Are you financially supporting the PD parent you are NC with?

[feelingandhealing]

I have been NC for eight months now 😊. I am wondering if any fellow NC'ers are providing financial support to the PD person who you are no contact with. I ask because I am and I am interested in the perspectives from others on this matter.

Here is my specific situation..... eleven years ago uNPDM's house was broken into. After the break-in, DW and I bought and installed an alarm system and to this day, we continue to pay for the alarm system monitoring services. (That reminds me that uNPDM has asked me a couple of times over the years, "what exactly is the monitoring service and why is there a cost for it?" Well, she will finally find out the answer to that if I stop paying the bill!) But I digress.... Back to the situation.....

It's not like it disturbs me deeply that we are still funding her in this way and I don't feel it is impeding with my healing. We all live in the same relatively small city so although paying for the monitoring kinda keeps me connected to uNPDM, there are other ways that I am still remotely connected to her, eg., the neighbour's sister-in-law (who frequently visits the neighbour) is friends with uNPDM.

It's not like I give the situation a lot of thought, well that is until the quarterly invoice arrives in the mail which just occurred the other day.     

The way I see it, I have three options:
1.   Do nothing and continue to pay the invoice
2.   Advise the provider that these invoices are no longer to be sent to me and that they need to be sent to the service address of where the alarm system is installed
3.   Advise uNPDM that we will no longer be paying these invoices

I like option 1 because it means there is no need for a potential confrontation with uNPDM, yet I dislike option 1 because it results in positively rewarding someone who has emotionally abused DW and I for years.

I like option 2 because it results in the conclusion of payment, yet I dislike it because it puts the provider in an awkward position (they are caught in the middle) and will end up doing my dirty work i.e., advising uNPDM that she is now liable for the costs of the monitoring services.

I dislike option 3 because it means I in someway have to make communication with uNPDM and I passionately do not want to do that. Notice that I did not make mention of what I like about this option? The like is of course the fact that the payments would come to an end yet I so dislike the fact of having any kind of contact with uNPDM that its difficult for me to see the positive in option 3.

I thank you for reading this posting and I will be appreciative of any/all thoughts on this situation.   

[Thru the Rain]

Option 4 - cancel the service.

Here's a thought that may help. This money isn't going toward food or shelter or medical care. You aren't actively hurting your M by stopping this specific financial support.

[SunnyMeadow]

I like Thru the Rain's option #4.

It was very nice of you to set up and pay for this service for all this time. You've paid for this for 11 years and apparently uNPDM doesn't even know what it's all about. I'd cancel and if she wants it, she can set it up and pay. She's a grown woman, she can figure it out. 

[daughter]

I'd call the service-provider, and advise them that billing must hereon be sent to service-recipient directly for payment, that as of a certain date, you're no longer paying bill. Provider will contact your mother, and she can decide whether to continue service.

[feelingandhealing]

This money isn't going toward food or shelter or medical care. You aren't actively hurting your M by stopping this specific financial support.

Thanks as the above thought has helped.

Also, thanks to others who have responded. The best option here, one way or another, is to bring an end to this and stop paying for it. DW and I have decided that we will pay the most current invoice, which just arrived a few days ago, and will advise the service provider that we are no longer going to pay going forth. So then when the next invoice comes out, in a few months, it will go directly to uNPDM and she can decide what she wants to do with the invoice and the monitoring service

[Poison Ivy]

Please make sure that telling the service provider that you will not be paying is sufficient to get your name and source of payment off the contract. It might not be.