NOTHING HAS GOTTEN BETTER OVER TIME

[FinallyPeace]

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=54998.msg489721#msg489721

Here's a link that has in a nut shell what happened between me and my sister ^^^
BFF's for 40 years and now someone I don't recognize.  The entire fall out happened 4 years ago and sometimes it still feels like yesterday that my heart was ripped out.

I thought that time away and distance would help, but it's just as raw as ever.

My sister is still gossiping, backstabbing and angry as h #ll, but no one knows why.  It feels like a death (can't talk or spend time with her), but she's still alive.

Two recent things happened to bring this all back into the forefront (Sep and Nov) and it suxs.  Badly!

Anyone have anything to offer or share?  Whether a relationship HAS gotten better over time or what you've done if you are still estranged?

Thank you everyone!   

[guitarman]

It's taken me decades to conclude that I can't change my uBPD/uNPD sister. I still get upset and feel as I did all those years ago.

Observe don't absorb.

Acceptance for me means that she may kill herself and I can't stop her from carrying out her threats to harm herself. She needs professional help but refuses to get it. I am not a mental health professional.

Lots has changed for me over the years even though I can get easily triggered and still feel that I have to rescue her from her self destructive intentions.

The teachings of Kris Godinez online have been so much help and support for me. She talks about Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and CPTSD. I need to work on my self esteem more.

Help from other carers and this forum has helped me as well so much. I may need support for the rest of my life and I'm OK with that. I need to look after myself first as no one else is going to. I need to always put my needs first. It's not selfish it's survival. I need to ask for help when I need it which I do now.

I wish my sister well from afar. I don't want her in my life. I do not do "idiot compassion" any more. I do not put my own mental and physical health at risk to help her. 

Life is a teacher. On this journey I've learnt so much more about myself. I've learnt self compassion. I stay calm. I've surprised myself about my many strengths. I've learnt that you do not need to set yourself on fire in order to keep someone else warm.

I've learnt to be a lighthouse rather than a lifeboat.

I still have more to learn. I'm proud of what I have achieved and the help and support that I can give to others going through similar but different situations as myself. We need to tell our stories. We need to raise awareness about PDs and how others are affected by abuse.

Be positive. Stay calm. Let things go. Go live your life and live it well free from abuse. Be even more amazing than you already are!

Best wishes

guitarman

[FinallyPeace]

Observe don't absorb.

I do not do "idiot compassion" any more.

Thank you, Guitarman! 

I appreciated your comment and suggestions.  I am listening.  LOL

I hate the fact that after one of these recent episodes with my two sisters, it takes me a few days to "bounce back." 

I wish time was making things better, but it's not and I have to accept that.

[Adria]

What a great post Guitarman!

[sandpiper]

Guitarman you have come a long way. Respect to you. I know how hard it is to make all those adjustments and as you say, we will always need to take care of ourselves.
I think that sometimes you just have to detach with love and build a better life for yourself.
Every now and then I consider checking in with a family member that I am estranged from. Then I consider the worst possible scenario, and how much damage they'd done to be before I went NC and started to put my life back together.
Unless  they have done the work, been to rehab, and gone to therapy...I just don't see how the outcome of our relationship and our interaction could be any different than it was before.
I think it's helpful to ask yourself 'What would need to happen or to change for me to safely re-engage in this relationship?'
Those lists would have some commonalities for all of us and then there would be personal things that are non-negotiable.
I think if you sit down and work on that list and focus on your safety, it will in a sense be a safety plan for you.
Sadly we are simply trained to continue the abuse on each other in PD families and I simply don't think that my estranged FOO know how to have a good and reciprocal relationship with me.
I am the problem because I ceased to fulfil my part of the bargain, which was allowing them to drain me to the point where I felt like I was running on empty and I was down to 3% energy.
It took a huge effort to recover and I am simply not willing to risk that, when there are other relationships in my life that are loving and reciprocal and which aren't focussed on reinforcing the abuse that all of us suffered when we were children.
When they tell me they've done the work on themselves and they've changed - and they no longer view me as the problem for needing healthy boundaries - then, and only then, will I consider moving out of NC.