realising their help was just damage control

[eternallystuck]

I am coming to the blunt but clarifying realisation that most of my mothers 'help' was actually just damage control from the destruction she had caused...as in she falsely got praise she did not deserve. Because if I trip you over and offer you a hand, that isn't help because I put you in that situation & am only stretching out my hand to make myself look good, and you look weak. If I had not tripped you up, you'd be further along by now.

Obv when you wear someone down over a matter of time, meddling with their relationships to other foo so they have no1 to turn to, threatening x y z (usually roof over their head fucking up their priorities/progress) & constantly having fits of rage projecting on them & putting them down so they feel terrorised & on edge....eventually that person is going to become very ill, weak enough to just sort of lose grip of life & become suicidal....

It is only when you are on your last legs, have completely become dead behind the eyes & almost unable to look after yourself or find a reason to....the NPD sweeps in as the HERO to save the day! Aw poor thing they must be 'unwell' they tell to your other equally self absorbed & triangulating foo who are more interested revelling in the drama than actually realising you're dying inside...its those mental health probs nothing to do with me, THAT's why she is SO angry at me, looking for someone to blame. This vulnerable weak ill person NEEDS me to do things for them because I am such a good person, aren't you grateful for me??? You'd be nothing without me, would you? *que abuse, relaying every slip up you've had and belittling treatment just to rub salt in*

For this reason I am discrediting most the 'help' my mother has given me in my head that I previously used to praise her for due to FOG...because it has always come as a result of me becoming incredibly depressed and withdrawn due to my exhausting battles with narc M/ foo....and oh hasn't she made me aware of it...that it was always conditional. I refuse to see her as special for wiping my nappies etc as a child because that's expected when you have a child..and I feel the less society makes parents feel like a special snowflake for doing basic minimum normal parent things for the child they chose to bring into this world, the better. Keeping you baseline alive/a roof over your head should not get a pat on the back...its hardly an achievement PD's managed to bring up some miserable & depressed children in a highly dysfunctional environment who end up in lifelong therapy yet they get praise /sympathy for their 'burdens' none the less and told any issues with their child is their childs fault. They got told they did their best and the offspring is ungrateful/to blame LMAO.  But at least they're alive tho-[/i] yeah you don't feel it when depressed, you actually want to escape. Society as a whole hails parents as the ultimate voice of authority- no matter who the parent is. For this reason most abuse goes hidden, cos unless you have two blatant black eyes from them & can prove it...no one really takes you seriously. Its actually ridic to let kids tolerate highly disordered foo members with complex personality disorders they aren't capable of unpicking at that age, they are practically left to fend /adult for themselves and guarenteed to come out damaged/run into more trouble...now working through that when you're at an age your brain is still devloping IS IMPRESSIVE.

[SunnyMeadow]

For this reason I am discrediting most the 'help' my mother has given me in my head

Your entire post spoke to me. I won't give examples but I have been feeling many of the same things and have been minimizing my thoughts of What A Great Mother she is. That was programmed into me but it isn't the truth. I appreciate your well written post.

[Psuedonym]

I like to call it Psychological Munchausen by Proxy.  Step 1) raised child who somehow *shrugs* is full of self loathing, depression, anxiety, insecurity, Step 2) deny having anything to with having created Step 1), Step 3) congratulate self on one's compassion by offering *sympathy* while continuing to add to the list of things they *owe* you for.

[argh]

"I spent hours listening to you talking about you didn't like yourself when you were younger" - my mother (before NC) would mention all the time. As a point about how amazing she was. Without even asking why was my child sooooooo unhappy al the time when she was younger.

Awful people.

[Duck]

I am right with you. I hate how parents demand veneration for having a child. Getting pregnant is not an accomplishment. 

[eternallystuck]

Psuedonym - you totally summed up that up for me.

I constantly see evidence my narc M suffers from Munchausen syndrome- parental denial- she has an excuse for all her offsprings issues- she will go right down that rabbit hole to find a convenient DIY health 'diagnosis' for us & avoid looking at the impact she's had on our own mental health.

What I find super interesting is I suffered terribly with asthma as a child but when I grew up & got a voice & finally got off the medication I was forced on- my breathing problems slowly went away. I have not suffered with attacks in years now & even when I became dependent on cigarettes in my teens - I still suffered LESS breathing issues than when I did as a nonsmoker as a child (luckily I stopped smoking some years ago- funnily enough when I got away from foo).

I use to get terribly winded/anxiety & I really think that's where my issues came from- the emotional terror from my M..because I couldn't put a foot wrong & I would end up in awful exhausting hysterical crying states where I would be breathing through my anger. I couldn't even be a child & make child-like mistakes whilst learning life without her screeching at me & putting me on edge, like I was stupid little adult. I think she sees you as a failure, & making her look bad if you don't turn into an instant mini me straight away.

Even more interesting: I came across some articles on Adverse Childhood Experiences & they seem to show some strong links between family conflicts/abuse and developing asthma symptoms. https://acestoohigh.com/2013/08/07/terrifying-children-into-a-life-of-asthma/ ....it really BLEW my mind.

It makes sense anxiety in your childhood would lead to shortness of breath & would overwhelm your bodies stress responses

Funnily enough my M is now claiming my youngest sibling has asthma too along with 'ADHD' despite him showing ZERO signs of ADHD...well I feel sort of powerless. Although she is very careful to not treat him like he she did me, in front of me, I still catch her treating him like an obedient robot at times and 'disciplining' him when he's just playing about innocently & being a child (she cannot stand that childlike giddy carefree spark in people).

I would not be surprised if he is suffering the same. Its difficult for me because she keeps him attached to his hip & grooms him to be hostile to me.....and I feel sick to my stomach that he's going to get what I did. He is definitely the new GC & its like watching what she did to me & my sister as kids in real time, with an adult understanding. My worst abuse from my mother came in my teens when I got a voice/starting standing up for myself & I don't think I could stand watching him go through that, knowing how low I have got from it all. I don't know if I'd be up to the task of reporting her to authorities. I feel quite helpless at times, knowing what a spiteful, conniving , raging narc she is. I guess I will have to face that tune when the time comes.