Almost left, important revelations

[SeaBreeze]

As in real life, I'm jumping back and forth between the Committed board and this one. I've been working on an exit plan the past 6 years of what is now a 24 year marriage to uNPDh. I first put this plan into action by going back to work when the youngest DS (now age 20) started high school. What began as a part-time, entry level, minimum wage office job is now a full-time, 100 percent remote, management position with enough salary to make it on my own.

I got mad enough last week to accelerate things and submit an out of state rental application. Anger turned to panic. After breathing, walking, praying, doing yoga, watering the hedge, and yes, visiting Out of the FOG... I rescinded the application. I saw some holes in my exit plan I am now working to patch up.

I was also able to emotionally detach and analyze my panic:

1. I don't still love uNPDh. But I am experiencing trauma bonding.

2. I can finally afford to leave!!! But I need to sort some logistics out better.

3. I'm scared. Partly how H will react, but more so of change (even positive change). I'm honestly more nervous about asking my boss if I can work remote out of state. (We recently started hiring outside of our city, but still require employees to reside in our state. But hey, maybe out of state is next?)

So this is where I'm currently at on my exit plan. Eventually I hope to stop planning and just exit.

[notrightinthehead]

I fully understand. It took me many years too. I had accommodation in another country and left NPDh for months at a time. When we were together I medium chilled and grey rocked in overdrive. Eventually he had enough of me not giving him supply anymore, registered on several dating sites, and within a few months he asked me to move out permanently because he wanted to life with his new partner in our home. You cannot imagine how relieved, shocked, and grateful to that other woman I was.
I don't think you can prepare for the  difficult time after you leave. So much emotions to process! Still. And it is like jumping into the icy water, even if you wanted it for a long time. Just remember - we are here for you! You are not alone.

[square]

No advice, I just really feel that. And am very impressed with what you achieved career-wise in just 6 years, wow!

[Boat Babe]

Humans have evolved to favour the familiar and the predictable. Even a change to something bigger and better can be daunting. Many many people struggle with anxiety around change. Then if you factor in having lived with PD crazy and trauma bonding, then it's gonna feel doubly scary.

This is when your emotional regulation techniques come into play, when you dig deep and find reserves of courage and confidence that take you over the threshold into a much happier life. I don't think I've read a single story on this forum where someone has regretted leaving their PD afflicted spouse.

All the very best to you.

[losingmyself]

I'm right here with ya.
Scared, but I know life is short, and getting shorter.
I am working up the courage, Change is so scary!!
Goodluck and lots of strength to you.
Congratulations on your job, also!!

[bat123]

Hi, SeaBreeze!  I'm feeling this with you!  I've been married 25+ years to uNPD.  I have a well paying job and can afford to leave.  My kids are mostly grown.  I've been Out of the FOG for several years and I have the knowledge and the tools to leave, but.... It's just so hard to contemplate upending my life.  He will never leave our home, so I'd have to make the move.  And he's a "pursuer."  He creates drama, throws tantrums, and then he lovebombs and wants to spend time together.  It's a terrible cycle.  I'm doing much better at not allowing myself to be baited, and setting boundaries.  But it's so much work, and his behavior actually seems to be worsening.  I don't know if I'll ever muster the strength to make a life change.  But I see things more clearly now than I ever have, and that's something.  I fantasize about setting out to create a healthy, single life.  I have supportive family and friends.  But I've never been "alone," and it seems so daunting.  I'm so afraid I'd regret it.  It's a hard place to be.

[losingmyself]

Bat123, I have been fantasizing lately about how it would feel to be alone, as well. It is not scary to me at all. It is a beautiful place with no drama, accusations, blame, etc.  I think that we can create our reality by dreaming of it. I don't know if it'll work, but I'm going to keep on with my daydreams.
And actions, of course!
It is terrible, the cognitive dissonance that happens when they are mean and then nice and helpful, then mean again. It really messes with a person's brain. I decided to GR, and take the help as I get it, because it might be a thing I need, but it's his choice to help me. Doesn't change anything. It's just stuff done. He's not going to be a different person.
Like, if someone told you that you had to be a jerk for the rest of your life. You can't do it! It's not in your nature.
And I don't think any one of us will regret getting away from them. I have never been alone, either, and the thought brings me joy!
Good luck and God bless to all of us

[hhaw]

SB:

I trust you'll handle leaving in the best way possible.

Trust yourself and your intuition.  Distance from you PD (any distance at all) will help you overcome the anxiety, ime. 

I like how you think.....out of State is brilliant, ime.

[Kat54]

It's such a huge step and no matter how you approach it your uNPDh will be upset. Wishing you luck and keep going in the right direction. You will get there.

[guitarman]

I wish you well. I hope that you can achieve what you seek.

I can't remember the statistics but it may take many, many attempts before people actually leave an abusive relationship. So don't be so hard on yourself. You are not alone.

It will be a huge step for you to take. You need to talk to yourself out loud with your calm, adult voice. It's what I do to reprogram my inner critic, which is the voice of my abuser.

My abuser is my uBPD/NPD sister. I have her constantly in my thoughts criticising all that I do. I haven't had any contact with her for over two years and I don't want to see her ever again. For decades I have got so used to her abusive behaviour towards myself and everyone else in our family.

I realise now that I have been experiencing trauma for decades. During that time I didn't know that her behaviour was abuse.

I can relate to others experiencing trauma bonding. I feel so guilty about going no contact with her. It has taken over a decade to finally not contact her. During that time I have been attending mental health carers support groups. They have helped me so much. I realise that I need to take care of my own needs first and that it's OK to do that. I matter too.

It takes so much courage to finally leave. It can be scary and frightening. You maybe scared of any repercussions because that is the way you have been controlled for years.

Abusers are all about power and control. How targets of abuse overcome that is by building their own self esteem. That takes time.

You maybe experiencing CPTSD because of ongoing abuse for years. Other people really don't understand unless they have experienced a similar situation themselves.

You may like to watch the author and counsellor Kris Godinez on YouTube. She specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and shows how targets of abuse can cope better.

Her YouTube channel is called "We Need To Talk with Kris Godinez".

She regularly talks about people leaving an abusive relationship and how to get a plan together and stick to it.

You may find it helpful to contact a domestic violence support group, if you've not done so already, so that you have additional support. 

As Kris Godinez says
"Go live your life and live it well!".

Keep calm. Stay strong. Stay safe. Keep posting.

[SeaBreeze]

Thank you, everyone, for your support and encouragement. I keep coming back to re-read what each of you have posted. Truly appreciated and needed.

I love Kris Godinez and have followed her for a while now. Definitely helpful advice from her.

When it's safe to do so, I will call the domestic violence hotline in the state I'd like to move to. I can afford a place but need to procure one safely and could use some guidance from them. My DS20 is going with me, so I'm not sure if we could temporarily stay at a women's shelter, but this particular hotline also offers support to LGBTQ+ teens and young adults, which youngest identifies as, so I'll find out what those resources include.

Had a somewhat honest talk with uNPDh today. He doesn't know I want to leave, but he is aware I'm unhappy. I'm treading carefully, with code words in place with DS should things go hot.

I'll keep everyone posted but it may be a while as I lie low and finalize plans. Thank you again. This site is an oasis.

[hhaw]

You're so wise and patient, SeaBreeze:

Taking  your time and setting up a safe exit.....
reaching out to resources available to you......
asking for help while not letting her stbx know you're planning to leave.

Those are proactive moves and I pray for the best possible outcome for you and your grown child.

::sending you courage and intestinal fortitude::.