Medium Chill Advice

[whatthefog]

I'm getting married this fall and my uBPD sister just announced today via group text about a family dinner that she is engaged to an on again off again boyfriend who recently resurfaced and she told me two weeks ago they were back together. Clearly I am furious as this was supposed to be a year about me (for once) but I can't say I'm surprised since it always has to be about her. I haven't said anything in response to her announcement. I don't know what to say. I know I need to use medium chill but I also don't want to say congratulations or seem like I'm happy with it. Any tips on what I could say or how to navigate this?  She is one of my bridesmaids and Is supposed to be at some upcoming things like dress shopping etc. I'm so stressed about seeing her.

[STG3]

ughhhhhhhhh my goodness, SUCH typical behavior.

Here's the thing... when it comes to PDs... they love drama. they love chaos. they love attention. A sibling's engagement/ wedding? It's truly inevitable... they WILL try to upstage/ refocus attention on themselves. it sucks but at the same time it's also so expected. At the end of the day, any life event of yours that also involves a PD family member is most likely not going to end up being all about you because of the nature of who they are.

For me, it just came down to acceptance and looking at the end game, which was ending up married to a wonderful partner who supports me and who I can create a functional, happy life with.

This all being said, you don't *need* to use medium chill. You don't need to have her be a bridesmaid. It's totally up to you what role you want her to have in your life in general. You're allowed to set whatever boundary is necessary for you. I do completely understand not wanting to rock the boat, and if so, the bus stop method is always helpful for me (I respond as I would to a random person I'm speaking to at a bus stop. i.e. if a random person told me they got engaged, I'd say congrats! and nothing more **edited to add if u thought bus stop person's engagement sounded crazy and didn't want to say congrats, whatever other thing you'd say "oh wow!" etc)

[Starboard Song]

The bus stop method is always helpful for me. I respond as I would to a random person I'm speaking to at a bus stop. i.e. if a random person told me they got engaged, I'd say congrats! and nothing more.

I like it: The Bus Stop Method. Imagine what you'd say or do to a random but friendly stranger, and emulate that.

This is excellent packaging of advice I've delivered in a far more clumsy way. Far too often we let toxic people get to us so much that we become ungenerous and closed, giving them less kindness than we would give to a stranger at a bus stop, further fracturing an already noisome relationship. But see? I made it negative again.

Kudos on this.

[STG3]

The bus stop method is always helpful for me. I respond as I would to a random person I'm speaking to at a bus stop. i.e. if a random person told me they got engaged, I'd say congrats! and nothing more.

I like it: The Bus Stop Method. Imagine what you'd say or do to a random but friendly stranger, and emulate that.

This is excellent packaging of advice I've delivered in a far more clumsy way. Far too often we let toxic people get to us so much that we become ungenerous and closed, giving them less kindness than we would give to a stranger at a bus stop, further fracturing an already noisome relationship. But see? I made it negative again.

Kudos on this.

Aw thanks, Starboard Song. Honestly, for me, it's not even specifically about kindness/ positivity, so much as forcing myself to TRULY step out of the PD's chaos/drama cycle they insist on creating. It refocuses it back to me and who I am, making the PD's behavior and history an irrelevant factor.

Also, I wanted to add, whatthefog, are any of your other bridesmaids/ friends people who are aware of your sister's behavior and history? Maybe you could lean on them for support in dealing with her?

[Yael924]

Just a thought....

Maybe tell her that since she will be planning her own wedding at the same time as your plans are ongoing, that you two shouldn't be  each others bridesmaids/MOH. Suggest you each could do a reading / design the guest book / some other minor contribution.

And use passwords for your vendors, so no one else can change your orders.

And the bus stop method sounds like a good strategy. Your folks are going to be stressed too.

Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials.

[bloomie]

whatthefog - you have already had great input and the "bus stop method" is a succinct and fabulous tool to have in your back pocket! Thank you for that STG3! A simple 'best wishes' in response might release some of the tension and set the atmosphere you want to create around this group "announcement" of chill, beige, civil, polite, cool as a cucumber non-engagment.

Sometimes stunning us into silence and putting us on our back foot in a defensive posture is a win in the PD world of my own family members and I refuse to give over to behaving out of character for myself. I would offer a neutral, polite response to someone at a bus stop or at a cocktail party if they shared this type of news.

What makes MC really powerful in my own moments with a highly competitive, limelight stealing suspected uHPD/NPD family member is having learned to detach emotionally first. To redirect and refocus my emotional energy on what I can control, change, cure and that is always and only ever me.

Anger, according to Karla McLaren in the Language of Emotions, is a sign that there is something that needs to be protected. It is the honorable sentry of our emotions and my sense is that what you may be looking for is a way to protect the events and times leading up to your wedding and the ceremony itself from being overshadowed by the old familiar ways of your sister.

I have an imaginary kevlar vest that I strap on over my heart to protect it when I am going into certain events with uPD family members whose behaviors are targeted, disappointing and disheartening. You could also add an imaginary helmet to protect this crapola that is coming from your sister from getting into your head.. or maybe you would rather a stylish beret or fedora? Whatever works to protect yourself from reacting and regretting and from further emotional angst. 

Acknowledge your feelings and process them for yourself and then refuse to ruminate and take offense. Regroup and move on with your beautiful, happy life!

Not in anyway invalidating the weight of all of this, but trying to walk along with you as you reclaim the true joy of the coming months no matter what your sister does or does not do. You will have strategies and neutral responses in your toolbox and maintain civility and a cool, calm atmosphere around you as you set the tone for your life and interactions and refuse to give over to engaging in exchanges that would mar these once in a lifetime moments that truly belong to only you and your dear fiancé.

[Transcendence]

Bloomie, you have alot of wisdom and I like the idea of the Kevlar vest protecting the heart.  I am dealing with alot of attention stealing from my UNsister.  She has sabotaged so many of relationships with her slander and cruelty.  She has ruined my birthdays...or made them about her.  Any family dinners are usually upstaged by her and her husband bragging and knowing just what to say to make themselves look good.  It is difficult when entitled N people are successful because of their ill gotten gains by exploitation...and the nonPD is broke despite trying to so hard to be gainfully employed.  I find myself so uncomfortable with juggling chainsaws in my stomach before any kind of gathering...especially if it something that is supposed to be for me like a birthday.  Then I feel bad for having those feelings.  Once in a while it goes well...but more often they steal the show with all their shallow charm and put on an act.  No one else sees it... ) :

So the sister that suddenly became engaged with a tenuous relationship...geez that has got to hurt.  It is so dicey with these PD's as one also doesn't want to give them more supply and power...as it only makes them worse and more grandiose!  Like an addict...who often runs the show with enablers all around...the more power they have...the worse it is for everyone.

[whatthefog]

ughhhhhhhhh my goodness, SUCH typical behavior.

Here's the thing... when it comes to PDs... they love drama. they love chaos. they love attention. A sibling's engagement/ wedding? It's truly inevitable... they WILL try to upstage/ refocus attention on themselves. it sucks but at the same time it's also so expected. At the end of the day, any life event of yours that also involves a PD family member is most likely not going to end up being all about you because of the nature of who they are.

For me, it just came down to acceptance and looking at the end game, which was ending up married to a wonderful partner who supports me and who I can create a functional, happy life with.

This all being said, you don't *need* to use medium chill. You don't need to have her be a bridesmaid. It's totally up to you what role you want her to have in your life in general. You're allowed to set whatever boundary is necessary for you. I do completely understand not wanting to rock the boat, and if so, the bus stop method is always helpful for me (I respond as I would to a random person I'm speaking to at a bus stop. i.e. if a random person told me they got engaged, I'd say congrats! and nothing more **edited to add if u thought bus stop person's engagement sounded crazy and didn't want to say congrats, whatever other thing you'd say "oh wow!" etc)

[whatthefog]

Thank you all so much for your advice and support! I loved the bus stop method idea! I used that to respond to her announcement and will continue to use it.

Someone asked if I have bridesmaids who I can talk to about this. I do, and they have been very supportive. This isn't easy for me right now as I'm still reeling from this most recent news.

True to form, my sister bailed out on the dress shopping giving several excuses. I told her If she can't commit to being a bridesmaid and showing up, then let me know now. I don't know if I'll hear back. I doubt it. Either way, I'm trying to focus on my joy...even if it is not always easy to ignore the pain she causes.