Dealing with BPDw and divorce

[DJ]

My BPDw of 23 years (we've been separated for two) finally filed a couple of months ago after threatening for a year, but then she would not serve the petition.  For two months she has vacillated between saying she is going forward with the divorce and suggesting she is happy with the current situation.  Yes, nothing unusual there.  A month ago she decided she didn't want to see  or communicate with me and was going to call her lawyer and have her proceed and again, nothing.  A few weeks later she "accidentally" called my phone.  Then she found some things in her house that were mine and needed to return them, followed by texts about various things.

Then, out of the blue, her lawyer sends my attorney discovery requests, still not having served the suit.  (She has really be splitting for the last 4 or 5 months). Among other things the discovery included questions suggesting that I had or have a "romantic" relationship with someone (that's her projecting) and that I have made secret tapes and videos of her (I sure hope that's not projecting).  I lost it and sent her a text letting her know how I felt about it and to stop all communication unless absolutely necessary.

I also went and got the petition from the courthouse and told my lawyer to file an answer and counter petition for divorce so she could not dismiss the case if she decided a few months down the road that that would amuse her.  I guess she got that yesterday because she has suddenly blocked me from everything.   

While that will make it difficult to communicate on a few things that are necessary, I really don't mind.  I understand it gives her a sense of control and that is probably all it is, but I cannot shed that feeling of dread that comes with knowing she is triggered.  I think most of you know that feeling very well.

I have a lot to lose in this divorce.  She has nothing, that isn't hidden.  I fall back into the old pattern of thinking placating her will make things easier, but they never have in the long run. 

So, any advice on how to handle a BPD who can rage with the best of them in a divorce situation?