There’s something lurking

[Spirit in the sky]

I've been doing a lot of inner child healing and lots of feelings about my parents, my father especially coming to the surface.

The latest one is fear and if anyone had asked me in all my 47 years was I afraid of my father I would have laughed and said no. But as I wake up I realise I have been afraid of him and I don't know why. I'm sensing a sinister part of him that I never witnessed before it's creeping me out.

When I was doing some childhood regression with my therapist I couldn't remember anything about my childhood in any detail. I couldn't remember any memorable time spent with my father accept one. My mother was in hospital and we were on a bus going to visit her and someone threw a brick at the window ( i grew up in the Troubles in Belfast) and it shattered. I wasn't hurt. I don't remember how my father reacted or what he said. Nothing.

This week I had another session and when I was asked to go back to aged 7 or 8. I couldn't remember anything but I was screwing my eyes up really tightly like I didn't want to see something. The therapist told me to put myself in a safe place and I imagined myself as little girl standing in the sea. I just wanted to be alone.

As an adult I now see more clearly how he controlled and dictated to me. It's like he knew I was too nice and would never disagree or do anything to annoy him. And I have this feeling of him making me feel worthless. When I spoke to him in the hospital he wouldn't even make eye contact with me, I don't think he'd care if he never sees me again. I believed my father loved me but didn't know how to express it, now I just feel like I have served my purpose and I'm surplice to requirements. I don't think he ever loved in any way.

[Adrianna]

You're doing the work! This is actually good news although it feels awful. My therapist is big on inner child work, and honestly I don't remember much of my childhood. It's a blank. The only parts I do remember were not good.  I too realized I've been terrified of my grandmother for most of my life. Legit scared of her. I also realized there was an underlying sentiment of me being not good enough. She basically made me feel that it was my job to make her happy and let me know regularly I was doing a lousy job at it, as was everyone else though. She saw everyone on the planet as here to serve her.

I think the idea that a parent must love us is is drilled into our heads through society. It's also the torture of cognitive dissonance, when your mind and reality don't match up. You think surely he must love me, he's my father, but why does he do this and that, and why does he act like he doesn't care? It's a tough road to accept there are people on the planet who can't love or form attachments to others. They just aren't capable. It has nothing to do with us being unworthy. It has to do with them. I know this is one of the hardest things to work through. It's a paradigm shift. I can't blame someone for not loving me when they aren't capable. My understanding of narcissism in particular brought me there.

[Spirit in the sky]

Thanks Adrianna,

The weird thing is I've always thought my mother was the baddie and my father was just a happy-go-lucky man about town. His behaviour was so covert I didn't see any of the patterns. My mother never accepted the fact he was an alcoholic and he portrayed himself as a fun loving party animal always making jokes. My mother was always the loud one shouting and getting upset. He was so smart he didn't say anything, he would lay low until she calmed down, and wangle his way back in.

Because she was the vocal one as I child I seen her as the danger, when in truth she was just trying to stand up for herself. His silence allowed him to slip under the radar and play the victim and gain my sympathy. It's all so clear now and like I said sinister. He's been playing us like puppets pulling our strings, trying to get me side with him when he seen my mother was waking up.

Her own wounds made her think she wasn't worthy of respect and she tolerated the emotional and mental abuse because he always turned it on her and made he feel bad about herself. Subconsciously I've been trying to protect her all my life, watching as her tormented her and then made out she was the crazy one.

[_apparentlywicked]

Oh Spirit. I can't say how much I get you and totally understand. About him not loving you and you being hoodwinked your whole life.

I'm grappling with the realisation that my dad doesn't love me too. It's horrible but it's for him to own and me to just carry on loving my inner child.

Yesterday I googled 'my dad doesn't love me' but a lot of the results were about a child, usually a teen not feeling loved and being urged to think of all the lovely things their parents have done and that while they may have to have rules we don't like, like cleaning our room that these are because they love us and are helping us become responsible adults. Yeah that really really helps me! 😀

It just goes to show how counter to all we are taught this realisation is. It feels dramatic and bratty to think it. But there it is in front of us. We can do what we've done before, swallow the pill that says 'he loves me under it all'. Or refuse to gaslight ourselves and call that duck a duck.

Keep giving that inner child buckets and buckets of love. Literally douse yourself in compassion and validation. It may feel wrong and off to begin with. Almost like the voice of the abuser is there saying 'your inner child is a stinking pile of s**t'. Ignore it and love that little child. Only good will come from it. (can you tell I'm largely talking to myself!)

I've seen little shifts in my behaviour since talking to and nurturing my inner child. Last week I was rushing into the dentist as was almost late. Basically I hadn't realised there was a woman behind me so hadn't held the door open. It's a busy high street I might have noticed if it was quieter.

Anyhow I only realised what had happened when I heard this woman behind me say 'thanks for holding the door' super sarcastically. Previously I would have felt awful. Like a feeling of shame I may have carried over into the next few hours.

But this time I stood tall, apologised and said I hadn't seen her.And that inner child was not going to hate herself for a few hours because she'd made a minor mistake.  I knew at the time this was quite telling. Telling that I am shifting things around in my head and also a growing awareness of previously carrying someone else's shame (my dad's).

Peace and love 🦋

[Spirit in the sky]

Apparently wicked this short video helped me https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=t7vRQlkmI_Y&feature=youtu.be

My husband keeps asking me am I ok and I keep saying yes. Because while it's painful to finally understand the truth it's also amazingly powerful. Everything makes sense, I understand the dynamics and why I am able to love my mum unconditionally and not blame her anymore.

If I ask myself who I feel about my father?
Today, I feel very little. If he does come home, I'm not looking forward to it but he is a weak old dying man and he has no power over me anymore. In all honestly I hope he dies in the hospital for everyone sake including his.

I have been grieving for over a year and cried buckets and written posts and journaled and searched my soul to find the answers. I've tried to understand my father, I've tried to see his point of view, I've tried to support him, I've gone to hospitals, doctors, collected medication, gave him his medication daily, managed his finances, did his shopping. And what did I get in return?

Very little, what did I get as a child, very little. He would have given me money but that stopped when I married my second husband because he didn't approve and he didn't want him benefiting in any way. Towards the end the money started again because he thought he could control me and buy my time and attention.

I'm in the middle of a deep retreat. I have taken 2 weeks off work and I am spending time alone writing, thinking, and processing. It's total self care, I can't be bothered being nice to anyone so I've cut myself off from the outside world. It almost feels  like I'm back in the womb. I'm wrapped in my favourite blanket, drinking tea and cuddling my dog. I'm recharging and gathering my strength, I feel when I am ready I will come out of my cocoon and be rebirthed.

I am able to say with all honesty that I forgive my father. And whatever behaviour he displays before the end I will forgive that too because I'm honouring myself. I've taken back my power and nothing or no one can disturb my inner peace.

[Sweetbriar]

Hi Spirit,
I read your post and it moves me so much. I don't know that it's appropriate to say, but my mother grew up in Northern Ireland. I have seen a little bit of the Troubles, during my vacations there, esp. in the 90's.

I have been thinking quite a lot about my mom. She's an outrageous woman, loud and loud. I see her exactly as you see your mom. She has been trying to protect herself against my covert father.

I have also been tucked in the womb this past week, under blankets and spending a lot of time reading posts here. It is good. I don't feel very well and the weather is awful here, so I am allowing this self-care. I have been thinking about the trauma my mom experienced as a child, and all of the folks in Belfast, regardless of where they live and what they believe. I read Milkman last year and it made me cry. It wasn't supposed to, but I cried because I understood it more than I ever had. And it made me think more about my mom's behaviour.

My dad is a sinister old man and I think he always was. He took advantage of my mother's old woundings and took control of her. He always made himself look good by being the quiet poker of the mother bear. He'd put her into a rage and stand back and act so innocent.

I believe that I am now healing generational trauma as well as C-PTSD from my father who has a personality disorder. I can't diagnose him but I will call him a low scale covert narcissist. He does have sadistic tendencies but I'll leave that up to the experts. All I know is i feel a lot more anger at him than I do my mother.

I am so touched that you are taking the time to care for yourself. It sounds like you are a very loving person, and all of that love you've offered your family is going right where it belongs, to you and the childhood parts that need it.

Thanks for you post. It gave me much to think on.

[Spirit in the sky]

That's sweetbriar,

I just replied to your post on your thread 

The troubles did a lot of damage here to a lot of people. It will take generations to heal the deep wounds of suffering on both sides. My mother grew up during the First World War and it caused deep childhood wounds. She was the middle one of 3 children and was the only one evacuated out of Belfast because her mother hated her. She suffered emotional and mental abusive by the family who were supposed to be protecting her.

Thankfully I have healed my mother wounds and it's brought us closer. It's sad that she's 86 and it's taken this long to really understand her, but I do love her very much and I don't blame her.

I've so many issues relating to my dad. My first marriage was a disaster, I thought my husband could rescue me, little did I know he was a mummy's boy and mummy came first. Then I had a string of emotionally abusive relationships with older men who pretended  to care but we're just using me.

I even started working for my father's company to get his approval and when he still ignored me I would fawn over his friends. Seriously sad and degrading behaviour.

I met myself husband and fell under the spell of his narcissistic mother, who controlled and manipulated me for 18 years. She criticised my appearance, my religion, my friends, she made me feel worthless. And of course I didn't realise she was using me to control my husband, if they had an argument which they did a lot, she recognised my fear of conflict and confrontation and I became the peacemaker.

She would phone or text me to manipulate me with tears and like a fool I would persuade my husband to forgive her. When he woke up to her behaviour she tried to get me to side against him, bombarding me with texts and phone calls which became verbally abusive if I didn't do as I was told. My husband went no contact with her and she went mad, turning up at out house yelling. Swearing at us in the street and then phoning me to ask what he wanted for his birthday !

In the end I had to face my fear of conflict and just tell her I wasn't putting up with it anyone more and I wanted nothing to do with her ever again. We have been no contact for a while. She tried to guilt trip us at  Christmas but we stayed strong.

She phoned on Christmas Day to say we ruined her Christmas and she spend all day in bed crying. I think my husband took great delight in saying we had a lovely day. 

[_apparentlywicked]

I love the thought of you in a womb Spirit. In your own womb. Where you are the mother to yourself. Where you know you're nestled within one who is oozing empathy and warmth.

I've only just begun my journey. I realize this is massive. This is big potatoes. I'm taking time to give myself those necessary down times. Watching funny stuff. Crochet. And yes cocooning myself for hours on end on the sofa may be happening 😀

[_apparentlywicked]

Thanks for the link. I like that they also covered the neglect aspect better than some. I realised last night that me and sibs had to parent ourselves. Mum left when I was little and we havent seen much of her since. Dad ignored me largely until I was about 13 but was witnessing him abuse my eldest sib (scapegoat no.1) from when mum left which I acknowledge was also abuse so yes I was being abused from 6 with no parenting.

As for mum it's weird, I just don't really feel a connection either way. We can do polite chit chat the few times I've seen her as an adult but there's no need in me for anything from her. No explanation. Nothing. Step dad told me she was seriously ill in hospital last year. I just said I was sorry to hear that and hope she is comfortable. I felt no need to see her call her nothing. There's nothing to say. Crikey I'm having enough issues with dad without poking that scar.

But who knows. I sound all healthy about it but I'd have sounded all healthy about my dad if you'd asked me 6 months ago 😬

[Spirit in the sky]

I started my journey whenever I noticed I was anxious and walking on eggshells with a lot of people in my life. My mother in law, my female boss and initially my mother, but i late came to learn it was actually my father that was triggering me.

I always believed it was the mother wound that needed healing and that's how I approached my healing. It wasn't until my father was in hospital the first time about 5 years ago that I realised my mother behaved completely differently when he wasn't there. I knew they had a dysfunctional relationship but I wasn't aware of the dynamics.

I don't think you can heal one aspect of our childhood without uncovering issues on both sides. And it took me a long time to figure out who had caused what conditioning for me. My father's alcoholism was never discussed and I was always made to feel bad if I said anything because 'at least I had a father'. Sometimes I think no father would have been better because his presence called endless arguments and a very unpleasant atmosphere.

I have always said it's like an onion and you peel away one layer and there is another one below and another and another. I also discovered the dysfunction goes back generations and I started doing family research and you see patterns of behaviour passed down through the generations. It's actually really sad.

My womb hibernation is the only think keeping me sane. I can't function normally when I'm processing stuff. The daily stress of work would send me over the edge and my narcissistic boss would love to see my crack. She still triggers me and feeds off my discomfort and stress around family issues. So I need to keep myself safe until heal and recharge.

Somedays are better than others, yesterday I was pretty positive today and not so good. It's a rollercoaster and I just have to ride it out until I find myself again.

The only thing I can compare it to is when I got divorced. The should I shouldn't I leave him, the guilt, the feelings of 'is it me', separating and actually feeling numb because theirs no stress, the shame, the blame and relief, the doubt and finally knowing I did the right thing. I saved myself but someone else had to suffer for me to be happy. Thankfully my ex is happily remarried now but the guilt stayed for a long time.

Thanks for the link. I like that they also covered the neglect aspect better than some. I realised last night that me and sibs had to parent ourselves. Mum left when I was little and we havent seen much of her since. Dad ignored me largely until I was about 13 but was witnessing him abuse my eldest sib (scapegoat no.1) from when mum left which I acknowledge was also abuse so yes I was being abused from 6 with no parenting.

As for mum it's weird, I just don't really feel a connection either way. We can do polite chit chat the few times I've seen her as an adult but there's no need in me for anything from her. No explanation. Nothing. Step dad told me she was seriously ill in hospital last year. I just said I was sorry to hear that and hope she is comfortable. I felt no need to see her call her nothing. There's nothing to say. Crikey I'm having enough issues with dad without poking that scar.

But who knows. I sound all healthy about it but I'd have sounded all healthy about my dad if you'd asked me 6 months ago 😬

[Spirit in the sky]

Woke up at 4am with a panic attack, couldn't breathe and my mind was out of control. I managed to talk myself out of it with some techniques I therapist thought me but I realise I'm suffering from CPTSD from my childhood.

As I child I unknowingly took on the role of caretaker because my parents were so dysfunctional and I was always the peacemaker trying to ease the tension because it caused me so much distress. I have very few memories from childhood but I remember sitting crying on the stairs when my father came home drunk and my parents would yell and throw things at each other.

The reason this has all come rushing to the surface is I feel I need to be the peacemaker again and 'control' the situation because I feel like everything is out of control and I feel like that little girl again sobbed on the stairs, just wanting it to stop.

My mother doesn't want my father home from hospital because she has had enough of him. She's threatening to have another breakdown if he returns, he's emotionally blackmailing her and won't go into a nursing home. As always I'm stuck in the middle trying to control everything, I know I shouldn't but my conditioning is so deep I go from being able to step back to going into panic mode.

I'm not in flight or fright mode I'm in freeze mode basically my mind is telling me that I won't be safe until my father dies and the cycle of abuse is over. I'm literally frozen in fear and my inner child is terrified and I'm telling myself I can't cope. I read children of alcoholic's try to control situations because they don't trust anyone to keep them safe.

My father was an alcoholic and my mother was emotionally unstable and as a child I must have shut down. Now when a situation arises and I feel I have no control the panic sets in again and I just want it to go away, so my mind finds the easiest solution. If my father dies, I will be safe. If my father comes home and my mother has a breakdown how does that make me feel?

The adult in me says, that's life. Bad things happen we can't control the outcome and I'll survive. The wounded inner child curls up into a ball and wants to hide away from the outside world. I've started to remember that I escaped into a world in my head when I was a little girl. It was a coping mechanism I checked out of reality and lived in my head because I was in control of what was happening in there and I felt safe.

[_apparentlywicked]

I'm sitting with you on those stairs spirit. And right now you're on those stairs, in limbo, neither here nor there. Knowing that any influence you have is illusionary.

In reality you have as much control over your parents now as you did then. Even as a wise and strong adult you can't fix it. Again the only thing you can influence here is you.

I'm sure you already do this but what soothing things do you say to your inner self? What would have been soothing things to have said to the child on the stairs if you say with her now?

Have you spoken about cptsd with your therapist?

Love and peace on valentine's ❤️

[Spirit in the sky]

Thank you apparently wicked.

I didn't associate the physical symptoms until I read The Laundry List. I don't think anyone actually called it CPTSD somI haven't used that term with my therapist.

I've making so much progress recently it took me by surprise, I think I read the term on one of your posts and I googled it.

I know I need to separate myself from inner child and not think from that perspective. She was helpless and no one listened and no one saved her. Thankfully I realise now as an adult I'm not helpless, I am listening and I can save myself.

It's another step on road to recovery, thank you for your support 

I'm sitting with you on those stairs spirit. And right now you're on those stairs, in limbo, neither here nor there. Knowing that any influence you have is illusionary.

In reality you have as much control over your parents now as you did then. Even as a wise and strong adult you can't fix it. Again the only thing you can influence here is you.

I'm sure you already do this but what soothing things do you say to your inner self? What would have been soothing things to have said to the child on the stairs if you say with her now?

Have you spoken about cptsd with your therapist?

Love and peace on valentine's ❤️