N Sister’s Entitlement, Scapegoating, and Stealing my Peace!

[Transcendence]

I have lived in the same house with my adult UNsister and her UNspouse for 2 years.  It isn't their house, it is my father's but they have taken over most of the 4 floors.  I try to be gone as much as possible and dread encounters with her as she either tries to hook me in with fake caring (and sometimes I still fall for it) or she is a total bitch; condescending, projecting, diminishing, slandering, baiting, bullying, sarcastic and shaming.  Everyone else has fallen for her "show" and she has charmed them or slandered me so much that she has control of quite a bit in my family.

It was my birthday last month, and I was meeting a friend for an afternoon movie.  So I was going to take a bath and soak and then get ready.  Suddenly she wanted to take a shower at the same time and was really snotty!  So I stated that I was meeting a friend and she had a small tantrum (which just blows my ability to relax)!  She starts yelling that I don't usually bathe that early and all this weird stuff.  Of course she makes sure my dad can hear her and he always falls for her crap...as she is the spoiled baby golden child.  Then her dog tried to attack my dog and she was really defensive about that...making excuses.  And if my dog did anything like that...it would be huge violation.  (We are both adults over 40 years old!)

As you may know, there is no negotiating with narcissists.  I have tried off and on but it only leads to emotional blackmail and more betrayals.  I hate living in the same house with her...she and her husband have taken advantage of my dad for 10 years, but he has enabled it.  I by way of absolute necessity ended up here as a last resort and I will not have the means to get out anytime soon. I don't like confrontation and she is a bully and liar.  (BTW I am grateful for a place to live and stay in my room most of the time while they are around)

Several other later afternoons I was heading to the tub with my bag and she has yelled out, "Ohhh are you taking a bath RIGHT NOW???!!!"  There are 4 bathrooms in this house...she and her husband have 3 of them and one is my dad's.  She has a whole vanity set up in the one I use, plus another bathtub on her floor and complete bathroom.  So it is really hard for me to navigate her fing moodiness and her peace shattering bullshit.  I remain diplomatic and don't let her know how she upsets me, as she is capable of a lot of betrayal if she feels in any way slighted or if I reasonably stand up to her. 

So today, I was unable to take a bath at my usual time because someone else was in the tub so I had to leave sore and my hair was a mess so I wore a hat.  I got back later in the evening full of peace as I had gone hiking, and drew a bath.  Suddenly she is up on that floor using her loud condescending voice and was calling my name as an accusation.  In addition she is telling my dad that this is HER bath time before she goes to bed and SHE has to work tomorrow!  So the work part is what really gains my dad's vote.  So she is very accusatory, "YOU KNOW THIS IS MY TIME TO TAKE A BATH, BEFORE BED".  So I say, "I had no idea, I just got home."  "You KNOW this is ALWAYS MY Bath TIME!"  Me calmly even though inside I'm starting to feel screwed up: "Look, the bathtub is full of hot water...go ahead and take a bath...I will take one later."  Guess what?  That wasn't good enough.  She wanted to use the bathtub on the other floor, wait for the water to heat up, and remain indignant!  I laid in the bathtub and tried to relax my aching muscles...as I silently but vigorously flipped off the wall. 

I am always nice to her and her husband and they consistently leave a huge mess in the kitchen and I clean it.  Sometimes I have to, in order to be able to cook at night when they are in bed, and sometimes I do it to contribute and make myself useful.   I am a kind and generous person...and it is so hard being treated like this intermittently.  I know she slanders me and always has but I was living 2000 miles away.  I hate her sometimes....and that makes me feel bad...but she is so abusive and she gets away with it because she has charmed everyone.  Even a friend of mine who knows some of things she's done...falls for her love bombing and fake persona. It is so true when a narc doesn't need you anymore that they devalue you and discard you.  They continually exclude me but if I'm going to have a little time with my dad and she finds out about it...she seeks to sabotage it.  I have to worry about the smallest thing making her envious because she is so vengeful. I would have gone no contact years ago except it was impossible to do so without losing the rest of my family members as well.  I do not have a family of my own...I don't have a boyfriend even and right now I am dependent on living here.

From what I read on these forums it sounds like it is a lot easier to go no contact if you have your own supportive family separate from the FOO.  Or at least have the ability to support yourself with a decent job and can live far away...

[Spring Butterfly]

That's so much to be dealing with and living in a PD environment is difficult but not impossible. The Toolbox has lots of tips like Medium Chill to help manage contact. There are some here in a similar situation living with the PD persons. Some have found it helpful to build their own separate life as much as possible, get out and meet others, take classes and look for free events around your local area. Just building a separate life is huge and some other ideas are in the Working on Yourself toolbox topic because it helps take the focus off others and puts it where it belongs - on your own wellbeing. Another thing that makes it easier is creating a safe and private space. Is there a way to get one of the many bathrooms designated as your own even if it's not the one most convenient one to get to? Is your dad willing to share his? What is it with PD and bathrooms? I went through this when vacationing with the PDs in my life and learned quickly to work around it taking a quick shower when they were out of the house or were doing other activities elsewhere in the house. The bathroom was off their bedroom so absolute control. I also learned to take a good wash in the bar sink in the basement and thankfully it was a temporary situation but seriously I did what I needed to survive.

[coyote]

Can't really add to Spring's sage words of wisdom. Just wanted to reiterate you are not alone in this situation. I know that does not alleviate the situation but it can be a comfort to know we are not the Lone Ranger out here. Wishing you peace and strength to get through this part of your journey.

[Transcendence]

That's so much to be dealing with and living in a PD environment is difficult but not impossible. The Toolbox has lots of tips like Medium Chill to help manage contact. There are some here in a similar situation living with the PD persons. Some have found it helpful to build their own separate life as much as possible, get out and meet others, take classes and look for free events around your local area. Just building a separate life is huge and some other ideas are in the Working on Yourself toolbox topic because it helps take the focus off others and puts it where it belongs - on your own wellbeing. Another thing that makes it easier is creating a safe and private space. Is there a way to get one of the many bathrooms designated as your own even if it's not the one most convenient one to get to? Is your dad willing to share his? What is it with PD and bathrooms? I went through this when vacationing with the PDs in my life and learned quickly to work around it taking a quick shower when they were out of the house or were doing other activities elsewhere in the house. The bathroom was off their bedroom so absolute control. I also learned to take a good wash in the bar sink in the basement and thankfully it was a temporary situation but seriously I did what I needed to survive.

Hello Spring,
Yes...I have been building a life for myself with a number of groups, a gig job, and some cheap hobbies.  It just gets hard to just have freedom late at night to cook and stuff, but I have managed to do that. It is also really difficult to witness the manipulation of my dad and the fake compassion.  I am worried for his life, because she has complete legal control of medical and the inheritance.  But he trusts her and believes her deception and  slander.  Maybe just my presence is a threat to their malignant scheming and somehow a light on what they are doing.

However, I do deserve to "live" and do self care in my father's house that has 4 bathrooms.  They have a full floor with a full bathroom that I never go into.  The main bathroom should be for everyone...on another floor, but she has made it her vanity room.  Thankfully there are some days I can count on her being at work and know I can use the bathroom; and then out of the blue she pops home early and bangs on the door, "How long are you going to be in there...I want to..."  It is her random entitled attacks that I am trying to deal with so I can be less traumatized and get some distance. There is a bathroom on the floor I am on, too, which is mine late at night.  Her husband has a bunch of stuff in there and uses that bathroom, which years ago he said was his when I was visiting!  She has been really nasty to me for about 4 weeks now...leaves me random notes with arbitrary rules that I'm supposed to follow that is the opposite of what everyone else does.  I hadn't seen her in a couple of days and then she actually sneered at me...like I was a piece of crap on the bottom of her shoe.  I am afraid of her as I know she is capable of great damage.

I understand that it is best to learn everything one can about PD's and keep that in mind when presented with certain crazy behaviors.  One article I read said to observe the behaviors as a science experiment.  So I am starting a journal regarding that and what my response is on the outside and what is going on inside.  And to see if I want to try something different the next time.  So realizing that she is actually having a 2 year old temper tantrum...and tattling...and may be trying to project her icky feelings onto me...helps me to have some distance.  She is not the sister I grew up with, she is not the sister that at one time was my best friend,  not the sister that I helped to raise. At one time she has a measure of compassion and a conscience.  In fact, she never had temper tantrums a toddler.  I am trying to understand medium chill and grey rock more. 

I also have a very good spiritual life and relationship with God.  I know deep down that someday he will provide a way out...but it is really hard to see that with my finances and being here 2 years.  I hope to live a long way away again, and really have my own life in my own area.  But for now I am thankful for my room and the available resources to survive these difficult and heartbreaking circumstances.

Thanks for responding.  I know alot of my posts are probably too long for people to bother reading.

[Spring Butterfly]

Those sound like really good and positive steps you are taking and it is really difficult to tolerate these behaviors. Being stuck in the same house with little place to escape is super difficult. You've got some really good ideas though and ways to keep the focus on your well-being. Wishing you endurance and at least some measure of peace.

[eternallystuck]

It's funny you mention this, because bath /shower time was also a source of warfare for me & my GC sis in the house.

I realised it stems from my NPD M, she has a need to dominate everything just like her.

My sis had & still has this irritating habit of needing to take a full hour in the shower then lock herself in the room obsessing over the small amount of spots she has which she could easily do in her room.

When you'd complain she's used all the hot water & it was an uneccessary amount of time to be in there she'd get all arrogant & literally escalate the convo into world war 3, attacking every slip up you've had over the last 5 years. Baffles me . To these ppl only their needs matter & exist.

I think butterflies reply is great. Try take a dip when she's out& work on getting away- these people thrive on getting fireworks out of mundane things