Separated after 29 years of marriage - Narcissistic Abuse

[yorkiemom]

I was married for 29 years to a narcissistic person, who emotionally and verbally abused me.  We are separated now, and I am living alone now - for four months.  I am wondering if there is anyone else in a similar situation.  And if so, do you feel alone and just "weird"?  Like, this is not supposed to be my life.  Will I be alone forever?  What happens next?
I still see my husband maybe once a week or so.  We have an adult daughter together.  He doesn't seem to be bothered at all by the separation.  What does that mean? I guess a narcissist cannot show weakness.  But, 29 years is a long time to not be bothered when things change.
Is anyone else feeling any of these things?

[guitarman]

Welcome. You are not alone.

You may like to look at the YouTube channel of the author and counsellor Kris Godinez. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome. Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

I have just posted her book recommendations in the "Book Reviews" section of the forum.

I post about narcissistic abuse in the "Other Media Resources" section as well. There are other YouTube channels about narcissism such as "Doctor Ramani" and "Surviving Narcissism".

The more we educate ourselves about narcissistic abuse the better we are equipped to understand what has been happening. We may have experienced narcissistic abuse for years, even decades, without realising.

No wonder you feel "weird". You are probably not used to being free from repeated abuse. Abusers are all about power and control. It can feel weird not being around the abuser all the time. It can feel strange to be away from all the chaos and dramas. It can feel strange to feel at peace and to enjoy the new calmness and quiet. Maybe for a long time you have experienced hypervigilance and anticipatory dread all the time.

You may like to look at the "Toolbox" section for further information on how to cope better.

Be aware of any hoovering behaviour and love bombing tactics.

Observe, don't absorb.

Keep calm. Keep strong. Keep posting.

[Kat54]

welcome Yorkiemom, no you are not alone. Many people here have been through similar abusive relationships. This board of really nice and understanding people helped me get through my divorce and made me realize I'm not alone and did not feel like the crazy one. Its a good place seeking advice and venting frustrations.

My advice right now is the feeling weird part and it not part of the plan in life. There will be peace and happiness at the end of this long journey.

My ex when we separated was more concerned about what people would think and say. It was about the image, which blew me away. He never once asked to work things out, never shed a tear, never asked me not to leave or to come back, not once... The only thing he said was, this wasn't his problem. His being abusive to me, yelling, barking at me, putting me down was not his problem. He said, this is the way I am and I'm not changing, or taking a pill....he has a ton of anxiety also.  It was so hurtful after 24 years married. It took me so long to get past his not seeming to care. I thought then maybe he was done with our marriage also and didn't know how to end it, but he certainly played up being the victim.  Today I'm 6 months post divorce, bought a new home and I feel like the best part of my life is starting. Some days are difficult, some days lonely, but the peace and no more chaos, yelling, walking on pins and needles are over and it was worth the hard journey to get there with not an ounce of regret.

Best of luck to you, and keep posting when you are feeling upset or need advice.

[yorkiemom]

Guitarman,
Thank you very much for the encouragement and resource ideas.  I did go last night/early morning and watch part of a youtube video by Kris Godinez.  I will check out the other resources, as well.  I am reading a very good book on the same topic by David Hawkins called, "When Loving Him is Hurting You".  It is difficult to read because I see so much of my husband and me in the examples.
You are right that it has been very quiet and calm since I moved, but my mind is very busy.  I have support from family and friends, and I have a wonderful counselor - but people cannot be with me all the time, and in the age of Covid, I am working from "home" - so it gets quite lonely.
Maybe one of the hardest parts is feeling like I know how to fix the problem, but I have no control over him to force that to happen.
I suspect there is a reason why you know so much about this topic.  I hope you are well.
Thank you again for the kind words.
Best,
Yorkiemom

[yorkiemom]

Kat54,
Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post.  It sounds like there are some similarities between our situations.  It is sad that there are so many people in our situation.
I am glad for you that you are in a good place now.  I will lift up a prayer for you to continue to rise up and be blessed.  Twenty-four years is a long time to be giving it your all to someone who doesn't seem to care if you come or go.  I feel that pain.  And yes, I have also been made to feel like I am the one with the "problem", I am/was a "bad wife", I don't do things "right", etc.
I also relate to your comment about how maybe he wanted a divorce but didn't know how to go about getting there.  I feel like my husband sort of planned it - to make me feel so bad that I couldn't take it anymore - so I would be the one to "cause the break" by leaving.  What kind of way is that for a grown man to act?  That seems cowardly to me.  Why don't they just say how they feel?  Maybe they can't or don't know how.  I don't know.
Last, about the fact that he didn't want to "take a pill". Lol.  My husband didn't either, but somebody HAD TO!!!!  So, that has always been me - taking a pill to deal with the life that I was living with him. 
This feels like a dream.  It is all just too bad to be real.  I have never given up on anything in my entire life.  I am a first generation college student with a Ph.D. because I am NOT A QUITTER.  I am a very hard working person.  But, there is no amount of work or amount of time that can make another person change.  So, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other, and leaning on my God, and praying that He will guide me in the right direction.
Thank you and blessings,
Yorkiemom

[notrightinthehead]

That's the best you can do at this point, setting one foot in front of the other.  And instead of thinking about him, his feelings, his motivations, his his his - turn your thoughts back to yourself every time you become aware where they have wandered.
It is very hurtful when you realize how little your partner is affected by the break down of your marriage. Mine went on a dating site and replaced me within three months.
It took me a long time to realize how much I had enabled him and I am still discovering more. Still, it is a wonderful journey Out of the FOG and I am glad that you are taking it with the rest of us. Welcome!

[1footouttadefog]

I can relate. At 35 years, i am separating.

Moving spouse into a rental house of ours. I will be separated and going after cistody because he is mentally ill and incompetent.  I will look after his affairs, but will be living as a single woman.

I have had enough.

[ploughthrough2021]

I have been with a narcistic for the 30 years and can only dream about getting out for now. So count your lucky stars that you re out !!

[Fae Greenwood]

 

[ChillNow]

ploughthrough2021, I sent you a private message.