Conversations in my head with a dead man

[easterncappy]

I was changing my daughter's diaper and my dead dad's voice started nagging me about how I'm changing the diaper wrong. I told him to shut up, in my head, and that I'm not going to have a conversation in my head with a dead person. It seems like even nearly a year after his death, he's still there, a huge part of my inner monologue.

I asked my mom on my dad's birthday how she feels with him being gone on this day. She has politely said before that she feels like things have gotten a lot better for everyone who was in my dad's "inner circle" since he died... all but plainly said "I'm glad the f'er is dead". I know many people did not want me to allow her into my life again but with much work on herself after my dad's death, she is actually a decently reasonable person to speak to now. We talk about once a week.

It is weird. Sometimes I imagine him as a little boy getting whipped by his mom for just being a toddler and I get sad. Then I remember that the GROWN MAN who was a threat to my family's safety is gone forever, and I get happy again.

My physical health has improved tremendously since his death. The death certificate was all about the different things contributing to his stroke and heart attack. I'm down 60 lbs and have better vitals than ever, my bloodwork is excellent, and I feel great.

My therapist said "never in my 52 years did I think I'd be happy that someone died, but it seems like it was the only way for you and your mom to even begin healing and even be in each other's lives at all".

It's like he's here, but not here. It's like I want to hug the tiny boy who was abused until he developed the psychological problems my dad had, but I'm glad I don't have to worry about the adult who chose to keep being bad. It's like every intrusive thought about how bad he was, which makes me cringe and sometimes cry, can get destroyed by remembering "he isn't here anymore".

And it isn't as linear as I thought it would all be. Turns out they're still your parents even if they're terrible people you had to remove from your life - you still get sad sometimes.

Hope everyone has been doing well.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Hi. I'm sorry. For... your loss? I guess that covers it kind of? Because I think I understand. My dad isn't dead but I'm NC for six years now. He still shows up in my head as absurdly tearing me down over everyday things like changing a diaper.

I'm glad your health is so improved! That's tremendous! Stunning too what your T said about your dad's death the only possible way for healing between you and your mom. What a sad legacy he left, to bring peace by getting out of your life.

[NarcKiddo]

Thank you for the update. I am really happy to read that things seem to be working out well for you and your mother. You say she has done a lot of work on herself, which is great, but I know you have also done a lot of work on yourself, and kept to your boundaries, and it seems to me from your post that your mother is now responding to that in a more positive way. So, well done to both of you, but especially to you because if you had not done your work your mother may never have done hers.

[Srcyu]

Hi easterncappy,

Your post radiates a gentle sadness. One year is not a long time when it comes to processing grief in its various forms.
A part of your brain is keeping him here, for now.
I'm so pleased to hear that your health has improved greatly.

For me, it was extremely linear when my 'mother' died and no sadness was felt by me at all. That too is fine.

[Adria]

I'm so sorry. 

[JenniferSmith]

Years ago I had a friend whose father had died before I met her. They came home one day to find him dead in his regular chair in the living room. As I would come to learn, their family was completely relieved when he finally died. He was a mean, nasty person and the entire family simply felt better once he was gone.  I personally believe that some people cause so much hurt and pain to others (often their own family, but not always), that it greatly overshadows any good they did, and it makes sense that there would be relief once that person is gone.  There is so much pressure to "not speak poorly of the dead" but sometimes there isn't much good to say about certain people, and I think we're allowed to be honest about how we feel.

[Boat Babe]

One of my close friends had in incredibly difficult mother and the Christmas after she died, the whole family had the nicest Christmas anyone could remember because she wasn't there. They were sad and certainly not celebrating her death but her absence was felt as a huge relief, everyone could be themselves and enjoy eachother's company.

[moglow]

I asked my mom on my dad's birthday how she feels with him being gone on this day. She has politely said before that she feels like things have gotten a lot better for everyone who was in my dad's "inner circle" since he died... all but plainly said "I'm glad the f'er is dead".

EC, I have one distinct memory of my Daddy's funeral some 25+ years ago: my brothers and I were sitting together in the chapel before his service began. My oldest brother leaned in to say - you know, when *she* goes it won't be like this. I don't see us grieving like this. Who will mourn her?

It was a gut punch but we all nodded, knew exactly what he meant. Even in all these years with her as our sole parent, mother's made no effort to change anything or reach out to anyone. Our efforts to have even a decent relationship with her were slowly but surely shut down and she showed herself to be completely uninterested, often going to what I see as extremes to shut us out.

Not having that contact with her that *I* insisted on for so long, is changing me. She's still there but not the poisonous presence I knew. Her voices are muted. The angst I experienced from even the shortest contact with her, lessening.

All that to say: I get it.