"Look at the baby!" -- a healing metaphor

[Starboard Song]

When my DS was an infant, we had the usual sleepless nights occasionally. One gave rise to an important life lesson that helps me today.

He was congested and upset, and crying in the dark. I was holding him at the foot of the bed, trying to comfort him until he could sleep again. Nothing worked. And it was away, deep in the night, and my workday was coming and I was exhausted. I was getting angry and frustrated. I wouldn't have shaken or injured him, but I was starting to lose it: my wife and I were both tense and stressed and losing our patience with the universe. And then it happened.

We needed light for some reason or other -- all this struggle for peace was happening in a blacked out room. My wife turned on a light in the bathroom, and a ray stretched across my little son's face. I could see him. He was crying. He was hurting. He was uncomfortable: maybe tired like us. And in a matter of seconds, truly, all those parental hormones washed over us. We were floating on love for this screaming infant. We were patient and kind, and could gladly stay awake all night long if it would help him.

We learned an important lesson that night. Holding a baby alone creates a surge of hormones. Seeing that little face produced more. Ever since then, when we find ourselves stressed out at DS17, or some colleague, or a friend's hapless blundering through a divorce, one of us will stop the other and say "look at the baby." It means: pause, change the lighting, see the humanity in this situation and appreciate it. Be sympathetic.

"Look at the baby" does me no good with my in-laws. We are 4 years NC and I guess I don't suspect I can change that. It doesn't mean that all adults are as sympathetic and as innocent and as harmless as a baby: please don't misunderstand.

But for those of you who are committed to working on it; those who attempt to run medium chill, or LC; those who are compelled by circumstance into contact, for co-parenting or elder care; for all y'all. Consider the power of stopping and saying it: "look at the baby."

Remember we are none of us the villains in our own stories. Unless we choose the path of NC, or otherwise disengage for our own health or protection, acknowledging in a powerful way the real human frailty of others can remind us that "love thy neighbor" is no easy or empty command, and universal compassion takes a life-time to master.

[all4peace]

This is beautiful, SS. I have often appreciated your reminders to value another's humanity. I have often struggled with becoming a person who labels and puts people in boxes, something that has never set right with me. And yet I couldn't figure out how to have self-protection and boundaries. For those of us raised by likely PD folks, it can be difficult at times to find the middle ground.

I had an interaction with uNBPDmil recently. It was in public, DD was at my side, DH was completely ignored. uNBPDmil was behaving as she usually does, and yet I could see her humanity. I didn't feel angry, disgusted, afraid, or grieved. She was simply her, being her, and I think that being her is very difficult. Being in relationship with her is also very difficult. But she is not evil. She is just broken, like we all are, maybe in a different way or to a different degree. And she STILL is not invited into our home (yet) but I can feel compassion for her. She still is unable to be even slightly healthy towards our DD, but even DD is able to be kind and boundaried with her.

I love what you share here. And I can state from experience that for the period of time in which I lost sight of another's humanity, I was in a very, very dark place myself.

[Spygirl]

 

Starboard song,

this is exactly the way to acceptence, forgiveness, towards the pd. It also opens the door to your own autonomy without guilt or shame. So awesome.

[waverider]

Thank you all for sharing. This topic reminds me of what we've all heard many times, in one phrasing or another, its deeper meaning is the same. Forgiveness is for me and my own healing and sanity, it does not condone actions or behavior or require acknowledgment from that which we put forth the work to 'forgive', whether person, circumstance or most often, both. It anoints the wound in our soul that with its cleansing effects can begin to heal. There are really not any rules or rightness of time or process, except for the first step of seeking to 'want to forgive'... admitting it... stating it... even if we cannot feel or believe it yet. Moving forward in a positive way, even a millimeter at a time is still progress. Sometimes that is all we can do. Being here, reading this, seeking support and giving it, is a good step. Applaud every one you take. I applaud you all.

[practical]

Beautiful, and helpful way beyond dealing with PD's. I would also suggest using it when losing patience with ourselves, beating ourselves up for whatever reason, it might reground us, help us to be softer, more loving towards ourselves (and it doesn't have to be part of inner child work but could be).

[Spring Butterfly]

Beautiful, thank you.

[1footouttadefog]

Just remember to look in the mirror while you look at the baby occasionally. 

This important reminder to see the humanity in the situation and apply empathy and compassion can be an issue for people prone to codependency. 

[Starboard Song]