Narcissistic rage over setting healthy boundaries

[gettingstronger1]

Well I am two days out of a very painful back surgery, and tonight I experienced the narcissistic rage and abuse of my sister in law.  For the last 18 years I thought I had a good relationship with my sister in law.  I knew she had problems with her temper with her mom, siblings, and her children.  I also knew that she had once slapped her daughter in public and the police were called.  She had not been abusive to my husband and I yet, so I guess I should have known that it would only be a matter of time til she mistreated me. 

In the back ground of all of this, you guys know from my other posts that my husband and I had to set a boundary with his mother this summer because she was emotionally abusing us too.  My MIL was also enraged by our boundary with her, and she complained that no one had ever done this to her before. What happened with my SIL tonight was that I had asked her to call me because I was sad that my siblings ignored me even though they knew I was having surgery on my back because of a herniated disk. My SIL had been supportive of me in the past when she heard about my families emotional abuse.  What I didn't know was that both she and my MIL were very angry with me for setting a boundary with my PD mother regarding her emotional abuse. For years I had tried to reason with my mom to get her to stop abusing me.  My mother's abuse of me just continued to escalate, and mom had no remorse. So about eight years ago I had to come to terms with the fact that mom didn't love me and she would never change so I reluctantly went NC with only my mom.  As a result of the smear campaign three of my siblings went NC with me and my sister and enabling father went very low contact with me.  Needless to say I was devastated for years.  It was only in the last couple of years that I was beginning to come to terms with it and starting to move on.

I was doing better and then things came to a head with my uNPD MIL this summer.  She blew up at us this summer when we set a boundary with her regarding her inappropriate behavior.  So tonight my husband's sister became enraged at me because I said I was sad that my siblings continue to give me the silent treatment even though I just had a major back surgery.  My SIL called me and raged at me for not having contact with my family. She doesn't realize I only went NC with my mom.  I lost the rest of my family as a result of setting boundaries with mom.  So basically my FOO, MIL, and SIL are enraged at me for setting emotionally healthy boundaries with all three of them. When my SIL became abusive of me on the phone tonight, I calmly explained that I was going to exit the phone conversation if she continued to treat me inappropriately.  She then raged some more at me an then she hung up on me.  My SIL then immediately sent me a nasty text to follow up the abusive phone call.  My SIL then made the mistake of sending a nasty text to my husband too.  Needless to say my husband is not pleased with his sister.  I felt terrible for my husband because he had to continue to face just how dysfunctional and abusive his family has been to each other over the years.  He was already making a great deal of progress in coming Out of the FOG about his family, but now my husband is completely Out of the FOG as of tonight.  My husband told me he wasn't completely surprised by this because he knew about his sisters vicious attack on his other brother the family scapegoat.  When I told my husband about what his sister did to me tonight he became very angry that she mistreated me.  My husband does recognize that his family will never change, and it is futile to try to get them to change. Tonight, my husband and I made the decision together to rise above their abusive behavior.  We decided not to respond to her angry text or try to reason with her about why the phone call was inappropriate.  It's not our job to change her.  I am far enough in my healing journey from my FOO that I understand that these attacks and rages are not about me.  It's about them and their brokenness. They are just projecting their rage on me because I have boundaries.  So my husband and I are decided to not respond to his sister or engage in any circular arguments.  Temporarily we decided to go NC with his sister and remove ourselves from an abusive situation. If she apologizes that is great, but we realize that she is probably not going to apologize.  If his sister shows no remorse, we will just continue NC and remove our self from the abusive situation.  Any more attacks by anyone in the family will be meet with silence by us.  We plan to continue to find joy and peace with our little family, and try to build upon the friendships we already have in the community. 

I think the thing that strikes me about this whole situation is two things.  One is that the parent who is a narcissistic creates a dysfunctional family system that influences everyone in the family.   Its not just the narcissist that is unhealthy.  Everyone in the family becomes unhealthy in different ways because they were taught dysfunctional ways of living as a child.  The family scapegoat or truth teller figures out this is unhealthy and is eventually is forced out of the family when they set boundaries.  This leads to the second thing I have learned from my FOO and also my husband's family.

The second thing I have learned is that the narcissistic parent and the other emotionally unhealthy family members become enraged by the scapegoat when they set emotionally healthy boundaries. The scapegoat takes back their power and people are enraged that you don't take the abuse anymore. Now that I have experience, I completely understand that healthy boundaries are good. I no longer have any guilt for doing what is emotionally healthy. Tonight my SIL snarled at me "what is a healthy boundary?" I knew that I could no longer teach or try to help people who don't want to learn or change, so I gently suggested that she google "emotionally healthy boundaries" and learn as much as she could on her own.  It's not my job to fix her or change her.  Only my SIL can do that for herself.

At any rate, I wish my SIL and my FOO well, because I have had enough therapy to realize this is not about me.  It is about my SIL and her own dysfunction, and I can't fix that.  She tried to tell me in her angry email that I was messed up, but I knew that was not true.  It was just projection on her part.  So I guess my question is has any one else out there realized that the bottom line is that narcissists can't stand it and they rage when you get stronger and set boundaries?  Has any one else experienced this or noticed this?

Here is an article I found on why narcissists don't like boundaries.  It was written by Jena Ryan.

http://self-love-u.blogspot.com/2016/05/20-reasons-why-narcissists-dont-like.html

[EternalHippo]

I appreciate you sharing and expressing what you have discovered.  I am currently navigating these types of boundaries too and have not found my way to the other side yet either.  I found myself yesterday feeling a lot of guilt over boundaries I've set with my ILs when I realized how much of a burden they are putting on my DH.  I take courage from what you noticed about the power of these boundaries.  I wish you swift healing from your surgery.

[overitall]

I'm sorry you are going through this, especially right after back surgery  

My FOO is completely dysfunctional too; my uBPDm and uNPDf had (I say had because I have been NC almost 10 years now) no boundaries.  I think I was born the SG...I could never do anything right, contrary to the fact that I am the most most educated and successful child in the family.  When I left home at 17, the abuse really ramped up.  My uBPDm was so, so angry that I "escaped" her control and she began a decades-long smear campaign against me. 
Sadly, I thought when I had children that I would be recognized as an adult...not to happen in my FOO...we were all to act as if uBPDm was the "queen" despite the fact that she was/is a vicious abuser of any and everyone (except GCsis)  In my FOO there were two completely separate situations growing up...the experience of GCsis, wherein she could not do anything wrong...she was perfect, adored, coddled, complimented, etc.  The other situation was the other children, wherein we were criticized, blamed, shamed, denied, ignored, and if we didn't comply to all of the Queen's demand, we were shunned.
As we all became adults the behavior actually became worse....uNPDf wanted to make each and every family event about HIM...how wonderful he was (he wasn't); what a great parent he was (he wasn't) what a great grandparent he was (he wasn't)  My uBPDm "rewrote" history and talked incessantly about what a great loving mother she was (are you kidding?)  When she started pitting the grandkids against each other, the mask started to slip   

I couldn't recognize it then, but now it is as clear as a bell...Of course, GCsis' kids were PERFECT and my kids had each and every flaw known to man.  No one could top GCsis' kids...they were WONDERFUL...uBPDm took GCsis and her kids on trips all of the world (all financed by uBPDm) and she brought home $5 trinkets for my kids...when my kids weren't too thrilled with their $5 trinkets, she called them ungrateful brats...The blatant favoritism and comparisons were too much for my kids...There is no relationship with the cousins...nothing, whatsoever, and it has been that way for over 10 years...All of the grandkids are adults now and have nothing to do with each other.

My parents are old and alone, except for GCsis and her kids who are patiently waiting for them to die to receive their payout ($$$)  Parents have accumulated a great deal of wealth and they want it...If you were to ask GCsis about her childhood she would tell you how wonderful and loving it was..and for her, I guess it was...She is on her own island...she lives in her own world and has one friend to her name...my uBPDm ruined her.  I don't think she is BPD, but she was coddled and told how wonderful she is, that she believes it....she has almost zero "social read" of other people and has almost zero empathy for anyone..I don't know how to explain it, except that she acts like a spoiled three year old.

GCsis will go out of her way to smear me to others...she doesn't know any other way...she is as sick as the environment she was raised in...she chose to stay entrenched in the FOO roles and she will never change.

Luckily for you, your husband gets it....it is very difficult for people to recognize the dysfunction in their FOO...those that do generally escape and go NC...If you do stay engaged you are the target for abuse....Stay strong with your boundaries and keep your family and kids safe...

[gettingstronger1]

EternalHippo and overitall,

Thank you for your response to my post.  I am sorry that you are dealing with the same type of things.  It is just interesting to me that many personality disordered people respond in similar ways. There is frequently rage over setting reasonable boundaries and or making the reasonable request of "be kind."  You just can't reason with unreasonable people.

[gettingstronger1]

So tonight my husband's sister became enraged at me because I said I was sad that my siblings continue to give me the silent treatment even though I just had a major back surgery.  My SIL called me and raged at me for not having contact with my family.

My husband didn't sleep well last night because he felt angry at the way his sister had yelled at me when I was two days post back surgery.  My husband and I have been feeling confused as to why his sister would, unprovoked by me, just call me up and start yelling at me regarding something that had happened with my family eight years ago and had nothing to do with her.  His sister had also been supportive of me in the past regarding my decision to set a boundary with my emotionally abusive mother.  So his sister's yelling at me out of the blue about my family made no sense.  My husband told me this morning he suspected that it was highly likely that his mom had told his sister about the boundary we set with his mom over the summer.  His mother had already played the victim and destroyed my good relationship with my father in law.  It now appears that his mother is hell bent on destroying our relationship with the rest of the family since his sister called me in a rage.  We don't know for sure if his mom smeared us to his sister, but it would make more sense as to why his sister called me out of the blue and raged at me for setting boundaries.  Since we aren't exactly sure what is going on and we don't have hard facts we are just continuing to maintain silence.  We are just trying to stay out of any drama that they are creating.  Both his mother and sister are now blocked on my phone. I have no desire to be raged at again.   

[Between2rocks]

Gettingstronger1,

It sounds like you've had a looooong and painful journey with both of these families and it's wonderful that you've been able to come this far. It's sad that this apparently unprovoked attack has upset both of you so much, but there is some hope in that it may have fully woken your husband up. I hope that you can find some comfort in that; perhaps only good things will follow as your break off contact further.

I did want to share that one time my FIL attacked my husband in a similar way, and maybe it can give you some insight. I don't believe he has a PD, but he is fully enmeshed and enabling of NMIL. Usually he just stays out of her attacks, which has caused my husband pain as well from his not standing up for him, but the point is that he's usually not the one doing this to us. We had an incident where we decided not to go to our 6 year old niece's dance recital - cancelling plans, driving a half hour away, paying $20 per person to sit in a 4 hour recital, to see our own niece dance for approximately 4 minutes? No thank you. We said our dog had a vet appointment (which he did) and that we wouldn't be coming. FIL called husband to rage at him, say he cares more about our dog than his own family, etc. etc. It was completely out of character, and more baffling than hurtful, although obviously it made my husband very sad and caused a big conflict.

It's still kind of unclear why he chose this particular issue to support the attacks of MIL and SIL - perhaps MIL was upset that he never supports her rage at us, and he thought this might be his opportunity? I wonder if your SIL had a similar provocation from MIL, and decided that this was the time she'd let it all out and prove herself to MIL that she was on her side?

Hoping swift healing for you, and hope you know that you have friends around the country that are wishing you well!!