One more for good measure . . .

[Adria]

I called a distant aunt today. Someone I call and check on every couple months.  She said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this, but your dad had an aneurysm and is on a ventilator." 

He must have instructed everyone in the whole family, again, not to let me know when he passes away, just like he did when my mom passed away. 

I was told everyone was called to the hospital, except me. Both of my sisters are there.  That means that my cousin who ghosted me about my aunt passing away, also knows about my father as well.

I've never done anything at all to hurt any one of these people. 

How to process that everyone you love could turn on you and be so cruel and heartless?

[notrightinthehead]

Oh how hurtful that must be! It really seems that these people don't want you in their lives. I can imagine how rejected you might feel. They are supposed to love you, they are your family and they eject you, exclude you.
Is there any way you can accept the fact, feel the pain, make peace with it, and love yourself through all of this? Make an extra effort to give yourself kindness and compassion with whatever works for you?

[Boat Babe]

Oh Adria, how unbelievably cruel. I am so sorry. This is so wrong, so abusive, so painful. I really hope your FOC can rally round and make you feel loved, appreciated and valued. If I lived next door to you I would pop round now and we would have a coffee and a hug.

[Call Me Cordelia]

That's horrible. I'm so very sorry. What a grief. 

It's so hard that you are trying to maintain some connection to your FOO by checking in on your aunt every couple of months. Which is a kindness, but also a source of further grief.

To consider after you've taken some time: What boundaries on passing information about your FOO would work for you going forward? What about these peripheral family relationships you maintain? Are they overall positives in your life? If you didn't call your aunt, does that phone work both ways?

For me, it had to be a complete and clean break. Which is also a grief, to be sure, but in my case there wasn't really anything to begin with on those relationships. It may be different for you. Again, this is so tough and we are here for you.

[Adria]

Notrightinthehead,

I think this time it really sunk in. It's over. No hope left.  My dad and aunt caused the most grief. My aunt has passed, and it looks like my dad will be passing shortly. I feel then I will finally have peace.
Thank you for your kind words.

Boat Babe,

It would really be nice to meet and have coffee, and be able to hug all of you.  Thank you for your kindness.

Cordelia,

This aunt that I check on does reciprocate.  She is quite far removed, and does understand that I don't want our conversations to be about my family and they usually are not.  This is just a big one, so she though she should let me know.  She is the only one now that I will be in contact with.  She has been there for me through thick and thin.  She is very old and frail now.

For a long time I made a complete clean break from everyone, except her, and I am now realizing that I should have kept it that way.  I am on the fast track to breaking away permanently now. It's only been her and my cousin, but I have blocked my cousin for good.  I took a chance with my cousin that I shouldn't have and set myself up for so much more grief.  Thank you for sticking around and offering wise advice.  I really appreciate it.