Telling someone they may have PD

[LemonLime]

Hi All,
I realize it's probably a suicide mission to let my sister know that I think she has BPD characteristics.  But it feels wrong that I have information that could possibly help her, and I'm not sharing it.   I know I don't owe her anything, but I'd like her to have had the benefit of at least one person giving info that could lead to an effective treatment.   I'm not sure I'd do it, but want to ask......has anyone out there done this successfully?   What do you see as the keys to your success?     Thanks in advance

[openskyblue]

From everything I've read here and experienced myself, I would strongly urge you not to have this conversation with your sister. It's unlikely, if she does have BPD, that she would believe you and even less likely that your announcement would help her. Looking at oneself critically is typically very challenging for people with a PD.

It sounds like you are concerned for your sister, which says a lot about you. Have you read Stop Caretaking the BPD or NPD Person in Your Life? It really helped me understand so much about PDs and my need to try to help and care for the PD in my life.

[sandpiper]

Don't do it.
It's unethical, it's unlikely to help her - and in fact it's far more likely to generate a fresh cycle of shame, blame, emotional turbulence, projection and denial.
You wouldn't tell someone that they have cancer unless you were their GP and you'd run a set of clinical tests that proved it.
Psychiatric diagnoses deserve the same level of respect.
I dealt with it by telling my sisters that it was helping me with my issues to see a counsellor.
They responded to that by dismissing, invalidating, belittling, demeaning and judging my choice and my diagnosis (PTSD).
Work on your own recovery and invest a lot of energy into advancing your own skills for communication and conflict resolution.
It probably won't help your sister but it will help with your quality of life and your sanity if you want to keep her in your life, without it draining you and driving you to the brink.

[LemonLime]

Thanks everyone, for the comments.   They're helpful.  I doubt my sister has BPD, but certainly seems to have a few of the characteristics.   The rages are now directed at me and are ruining our relationship.

I understand that she would be furious with me for letting her know my suspicions.    Frankly I'm not sure I have a lot to lose at this point.

If I don't tell her what I suspect, then I have another question:  how would a high-functioning person like her ever get professional help?
I ask that in all sincerity.    If nobody tells her what the problem might be, how would she get to a therapist?  And if she did get to a therapist, how would she happen to find one who was skilled in Borderline/BPD?    And if she had no insight into her issues, wouldn't she simply tell the therapist "her" side of the story and they would fall for in hook-line-and-sinker and agree with her that her FOO was terrible (we weren't) and she would waste a ton of time/money without any progress?

OK, that's not one question, it's lots of questions. 

[moglow]

Kat, you say you have nothing to lose, it can't get worse etc, but really? Let's flip this situation and your sister tells you that you have obvious BPD (or any other mental illness) characteristics. Are you going to run right out and look for help? No, you'd round on the person who had the audacity to suggest such a thing, demand that they explain it, accuse them of being the one with the problem, etc.

You can't change another person. You can't insist they get help for problems they won't admit to. IF she were to eventually say "okay I'll go just to shut you up" then what?? She's there under duress, insisting nothing is wrong ... Wasted time and effort all the way around. She doesn't *want* help until she decides she does. You can't force it on her or anyone else.

What you *can* do is address the behavior when it happens. Establish and enforce your boundaries whenever (insert appalling behavior here) occurs. You don't have to stand there and placate her when she has a meltdown. Tell her it's not acceptable to talk to you that way. You can change the subject, end the conversation, leave. You'll have to change what you're doing, not insist on her changing.

[LemonLime]

Thank you for all the great advice, everyone.    Good food for thought.

[Starboard Song]

Another thought. In our home, we found that knowledge related to self-care was every bit as important as more technical knowledge about these conditions. I suspect, that self-care is at the heart of what a PD person can do to better themselves. And sharing those perspectives is not an insult or criticism at all. The top line of my signature are the books my wife and I found most helpful for us.

And developing and enforcing good boundaries is also an act of love and support -- not merely self-defence. Sharing books of optimism, love, and self-care, and also enforcing boundaries, may do a great deal to help her.

[LemonLime]

Thank you Starboard.   That helps me feel more optimistic.