C-PTSD

[DistanceNotDefense]

I just received "The Body Keeps The Score" in the mail today, by Besser Van Der Kolk, M.D. Great book so far and extremely enlightening about both PTSD/C-PTSD. Thought I would recommend it here.

[IRedW77]

Thank you all so much for the warm and constructive support. I wanted to respond more individually, but I've kind of figured some stuff out through the course of today, and that's been filling up my head space.

I'll just relay my thoughts and conclusions from today. I'm sorry this is a long post.

So, yesterday my T was going through some PTSD diagnostics as I said. I think that the way that the diagnostics criteria in the DSM are set up is just not designed for cumulative trauma.

In having him do the diagnostics I had to play the pick the worst of the traumatic events you remember and answer based on that game. The ISD specifies event or events under C and PTSD. It also does still require meeting the diagnostic criteria for PTSD though.

In any event, I think that if I can help him understand the different type(s) of trauma involved then everything else will make sense.

This is because I've figured out how I actually do meet the criteria for PTSD.

The hang-ups during our conversation seemed to be around hyper-vigilance and flashbacks.

As far as hyper-vigilance you can just ask my wife. I drive her absolutely nuts. Any time she raises her voice when we're talking I tell her to stop yelling. She's ALWAYS telling me "I'm not yelling." Of course sometimes she's just wrong about that, but usually she's not. I'm constantly on guard against anyone getting angry at me.

It's more pronounced with my wife than anyone because that more closely resembles the original trauma. We've had lots of talk in threads here about how that works I think.

If she yells unexpectedly or is angry about something I don't realize I did I lose my proverbial sh**. I go straight into fight and am yelling back before I've even registered what's happening. I think I'm "fight-fawn" if we want to do this with Pete Walker's book.

The flashbacks piece was much more confusing until today. I've read about emotional flashbacks and I get those. I have the nebulous early childhood ones where the darkness and self-punishment steps in sometimes out of nowhere, but usually as the fawn stage of the f-f type I referenced above.

I may have to educate my T on emotional flashbacks as well, but...

Apparently (or at least I'm pretty sure now) I have the more traditional kind as well. Ramping up and digging into all the stuff has loudly awakened them, but they've been more subtly there forever I think.

I've just been looking for the Hollywood style transported to the battlefield and lose where you are kind. That has to be the extreme.

A week ago I woke up in the middle of the night and started remembering details or aspects of upsetting events from childhood. It's not like I was uncovering things I didn't remember as much as being reminded of things I hadn't been thinking about.

I though I was awake and kind of just thinking about what I could remember because I couldn't get back to sleep. My Fitbit said I was mostly asleep during that time when I checked the next day.

I discovered I actually did remember my BPDm drinking when I was a little kid. I think she quit drinking at some point, so I have her narrative of "I don't drink" in my head confusing me as well. She also "doesn't believe in spanking" so I wasn't spanked, except if I stop and think I remember the handful of times I was.

I also remembered watching UFO's flying over the house. I do remember that. It was low flying planes. I even brought my dad one night to see them with me so he can verify the details better. I remember it as a silly anecdote, but it actually wasn't.

BPD mom had me convinced they were really UFO's. I got to relive that experience in my semi dream state. Then I woke up and found myself staring at the bedroom wall still feeling the terror of watching UFO's overhead. I'm getting chills writing this.

I think that was a flashback. Like a pretty classic one.

My mom had an occult phase. I used to have all this knowledge about ghosts and alien abductions and astrology and crystals.

To this day if I pick up a book of true ghost stories (I grabbed one about a year ago in a bookstore) I get chills and have to put it down. In my 20's my GF liked to read that stuff and had a bunch of those books. Once in while she'd tell me something from one and it'd take me hours to calm down again.

I remember that I was reading all about all this stuff during BPDm's occult phase. Except I wasn't a kid that read books. I definitely wasn't reading them at that age.   AND I still can't even read ghost books as an adult. BPDm was reading all this stuff (that terrified me) and telling me all about it.

So... last night I had this dream. I dreamt that I was swimming and being chased by something that was right at my feet. This is hard to explain, but the me in the dream knew it was a dream.

That me could remember that it was a recurring nightmare—except for regular me it isn't. I've never had that dream before as far as I know. That me also had a bunch of other memories I don't have.

This is weird, but at that point I realized that I was me and in my bed dreaming. I could sort of root around in dream me's memory even though I was theoretically kind of awake. I couldn't really pull anything out that real me could access, but I could make dream me remember it for dream me.

Then I kind of transitioned to floating around in childhood memories that I do remember. I inhabited random memories tied to places with water, but I didn't really understand why. Then it started to come together. I still felt like I was half asleep and half awake.

I was terrified of the water when I was a kid. We went to the beach all the time and I played in the waves, but I was always scared. I didn't learn to swim until I was about 12 because I was scared of the water. I had completely forgotten that I used to be scared of the water. I got to inhabit some of these memories and relive that fear I'd forgotten.  Not great...

Then I transitioned to the fear of the dark I had as a kid (that I remember). I also moved into remembering having nightmares as a kid. I'd be too scared to get out of bed, but too scared not to. I remembered the slow agony of getting down that hall to my parents bedroom and getting my dad to save me—always my dad (so after age 5 my savior was gone). I got to feel that fear too. I'd forgotten it almost completely.

Then I woke up for real, because my son woke up screaming from his own nightmare. I was scared to get up, but knew I had to. As soon as I stood up I was hit with my childhood fear of the dark and the terror of getting down the hall after a nightmare. I felt everything I felt as a child.
Not good...

After I got my son settled I had to go to the bathroom. I was still not ok. I turned on the lights and did what I've done as long as I can remember—keep one eye closed and one open to keep half my night vision. Before I left the bathroom I remembered that when I was 3 or 4 my dad taught me to do that when I was coming down the hall after a nightmare!

On the walk back to the bed I opened both eyes. I saw like I saw after the lights went back off after my nightmares. I get it—I was in my bedroom, but I was also kind of in the hallway in my childhood house. All the sensations and feelings belonged to my childhood, but what I was seeing was still my bedroom.

I'm going to go ahead and say that was a flashback. I'm also going to hope I don't experience a repeat any time soon.

Here's what's interesting:

As an adult I'm not scared of the dark or UFO's or aliens or ghosts. They can make me uncomfortable if I get too close, but it's NOTHING like that childhood fear.

However, I've had those childhood fears creep up on me before. If I'm completely alone in a house at night, or when I'm the only adult I start to get scared of ghosts, and the dark, and aliens. I HAVE TO keep a TV on in any room I'm in to make that stop. That was my protection as a kid.

When I realize that's happening and have to turn the TV on I have to find something soothing to watch for an hour or so and then I'm fine as long as the TV stays on.

This isn't a situation that comes up very often. It's like once or twice a year in normal times.

I always thought that I just still had those fears—except I don't. I spend tons of time alone in the dark just fine. I pretty much never think about ghosts or aliens. It's childhood fear that I start having in those rare circumstances when I'm totally alone. That's a bit of a flashback as far as I'm concerned.

I think that in terms of trauma it boils down to no one ever made me feel safe as a kid. I had all these fears all the time that I never actually got over. As an adult I just managed to bury them all.

I had my dad, and he was solid and stable, but he went to bed at 6:30 or 7 every night and I'd be up till midnight. I'd sleep with the TV on at his house, and that was only ever 2 nights a week.

After last night I had anxiety all day. I told my wife about the dreams and everything and telling it was actually really emotional and I kept having to stop and regroup. I was surprised at that.

Sorry again this is a huge post. I just wanted to write this all out anyway so I don't forget anything, so I may as well share.

Thanks for reading 

[Phoenix Rising]

I just received "The Body Keeps The Score" in the mail today, by Besser Van Der Kolk, M.D. Great book so far and extremely enlightening about both PTSD/C-PTSD. Thought I would recommend it here.

Great recommendation  I've just started on this one this morning after finishing The Gift of Fear. I'm really curious on what Van Der Kolk's take is on this topic and how it may be similar or contrast to what I've already read. Glad that you brought this up here!


IRedW77, I can't speak for everyone but from what I've experienced and read from others, it's really common in this time to have much come to the surface and to have MANY thoughts about it. I hope that you are congratulating yourself on this and your ability to stop and regroup, those are huge strides.

Flashbacks can come in many forms and it can take time to know them. Lately I've realized that I have them more often than I thought. I know there might be a lot of information overload going on right now, but have you considered making notes about your flashbacks/times you notice hypervigilance or keeping a journal specific to that? It may be helpful to bring in when you go to your therapist?

[Phoenix Rising]

Here's a good link to information on Childhood Trauma - the ACES test. Adverse Childhood Experience.

I find this very valuable to understand how my childhood affects my life now.

https://www.ashlandmhrb.org/upload/documents/ace/finding_your_ace_score_1.pdf

Thanks for sharing this!

I read the PDF this morning and it validated some of the thoughts I've had about my upbringing lately and provided a concise way of having a conversation about it. There wasn't a legend of what the total score could measure or suggest so I googled to understand more about ACES.

I found there was also something called Resilience Questionnaire as well. Linking to both here if anyone else is curious about it: https://www.acesconnection.com/blog/got-your-ace-resilience-scores

[Hepatica]

I think that in terms of trauma it boils down to no one ever made me feel safe as a kid. I had all these fears all the time that I never actually got over. As an adult I just managed to bury them all.

Yes. Exactly this. This is the good stuff.

So when you have the feeling of hypervigilance now or those odd, anxious feelings, or that need to yell back (which was the thing that actually kept you feeling safe as a boy) you can stop and breathe deeply and re-connect to the younger part of you and do what you'd do with your own kids. Communicate care and safety to yourself. When you do this you rewire the brain which heals the unresolved trauma.

And there will be some grief too. It's ok. Be kind to yourself. You've been through a lot and now you're figuring it out. That's wonderful.

[1footouttadefog]

My spouse had ptsd (diagnosed) other diagnoses, and likely cptsd.

Quite a few years ago started having night mares and flashbacks then his anxiety levels started being real bad and irritability and bad mood  became a big problem
For him it seems it can work backwards.  The body chemistry can bring about the nightmares etc.  We discovered this when he had a reaction to a med and was placed on an aloha blocker for a short time.  It was amazing.  Then the med ran out.  Later He got a new prescriver and this came up and she prescribed that med.  She said its not uncommon for peoole to habe to steong a reaction to adrenalin and for it to cause nightmares and flashbacks etc. 

I only mention this because there is a chance of a medical condition being at play here.

It may be a good sign that you are processing some of these things in your dreams however.  Sometimes this indicates the subcincious is feeling safe enough to offload.

[SparkStillLit]

I had a trauma that was never properly processed, and YEARS and YEARS later I would have nightmares that were like flashbacks but worse, and I would wake up SCREAMING and be unable to orient or settle until dh turned on a bedside light. I then would have to sleep with light on. (These experiences are so extra fun with a PD for company, btw). I STILL sometimes do this, but it's very very rare now.
I don't think it's weird to have all this come up when you just buried it like that, and it just never ever got processed.