HELP Please - Prep 4 Settlement Meeting TU 1/29

[HopefulOne44]

Hello Friends -

I suppose this will be a bit of an update as well as a request for help as I've not posted in a while.

Hard to believe that I registered back in 2015 and that I was ready to file at that time. 

At least I *felt* ready...  I was not in a position to leave so I have been working my way to this point since then. 

Anyway, I left this past October.  It's still too sad to go into depth explaining but I left a note (and sent an email) while my uBPD/covertN was at work and explained that altho it was an agonizing decision, I'd taken an apartment and would be picking the kids up from school and taking them there. 

I plan to post in the near future about the specifics as it was especially helpful for me to read the experiences of others and it gave me the courage go thru with things! 

Suffice it to say it has been a rollercoaster since then  until just recently, and tho' it has taken me a while to believe it, I finally am starting to feel it has been worth the pain. 

Cut to now where I finally filed for divorce earlier this month. 

By some miracle we've been able to work out the kids seeing their PD dad, usually a day or 2 on the weekends.  PDh has also been sending me money since the beginning (I'm very fortunate, I realize).   

So, this Tuesday we have a settlement meeting with my attorney and tho' I'm very grateful that things have smoothed quite a bit, I'm basically going in BLIND and feeling like PDh is going to ambush me where it comes to hashing things out. 

Several times at the start of the separation I'd attempted quite directly to ask PDh if he could give me a very basic idea of what he saw as a realistic arrangement where it came to finances and custody and he essentially deflected my questions (something he's quite skilled at and done our whole marriage), leaving me with virtually no clue as to what he's REALLY wanting.

As I understand it from my attorney, finances are pretty cut and dry as far as the courts are concerned, so that's a relief (no assets to speak of except retirement funds). Custody is where I anticipate issues.   

I haven't had the nerve to ask PDh for his thoughts in the past month or so as things have been going so well (relatively speaking), so we could be coming to the table with completely differing ideas of what is fair.

The day I left he said he was going for 50/50, but he's SAID a lot of things. 

If that's really what he's wanting tho,  I don't think that is healthy or realistic considering I have cared for the kids 99% of the time their entire lives, and that PDh can't handle every day life situations without freaking out.  This may end up going to court I suppose. 

Anyway, my question for you all is...

What do you wish you had (or did) put in our MSA/Marriage Settlement Agreement? 

If I left it up to my attorney I think we'd end up with a typical agreement, that as I've read, leaves a LOT of gray area that enables PDs to manipulate and punish the Non.

I've read a lot on what to include but for some reason I'm drawing a blank (envision a deer in headlights)..

The only things I can think of that I want to make sure to include are the "Right of 1st Refusal" and to make sure that all stipulations have a legal consequence (tho what specific consequences I don't know).  I will also be exploring a possible "tie-breaker" clause, tho' I don't think that's doable in Califoria where we live.

Would you mind sharing your ideas? 

I would be so grateful for your insights or any sample MSAs you could point me to or PM me. 

I wish this could just be a 'normal' divorce.  Having to protect yourself and kids AFTER the divorce is overwhelming when it comes to thinking of clauses, wording etc...

Thanks to all who have shared their stories, thoughts and feelings on Out of the FOG.  It has without a doubt enabled me to be where I am today. 

Blessings ...

HopefulOne44

P.S.  A couple things important to mention... 

PDh emailed me the other day ...A long email saying he was having some insights into "how messed up he is in the head" and that he's a narcissist... That he doesn't want us to suffer anymore because of his upsets. 

The other day my eldest DS12 was in tears saying his OR dad told him he'd have to chose where he wanted to live. 

I'm thinking he told my son this BEFORE his long email, but I don't know.  All of this is ...surprise...Jekell and Hydey...

Just thought I'd throw those tidbits out there to shed more light on what I'm dealing with.

FWIW there are several posts if you're interested in my backstory.

 

[Spygirl]

I am able to work with my PD and a mediator/attorney, but only because i am paying for it all, and have been willing to make concessions that hurt me a little, but in many ways make him feel a "winner" in the $$$$ dept, and benevolent. Mind you i am still being financially abused at this time by his inconsistent payments.

I spoke with the lawyer, and he said that i was in my rights to bargain with him. I will give him  3 extra years of payments, but ONLY IF THE MONEY COMES OFF HIS CHECKS AUTOMATICALLY 2 TIMES A MONTH ON THE 2 DATES HE PICKS. They will electronically deposit into an account of my choice.

By allowing him to pick the dates, he cannot say he cannot accommodate it. By having the money removed by employer, i can make sure i get it before he spends it. He is not reliable, and late on everything. If it is written in the judgement, it is his legal obligation.