Married to a Religious Narcissist

[Mary]

T/H said, "My life is the only one that has changed so the few friends and family I have just don't get it and they are living as they had been. I am alone in my situation. They really don't get it and I don't expect them to. I found another griefshare group close to my home I will start in June."

It's hard to see the rest of the world go on when yours has stopped!  Your reflections as you work through your feelings are very meaningful to us. Good job on your self-care.

Blessings,
Mary

[tragedy or hope]

Speaking of self-care,
I have spent some time journaling and I see the terrible confusion being in a "relationship" with an N partner can cause. One day I am weeping for no reason, the next I am asking myself, "haven't I suffered enough?" I spent gallons of tears on an unfixable interactive sort of madness.

Reflecting on the treatment I received I have learned I have an enormous amount of pride, not unlike my unpdh because I was unwilling to reveal his nature to anyone. It is coupled with confusion because on some level to be done with him would never have happened. In some form he would have "haunted' me. Family gatherings not to mention legal issues.

They are so cunning in their "modes of captivity," never running out of ways to torture and keep a stronghold.

I had a small canvas made of him from a pic I took one Sunday afternoon after church when we drove to another town for lunch. It sat here in my house for a few weeks and I could not find a place it seemed to fit. One day, while journaling I took that canvas and wrote to it. Not surprising, before I was finished, I had punctured the thing with my pen at his face. I then found some scissors and cut it in pieces, wondering "what was I thinking?" to have it made. I concluded, I am with others who had normal relationships (grief group) and are truly grieving the loss of love. I am trying to fit in, and once again; my relationship makes me different.

On some level, I am grieving but it is not him that I am grieving... I am now alone, left with decisions made "together." My location, my belongings, my home, my friends (or lack of) etc... are all built around life with an N.

My grief is unique as I felt my life had been, and it is still "a secret." I am afraid I live geographically in a place of "happily ever after." if there were a real problem in the other relationships (grief group) doubt any of my fellow mourners would be abreast of what it was like to live with an unpdh. Many people adjust like i did and think "this is just the way he/she is."

So,  I will and am coping with it the best I can. Why can't I get past the fact he was a really bad person?!  I can see it in his father whom I think is just that... but still i am trying to find the good in him when intellectually I know any man who treats his wife of 50 years with intermittent disdain and cruelty cannot be a good man. I was in denial for so long, coming out of it is like coming out of a coma.

Still I have childlike emotions and I don't want to see. Evil is really hard to look in the face and accept for what it is. Just taking it one day at a time.

[square]

The reasons we hide the nature of our relationships are much more cimplicated than just pride. You can go easy on yourself there.

[tragedy or hope]

Square,

Thank you. I realize now what a "damaged" soul I really am. Yes, I have survived and overcome much. I guess there isn't anyone who gets out of this realm without damage in one way or another. It has made me who I am. I have many strengths and positve character qualities because of the hardship. I suppose the old adage might hold true here: given a choice of all problems; I would take mine back. Everyone is dealing with something.

You have helped me feel better. Thank you.

[square]

[Mary]

From Philippians 4:8, I think it must be hard to think about what is true and honest in the memories when there so much that was not lovely, of virtue, or worthy of praise. May God comfort your weary heart.

Mary

[Truthseeker1]

You story resonates with me deeply. I have been married to a uNbpdw for over 30 years. I have only recently come to understand the diagnosis. I was deep in the fog and gaslit beyond my comprehension. I am coming Out of the FOG for the last few months. I am now formulating a plan on how to live and move forward. She is charismatic and insightful. She is generous and seemingly self sacrificing to others. She has a following of young ones in the church who adore her.  People in general admire her and she loves it. I imagine her funeral would be met with the same response. It's so hard to hear their adoring comments when I know the truth about what motivates her. I just accept their compliments about her graciously and bite my cheek. My heart breaks for you having to endure everyone's well meaning sympathy over your loss. Your post was a powerful warning to me. Thank you for sharing the wisdom. Without Gods intervention in the form of a miracle i know she will not change. I a still currently grieving that fact.  I am still hoping for it but accepting it at the same time. I have come to the place where I have started to devise my plans to live with the situation if God never intervenes and changes her. You post has strengthened me and my resolve to more than survive. I want to reinvent the second half of my life and write a story I will be proud of.  I am done being a tool she uses solely for her gain. My story is so much better than what I have allowed it to become. Thank you so much for posting. You have nudged me toward a new path and I am looking forward to a new journey toward a much healthier destination.  Thank you,  I needed to hear your story! Thank you!!!

[Mary]

You can do this Truthseeker! T/H has laid it out so clearly for us. One change, one boundary at a time makes a huge difference in the long haul.
Mary