So I think I'll never see my grandfather again because of my abusive mother.

[yorkie]

I cut all contact with my abusive mother and her sister at the start of this year, got a solicitor to tell my mother to back off after she sent a threatening letter to me. She has stayed away, thankfully.

My grandfather sends a cheque for my birthdays and Christmases which is lovely of him and I write and thank him but feel I cannot visit him. He doesn't know my mother abused me or that her sister stands up for her and is abusive too. (Which, wow, imagine standing up for a person who abused your only niece, but there we go, loyalty, huh?)

This year he has written on the card which he sent along with a cheque - ''when will I see you?''

It's different this time though, I feel no guilt at not going and not explaining to him why I won't go. (I do not want a single thing about me passed on to my abusive mother or aunt, and I cannot risk bumping into them or they will certainly start a fight). I cannot trust that he will not invite them to be at his place if I ever went to visit him.

So I guess that's that. All I can do is accept the cheques and continue saying thank you and nothing else?

[JingleBells]

Hello,

Im sorry to hear about your problems. Everyone on Out of the FOG has some sort of family trauma so you are in the right place.

I was wondering- do you WANT to see your Grandfather? If you do maybe you could meet in a restaurant or something which is neutral and time limited. I am in a similar position. My nan is like a mother to me and i adore her but i cant drive due to medical reasons and as im currently estranged i wont ask my dad to give me a lift. My nan is very frail and can't walk well. Im planning to visit her before Christmas by train and taxi.

Wishing you well xx

[yorkie]

Thank you. Unfortunately my grandfather is 96 and can't get around very well, he has a bad knee, can't use stairs, etc. The problem also is that while it would be nice to see him, he is very much wrapped around both my aunt and mother's little fingers. My aunt provide quite a bit of care for him now, regular visits etc. It would be so very stressful if I ever had to see my aunt or mother ever again. I think I'm just going to have to accept I won't get to see him. I may be able to speak on the phone but I don't know what I'd say to him. I hate the idea of him telling anything about me to my aunt or mother.

[Ladymm]

I know old people sometimes feel stressed quickly, but I think they can also understand, in the long live they lived they saw many events, difficulties in relationships etc. I don't want to give you the wrong advice, but I sometimes believe old people are not as fragile as we think. Maybe your granfather understands something is not ok already.

If he doesn't live in the same house as your mother, you can visit him and explain him kindly that you ask him not to tell to your mom/aunt that you you visited. Say you want to be independent from them, or that you don't get along well and you don't want them to know your every step. If he lives in some facility, you can also say to the staff not to say to your mom/aunt that you visited. This seems hard to do maybe, but don't feel you are being over dramatical - this is your luck in this life (and mine is not much different) and this is what we need to do sometimes. Also, what could be the worst thing that could happen? That your aunt/mom will say some negative stuff? If they are true narcs even not much positive can be expected in any case.  Emotional abuse is a thing.

But of course - you are the ultimate judge in what to do. You know the mental/health state of your grandfather, and his personality. What I wrote above can't be always applied, but I just want to say also old people have personalities, wisdom, they observe. Oftentimes they are not as helpless as we portray them. Also, my therapist says that ultimately the relationship is always with the person - in this case with your grandfather and I know - your mom and aunt are heavy presences as I understand, but maybe you can somehow block them out in this case.

[Kiki81]

I'm my case, I sacrificed relationships with family members to ensure my NC with my parents. It hurt at first, but all the benefits of NC outweigh the temporary pain of the sacrifice.

My mom made sure all family relationships were brokered through her. No going around her.