Photos - toss or not toss?

Spring Butterfly · November 08, 2019, 02:13:01 PM

Some years back after tidying up with joy I picked through family photos and thought I was done. Recently I located a box of photos that are triggering me terrible but I'm torn about tossing them.

These photos clearly show the many moods and sour faces of one or both parents at different fun family events. I hate them all and yet they are proof to me it wasn't my imagination, there it is so clear.

If I toss them, any "evidence" of my bad memories is gone for good. If I keep them they are there in my space, in my head, even if I tuck the box away my brain knows of their presence. Looming.

If I keep them, to what end? Are not my memories mine to have even without photo evidence? Who would I show them to and would they even see it the same way I feel it?

Please don't suggest tucking them away sealed without looking. Not an option for me, they're either in my space or not at this point. There is no one to pass them into either.

Will I someday regret not having tangible proof I'm not imagining it and does it really matter since I have a right to my memories regardless?

Penny Lane · November 08, 2019, 02:36:46 PM

Would digitizing them be an option? There would still be the psychological problem of knowing they're there. But at least it would solve the problem of them being in your physical space while still allowing you to refer back to them if you start doubting yourself.

Associate of Daniel · November 08, 2019, 02:40:08 PM

I'm sorry.

If you had children I'd suggest keeping a handful of the photos for them.

Can you scan them and put them on a disc, then throw out the originals?

Would it be helpful to keep just a few to use as a "test" from time to time to gauge your healing progress?

I don't mean an annual, intentional test. Rather a thing where you come across them every now and then in the process of something else and think "Oh yeah."

I'm guessing that Marie Kondo officionados would say that if they don't bring joy, you should discard them. But I wonder if the fact that you are doubtful might mean you should keep them (or some of them) for a while longer, until you can throw them out without guilt or doubt.

This might seem strange to ask, but are any of your family members famous or do they belong to any society that might appreciate the photos?

Could you just give them to the relatives?

AOD

Andeza · November 08, 2019, 03:06:38 PM

Maybe I could suggest something a little different? If the photos are of no value to anyone, and no one else wants them, could you go through them, recognize out loud to yourself what negative emotion was being expressed by your parents in each one, and then by recognizing it and validating your memory and how it made you feel and still makes you feel, you might be able to let them go...

Whether that's the trash, the fireplace, or otherwise. If there are any photos that are happy, you could then consider whether or not you want to keep them, but I feel keeping the negativity around, even in a box, would bother you and your peace of mind over time.

Just an idea, I understand how hard photos can be. Pictures of myself growing up... The smile just feels so fake now. Best wishes whatever you decide.

1footouttadefog · November 08, 2019, 03:24:38 PM

Keep them if they bring you Joy. You don't need to prove what you know to be true.

If someone else you choose to share your reality with should not be demanding proof. If they do, you know alot about how close to them you should not get.

GettingOOTF · November 08, 2019, 03:55:21 PM

I tossed. I haven't had any regrets. I am really coming to see how important it is for me and my healing not to have reminders of who I was and what happened.

I had everything boxed up and out of sight. I didn't realize how much of a drag it was on my energy and mood until it was gone.

Who knows how I will feel in 10 years but people lose stuff to theft, floods etc. all the time and they survive.

practical · November 08, 2019, 03:58:50 PM

Whom would you need to proof anything too? Yourself? Are you worried you'll forget one day how bad it was? I tossed several boxes of notes from phone conversations, letters, diaries this spring and it was a real relief to no longer have them in the basement. Maybe there are episodes I'm forgetting or are getting buried, which is fine by me, but the overall feeling is still there when it comes to my parents and certain episodes are frozen in my mind with words, pictures - I wish I could forget them, or toss them out like the boxes of stuff. So my thoughts would be toss them, because why have triggers in your house?

theonetoblame · November 08, 2019, 05:12:06 PM

I didn't toss them. Instead, I went through the old photo albums and pulled out pictures that reminded me of the good times and which were congruent with my memory of my life. There are still a couple pics of my family, but not a lot. The ones I kept were usually pictures that also had me in them doing something that I remember fondly.

No all my childhood memories are bad. I chose to keep the good ones and to reformat them into a different type of story than the albums my parents had put together of my childhood. I initially thought I would toss the old albums, but I ended up keeping these old tattered books. They sit on a shelf but the only album I ever look through now, or share with others, is the one I created.

I have a bunch of print photos from the 90's but when I look through them there really aren't many of my family. I had taken a few photography classes in college and most of the images I took were of abstract things and social settings. It would seem I had already changed my focus. from 2000 onward everything is digital and again, about my life not theirs. I have a giant cloud 'vault' of old digital pics that I may one day go through, but they aren't in my space so I don't think about them.

Spring Butterfly · November 08, 2019, 08:23:24 PM

Based on symptoms alone and not knowing anything of my history a doctor recently suggested he suspects there's some sort of trauma locked within my body fighting for release.

The idea of making a huge burn pile of my entire childhood photos and memorabilia is appealing. When I did my tidy up some years back shredding every financial and health document older than 7 years was scary but at the same time the tremendous weight having that out of my space was amazing. While I can't erase my childhood from existence it just feels like it would be tremendously therapeutic but at the same time irreparable, no turning back but maybe that "no turning back" is exactly what I need to release this trauma.

So it's of course nothing I should do hastily and the reason I posted here to tap into the wise experience and get some balance and perspective.

Practical "worried you'll forget one day how bad it was" yes proof for myself, that was one of the triggers, wondering to myself was it really that bad is there nothing good, no happy memory at all?

Of course nothing is ever black and white, all good or all bad.

theonetoblame, the idea of looking through, finding my own happy memories, photos that do bring me joy or at least don't bring me pain and creating my own memory book appeals to me. Like a way to hold onto the food and release all the pain and trauma.

Andeza I like the idea of verbal acknowledgement.

Penny, and you dated digital and just don't think that's the way to go because exactly like you said it's still there.

AOD the idea of keeping a few of the best might be a good thing.

all4peace · November 08, 2019, 10:33:42 PM

Would you consider handing it all over to a sibling? That way it's totally out of your space, but not destroyed. I can very much understand the sensation of wondering what else is locked inside your body, pre-memory, and how cleansing it could be to burn it all.

theonetoblame · November 09, 2019, 12:13:56 AM

I've also burned things, it did help. Leaving things behind was also helpful i.e. not moving them or choosing to turn down offers of memorabilia or other personal items left behind from deceased relatives. I don't have a single 'keepsake' or inter-generational 'hand me down' item.

Fightsong · November 09, 2019, 09:25:48 AM

Hello SB, it's been a while since I posted here. I've popped back recently. what you have posted here resonates strongly with me.

I have agonised long and hard about this need for 'proof' or 'evidence', I longed for it, needed it, held onto it as a precious validation that I was not 'making it all up'. And why? Because of the program of course, I couldn't trust my own instincts, memories, body or knowledge. The fear that, yet again , I'd be told I was wrong, making it all up and it wasn't that bad. I needed both external validation and through it also to come to fully accept myself that it happened. The fear was in fact that without 'proof' I couldn't trust myself.

Over time (slowly) I have less need for external validation as my trust in my self has grown. But I think that external validation was necessary to help grow that.

So your photos, they are triggering you hard by the sounds of it. So maybe they are tapping into part of the puzzle that isn't yet quite in place? Part that still needs you to see it, hear it and claim it back? Or to do so again.

I believe that one day we may not need the 'proof', but for now, maybe you do? I still do on some level too. In retrospect I think that once I've been ready to let the proof go, it's felt okay, even necessary to do so. But before then it was agony. (which feels like where you are) But that was really about what it was proof of, and getting to a new level of acceptance of that. Do you follow?

Over the years your posts and responses have truly accompanied me on my own road. I thank you.

Spring Butterfly · November 09, 2019, 10:28:10 PM

All4Peace siblings don't want what uPDm and enF I've tried to pass on to them so I wouldn't even bother since everything I have is duplicate of what they've refused themselves otherwise yes that would have been a good idea.

Fightsong, yes exactly
"The fear was in fact that without 'proof' I couldn't trust myself."

You nailed this one too
"So maybe they are tapping into part of the puzzle that isn't yet quite in place?"
As soon as I read those words moments later it clicked. Suddenly it's clear - all my life I believed a particular event was the catalyst that pushed uPDm into a downward spiral from that point forward. As soon as I read your words it clicked, the pictures clearly indicate trouble (datk mood and unhappiness clearly visible) yet these were before that event. Clearly my trauma started earlier than I had previously thought.

In fact as I write this more is clocking into place. Thank you!

Spring Butterfly · November 10, 2019, 08:47:05 AM

So the most traumatic few are destroyed and I'm quickly sorting through making three piles - destroy / lock / keep and will be locking away in a sealed envelope those that don't bring me joy but I don't wish to see anytime soon.

Any that are truly traumatic, that I'd never wish to see again are being destroyed and hopefully praying the visual memory of seeing them fades quickly.

Andeza · November 10, 2019, 11:16:47 PM

Wishing you the best, definitely not a fun way to spend a day.

theonetoblame · November 11, 2019, 02:59:04 PM

Quote from: Spring Butterfly on November 10, 2019, 08:47:05 AM
So the most traumatic few are destroyed and I'm quickly sorting through making three piles - destroy / lock / keep and will be locking away in a sealed envelope those that don't bring me joy but I don't wish to see anytime soon.

Any that are truly traumatic, that I'd never wish to see again are being destroyed and hopefully praying the visual memory of seeing them fades quickly.

Congratulations on the courage it takes to work through this process!!! This too will pass and hopefully you'll be more in control of the narrative of your life.

I took a counseling class at University once, the prof provided a very interesting interpretation of how we construct our life narratives. It went something like this: We all have 2 stories we tell ourselves and others. One is a dark side version, the version that holds all the historical trauma we endured and the mistakes we have made in life. The other is a light side version, this narrative includes our strengths and successes in life and the positive memories of his childhood that occurred with or without or FOO.

The album I created was very intentionally the Light Side version of my life. I also have a Light Side version of the story I tell myself when I look through it that is reinforced when I share this Light Side version with others.

Fly to the light Spring Butterfly!! Just not too close

Spring Butterfly · November 11, 2019, 03:52:29 PM

QuoteFly to the light Spring Butterfly!! Just not too close

Precious, thank you. And very good idea on the light side version.

Spring Butterfly · November 14, 2019, 07:17:55 AM

The thing that helped my sorting most was naming the emotion I felt on seeing the photo. No thinking, just an immediate naming the emotion.

Sad. Mad. Glad. Scared. Some pics were neutral, no particular emotion.

Sorted through real quick. All mad and scared pics shredded. Sad pics boxed up and will be taped shut.

Happy pics are very few except for when I left to live my life on my own, my life began really. That's my story that I will write. One box for my early life of neutral and happy pics and one box for my adult life which are all happy.

My life sorted into 2 boxes.

Hopefully this helps someone else struggling with photos and memorabilia.

1footouttadefog · November 17, 2019, 07:32:51 PM

The way I see it, is that any bad memories that I forget, make room for positive memories to be stored.

The more bad I leave behind for good then the sum total will be healthier and more joyful and will remember and ruminate on good memories and experiences and ideas and dreams.

Why would I want bad memories reinstalled Everytime I see pictures if they are no longer in my mind.