the mask slipped

[bohemian butterfly]

Today, I'm reading a book today on my Kindle called "Too Good to leave, too bad to stay"  I also called my therapist;  I hope and pray that she can book an appointment with me in the next few days.

I'm trying to unscramble my mind.

Yesterday, I got out of work late (my boyfriend and I usually attend a running meet-up group after I get off work) so I sent him a text stating that I probably wouldn't make it home in time and for him to leave without me.  He replied back that he hoped I made it home in time because he wanted to drive my car.  I did not want him to use my car (it is almost paid off and I'm sooo fearful - I'm getting a house and can't have anything happen to that car) so I admit, I was passive aggressive, I took the long way home, but he waited and still took my car (he has a truck, but he doesn't like to drive it in the city)  I just let him use it.  *sigh*

Last night, after the run (I stayed home) my boyfriend called and said that he had picked up dinner (so in my head, I checked off a plus on the scale of do I stay or do I go.  Kindness, he does do sweet things) but after he got home and while he was sitting at the table, he said, "could you do me a favor?" and I jokingly said, "it depends, what is it?" (this was my attempt at a boundary, instead of my usual response of saying "sure" without knowing what it is (because he asks for for favors all. day. long) and guys, for a flicker of a second, the mask fell.  He had this look of utter hatred and contempt (for just a split second) and started to get defensive, irritated and angry, (he said all he wanted was for me to get him a glass of water) so to diffuse the situation, I just laughed it off and got him a glass because I am just biding my time at this point.  He immediately calmed down, but it was too late.  I saw my future in that look and it totally repelled me.

Although I can't read other people's minds, I truly feel like he feels that I am being unreasonable.  That I am there to serve him.  He told me once that when people ask for favors, it's a part of bonding and he chastised me for not doing the same, that I was missing out of getting close to people by asking for help).   

I hope that I can do this for another month.  If the home inspection goes well, I will close on my house on June 23.  In the meantime, that is 4 weekends with him (working)   Sooo much can happen and I'm afraid that I will forget this moment and back out.  The one plus is that when I sign the paperwork for this house, there is pretty much no going back.  Plus, if I've come this far, I am already done.....it's just my heart and mind are still whispering "what if....?"   This is why journalling for me is so important.  I need to remember because otherwise I get amnesia (especially after a good day or when he does something nice)

[11JB68]

Stay strong BB.
I think I'm familiar with that look.
My uOCPDh can say whatever he wants/however he wants to anyone, but takes it as a personal affront to him if anyone is less than cordial.
He's at the point where often he doesn't 'ask' if I can 'do him a favor'. He just says 'mm water' and holds out his glass, e.g.

[clara]

Before I married my uNPDexh, I witnessed one of those moments of "mask slippage" when he literally shoved me aside when I was sitting with him on the couch because I was tired after a long day and was resting my head on his shoulder.  It was a real, aggressive shove like he didn't want me close to him, and when I asked why he did it, he denied doing it.  But I decided to let it go, although I never forgot it.  I went ahead and married him and our entire marriage was more of the same except he slowly became more and more overt in his contempt for me but at the same time was afraid to lose me because I was the major source of our income.  So he would ignore me unless there was something he wanted, and if I didn't respond in a certain way, or quick enough, he'd make statements about how his other friend's wives and gfs wouldn't hesitate, would be glad to do it, would be willing to make the sacrifice etc.  He would always find a way to make me feel guilty if I gave him a little push-back.  For a long time this tactic worked with me until suddenly I was done with it, with him, with the whole set-up.

I think journaling is an excellent way to keep reminding yourself of the truth of what happened rather than relying on memories tainted with emotion, or allowing his voice to speak louder (in your head) than your own.  A journal, or talking with a therapist who, if they're a good therapist, will be an objective observer, is a good way to distance yourself from yourself and view the situation more objectively.  The facts really do speak for themselves!  Stay strong!