Anxiety about visiting brother

[JollyJazz]

Hi All,

I just wanted to post here.

I am currently visiting an area near where my brother lives (he lives very far from me). I thought I would take the opportunity to visit him and his family. I am feeling kind of anxious about it, he often says really hurtful things. I am already feeling anxious about going to visit, but I would really like to visit my nieces and nephews and my sister in law.

Does anyone have any tips or suggestions for keeping emotionally safe on visits? I am already feeling sensitive about some things in my life, and I feel like I don't need to risk having put downs about these sorts of things.

Any thoughts or ideas welcome!

[AnneH]

Hi JollyJazz,

I have been in the situation you describe countless times with an uHPD sis and am eternally grateful to the contributors to this forum for all I have learned from them. Have you put your brother on an "information diet" as one person here so eloquently put it? If there are things in your life you are feeling sensitive about, and your brother is hurtful to you, there is no reason he needs to know anything you wouldn't "want to put on the front page of the NY Times" as my uNM used to say. *Nobody* has the right to hurt you or to extract personal information on you even though PDs may swear up and down that they do. Indeed, when I actually dared to tell uNM she couldn't hurt me, she acted terribly...hurt because it meant I didn't care! (I had my entire FOO on just such a "diet" from my early teens and she was furious about it because she didn't have actual weapons with which to hurt me). If your brother already has too much information and brings something up that is none of his business, or if he asks a personal question you don't want to answer, you can always say "That's not open for discussion." That's what I would say to uHPD sis whenever she would make snide remarks about my hair colour (black rather than grey), my preferring to drink water rather than milk with meals (yes you read that correctly), my foreign language abilities (yes I speak several and she doesn't like that), my career choices and pastimes, etc etc etc etc etc.

I would also advise a hotel reservation and a getaway car, these really saved us the very last time we visited FOO before going NC. You are not obligated to sleep over anywhere you feel emotionally unsafe, and remember, you can leave at any time.

[JollyJazz]

Hi AnneH,

Thanks for your thoughtful and understanding reply!

One thing I can't really hide, I am between jobs at the moment, but I am working on getting my next job. I am a little bit sensitive about that.

I do have my brother on an information diet. I do find it hard when I'm being questioned / interrogated about my life... I just tell the truth and can end up revealing much more than I'm really comfortable with... I like your tips... I think I'll just say 'that's a bit personal' and leave it at that.

I realise though, I remember a wise quote from a therapist 'you can lie to protect yourself'. I don't like to lie at all, but maybe I could consider a white lie to protect myself.

The snide remarks about everything under the sun sound so familiar! Another thing he does is the aggressive advice giving. He basically issues orders for what everyone around him should do (to fix their bike, this, that, etc. etc.)

I like the get away option, I will plan for that as well.

Thank you! I'll get there!