose your apartment, just like the lady who lived next door after she moved her daughter in.

Thanks 

I still bet dime for dollar that she is not going to university.

It's really unclear what her next move will be. I think that a chat with my father helped me a little. I'm weirdly calm about all this, primarily because there is literally nothing I can do about it. Whatever happened is so not about me. I did nothing to get to this point.

The way I can cope with the situation is to treat her as some kind of random risk factor in my life. I'm hoping I will be able to handle it when she makes a move. So, I'm not ruling out options about moving. That might become the right choice in that situation.

[Leonor]

Hi Pianissimo,

What would happen if you did not allow her to move in with you? Like, irl, you say, "No, you cannot live here" and stand by your word. What would be the likely ramifications for you in that situation?

[pianissimo]

What would happen if you did not allow her to move in with you? Like, irl, you say, "No, you cannot live here" and stand by your word. What would be the likely ramifications for you in that situation?

She will possibly act in a way that doesn't give me a chance to say "No" irl. She will create a fait-accompli. One way to do that for her is to hop on a bus and show up where I live. The outcome would depend on the circumstances. For example, if she shows up at work to reach me, I will be cornered. Otherwise, I might have a better chance.

I guess I'm drawing a line to confrontation. If she showed up at work, would I talk to her? I might just give the apartment to her, and drive to the city. I can sort some place for myself. She might not make more than a month without help, and go back.

By the way, I didn't reply to her messages. Apparently she pestered my father to call me without telling him she texted me about a room to stay.

[Leonor]

Hi Pianissimo,

Let's say she shows up at your door with a suitcase, an enrollment form, and a toothbrush.

You say,"Sorry, mom, no room for you here" and close the door and lock it from the inside.

Now, what happens?

[moglow]

We have to be realistic here - studying for a university degree isn't a short or limited enterprise. Depending on the degree in question, she's not talking about a limited visit, but YEARS of imposing herself on you while she waffles about with said degree. Is this, in fact, her way of asserting her independence and possibly leaving dad and at the same time placing herself firmly between any possibility of a relationship between you and dad? Trying to force you to choose sides, as it were?

I say this not to frighten you but to help think this all the way through. I support any and everyone's right and responsibility towards their own best interests, and dear Pianissimo, my support starts with you. Your mother is an adult in her own right and those rights don't encompass or surpass those of her adult child. She wants that degree? She pursues and supports herself as presumably you do in your own life. Sorry, I have no sympathies there. It seems to me she's trying to force her choices on others and to my mind she bears full responsibility for same.

[pianissimo]

Leonor, I think plans should be made for not getting into those kinds of situations. Once you are in that situation, it's not possible to know what happens next.

Thanks Moglow, I think she has magical thinking around her plans. The commute would be tiresome. It's also expensive. I can't imagine her keeping up with her studies. I will try to avoid getting to the point at which I will have to move, but I just don't know how things will play out. I don't have any intention to talk to her, so, for me, if she forces my hand, I'd find it easier to just move back to the city than to try to talk sense into her. I talked with my father about all this. It looks like we are on the same page. I think, the problem here is, we are all too tired to deal with her. I will do my best to dodge her and keep the apartment to myself.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Pianissimo, you can always say no. Am I reading right that you're considering just giving up your home to her if she were to show up? 

I don't know what the terms of your apartment are, but that's very likely actually illegal.

[lkdrymom]

Do you actually have room in your apartment for her? Or is she expecting you to give up your room and sleep on the couch?  There is nothing wrong with saying "you cannot move in with me".  You are willing to go to extremes (like leaving your home to her) to avoid the word NO.  If she shows up at your office you tell her you cannot accommodate her. You can't save her from her own bad decisions or lack of planning.  Why are you responsible for her choices?  Whatever happened to personal responsibility?