Is this something my DH should know about and decide for me?

[Dinah-sore]

I remember I posted this summer about if I needed to get my DH's permission to have a glass of wine. My DH is very religious and he works at a Christian school/church. And this denomination is more strict about alcohol. My DH had a glass of wine on our first date, but then when he started working here he became very much against alcohol. I was also raised in an environment where alcohol was abused (along with drugs). So I used to blame the alcohol for all my BPDm's past behavior/abuse. But as an adult I have come to realize that there are plenty of people who can use alcohol in moderation without abusing people.

My BPDm also used to tell me that I was an alcoholic. But I realized that it was projection. I am not an alcoholic. I went out with my friends this summer out of town and for the first time in 25 years I had a glass of wine. It was a nice experience.

There have been a few other times this year when on nights when my DH and children are busy out of the house I would relax with a glass of wine and some snacks and watch a movie and relax. I have never been tempted to drink too much. And I have some friends that do know. But I feel like what if it is bad because I don't have my husband's permission. But on the other hand, I think that I am a grown woman, I am not an alcoholic. I am just changing. I told my husband about the wine this summer, and he was upset, and told me that he doesn't want me to drink at all. I replied that I understand his reasons, but that I haven't decided what role I want wine to play in my life. I would like to have the occasional glass of wine. To him, that makes me a bad Christian. I have shared my reasons, I have shared the Bible verses that I used to form my new opinions of wine, and I have shared that if anyone has a right to use alcoholism as a reason to abstain--it is me--after what I saw as a kid. But what I saw as a kid was alcoholism, and abuse--not someone enjoying a glass of wine with a salmon salad. You know? It is different.

My question is, should I be more forward with my DH and just tell him, that I plan to have a glass of wine every now and then, and I respect his opinion so I won't drink it in front of the kids, and if he doesn't like it I won't drink it in front of him?

Or should I just not have any wine ever?

I guess my conundrum is, if he didn't want me using cocaine I wouldn't (but I have never used cocaine, and i would never use cocaine, and i think a glass of wine is not at all like cocaine). My other conundrum is, I don't tell him what to eat or drink. He eats a lot of foods that are unhealthy and I don't eat those foods, but I don't give him a hard time about eating them. And I could make a point about gluttony in the Bible. I mean, he overeats sweets. But I am not over drinking alcohol. I probably sound crazy.

[SweetTea]

You are not partaking in anything illegal, you are making an adult decision for yourself only. If you enjoy an occasional glass of wine, I believe you should do so without guilt, and without having to constantly defend yourself (JADEing) on an issue that is between you and God. I also personally don't think you should have to avoid having your occasional glass of wine in front of your children. I think it's healthy for children to see that adults can form new opinions, evolve, and change over time, and mom and dad can love each, not agree on every single thing, but still respect each other.

A marriage can be successful with two levels of devoutness to religion, (or two different religions, or two different cultures, or two different political parties.) What's important is that each parent respect their partner and set an example of grace and tolerance in front of the children (the better for children to learn grace and tolerance out in the world as they grow up.)

That's my two cents anyway. 

[notrightinthehead]

Let me ask you this way: If you husband was a dentist and totally against eating sweets, would you ask his permission to have a bit of chocolate here and there?

[Dinah-sore]

You are not partaking in anything illegal, you are making an adult decision for yourself only. If you enjoy an occasional glass of wine, I believe you should do so without guilt, and without having to constantly defend yourself (JADEing) on an issue that is between you and God. I also personally don't think you should have to avoid having your occasional glass of wine in front of your children. I think it's healthy for children to see that adults can form new opinions, evolve, and change over time, and mom and dad can love each, not agree on every single thing, but still respect each other.

A marriage can be successful with two levels of devoutness to religion, (or two different religions, or two different cultures, or two different political parties.) What's important is that each parent respect their partner and set an example of grace and tolerance in front of the children (the better for children to learn grace and tolerance out in the world as they grow up.)

That's my two cents anyway. 

Thank you so much for your comment. I started thinking, after I posted this, that maybe the fact that I want to have a glass of wine now and then even if my husband doesn't want me to means that I am selfish, or even worse alcoholic. Why would I put something so insignificant in the place of contention in my home. I am not alcoholic, but I was only thinking that maybe I had a problem because "Why does this mean so much to you Dinah?" You know? But I was thinking of the idea of coercive control. My DH is coercively controlling choices that are not necessarily wrong. He has no history of alcohol abuse himself, so I wouldn't be tempting him. And he has no history of growing up in a home with an alcoholic, so he is not traumatized. It is purely his interpretation of his religious beliefs. I respect his beliefs. But I do not share them.

That is why it actually blew my mind when you said that it might be GOOD for my kids to see me drinking a glass of wine. Ideally, this is something that I agree with. I want them to see adults drinking responsibly. So they don't think that "red cup drunkenness" that they will see in college is the norm. I also would like to be authentic and open. I kind of wish he could see me have a glass of wine and how it doesn't inebriate me. He is pretty firm in his stance. I am torn because I believe that we have free will, but our free will doesn't give us a pass to harm others. But if I was harming others it would be different right? I get so confused because I have spent my entire life controlled by the opinions of others, and most of those opinions came from narcissistic/controlling/shaming people. I feel 12.

Let me ask you this way: If you husband was a dentist and totally against eating sweets, would you ask his permission to have a bit of chocolate here and there?

Wow. Mind blown.

Of course not.

I wonder if I need to come to terms with how much I am letting the opinions of the church culture influence me. The church used to have a statement against alcohol on their website, and you had to sign a contract that you would not drink and that you agree with everything the church teaches to help out. I signed it years ago. But since then I have changed my mind about some of the other things the church teaches too. I just don't talk about those things openly. I looked yesterday on the website and the statement about alcohol is not there anymore, they updated the website. But I know they still don't want people helping out, if they drink. I do help out. I wonder if I need to stop having that glass of wine because I signed that contract. Or decide, live my own life how I see fit and don't help out, or follow the rules so I can help out. I don't know if it is wrong to do both.

I might sound ridiculous. I am sorry. I just get confused about following rules, because I don't want to be selfish or narcissistic and think the rules don't apply to me.

I wouldn't post on social media about me drinking, but I don't see how it is a problem to anyone if I have a glass of wine occasionally in my home. Or if I go out to a nice lunch with a friend out of town (I haven't done that, just the first time when I went out of town with some friends). I just hate having to hide it. I feel like a teenager sneaking. I want to feel like an adult and say to my DH, "I am not an alcoholic, but I am going to have a glass of White Zinfandel tomorrow night when you guys are gone, with my dinner." And maybe he will become open to this over time, and gosh, maybe one day he will let me drink a glass of wine at a nice restaurant if we go on a date sometime. It sounds so stupid though. It is just wine!!!! It shouldn't be that important. I don't think it is the wine that is important. I think the wine is a symbol, of how I am not able to make my own choices without guilt or control. Just like candy isn't a big deal. But someone telling you what you can and can't eat, is a big deal. You know?

Thank you both soooooooooooooo much. You are helping me work through some big issues that have to do with small things. I think it is the root in me that is the problem--the root of not knowing how to live my own life in healthy relation to my loved ones. I literally don't know what is right or selfish. 

[sad_dog_mommy]

Control comes in many forms.  When I gave into his (irrational) demands such as not talking to male co-workers because I was emotionally exhausted things got WORSE.  I think he saw that little 'victory' as a win and over time would put even more 'constraints' on my life.  I had to call on my way home from work.  I had to answer his call when he called my cell phone even if I was on a business call on my office landline.  He would listen to my call to determine if it was an actual business call.

My point is, you are an adult and unless he has a legitimate concern about your health and wellbeing; he is trying to control you.  Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.

((( hug )))

[1footouttadefog]

This topic hits close to home fo me.  I grew up in a Southern Baptist Church.  The culture of the church was anti-alcohol.  Yet me father drank and my older unchurched siblings drank and smoked etc. 

I remember all the talk against drinking.  Later after marrying I changed to another SBC and that pastor was almost pathological in his anti alcohol stance because his father was a bad alcoholic and had impoverished the family.

In both cases I saw the youth of the churches grow up and lots of shot gun marriages took place.   In my first church a notorious pedophile was working with the youth and childrens church and another man in the church was likely involved. A great many of the kids who grew up in the church never married and are either gay or live with people outside of marriage, or are likely porn addicted loners. 

But hey they are all sober tea totollers

My how the enemy can work even in a church.

I instinctively knew I did not want my own kids in such an environment.  When we relocated to the heart of the "Bible Belt" I felt blessed to find an interdenominational church to attend. 

How nice to go to dinner parties with my fellow, mature adult Christians and have a glass or two of wine and no one gets drunk.

How nice to stop in at the 19th hole to have a girls night out and not worry about getting hit on or accused of flirting or cheating because my friends and I are surrounded by other friends and church members eating dinner or having a drink. 

Christians fellowshipping in public with a glass in hand.

For those wondering, I drink on average once or twice a month.

I discuss alcohol with my kids as well as sexuality, red flags of dating, gluttony, sexual predators,  and all sorts of things that were not talked about when I was a kid.

There is a woman in my church whose husband is an SBC minister.  They are a second marriage after the death of spouses. They seem happy attending separate churches.