Wrapping it up. From gut wrenching pain to freedom.

[bohemian butterfly]

So for some strange reason, that meet up with my ex on Monday night (which was so painful and disastrous) helped me more than I thought.  Like someone on this forum stated, perhaps it wasn't a mistake, but a gift.  Even though I feel "closure" with an ex isn't necessary, (you provide your own closure, no other person is needed, esp if you are scared and in any kind of danger, not worth it!) in my case, it helped (but only because I was already safe - I had already moved out) and only because we met at a restaurant and only because I knew I was safe. 

Anger.  I've never, like in my entire life (43years) been able to express it (growing up in an alcoholic home, the only one allowed to be angry was my u BPD-mother, the wife of an alcoholic).  But today I found myself, in 2 separate conversations, with 2 separate friends, expressing my anger about that meet up and how he treated me and I was furious about it.  Absolutely FURIOUS.  I mean I actually found that place in which I was mad (almost like if a friend had shared the story and I was mad someone had hurt her).  And then I had a lightbulb moment.  My lack of anger has been unhealthy.   I'd always been so afraid of anger.  I never wanted to be like my mom, so I went the polar opposite.  Completely and perfectly compliant.  Ugh!  No wonder my inner child is pissed! 😂

Today was a breath of fresh air, a release.  I mean, I didn't even yell or cuss (ok, maybe I cussed 😊) but just letting myself verbally express my anger sort of woke me up!  yes, people can be mean, and I have every right to be mad as heck if they hurt me or someone I care about. And I'm allowed to express it (as long as I don't harm myself or others). Go figure!!!!

I feel strong.  This conversations I had this morning were like "express healing" moments.  Two simple 10 minute conversations, in which I was able to express my anger with safe people equated to 2 weeks of intense self help work.  It was sort of, kind of amazing. 

I came home today, greeted my pets, dropped my bag on the floor, raised my arms in the air and just was like "Woo Hoo!!!!  No one is the boss of me anymore!!!"   And at that moment, It's like the energetic cords that were connecting me to my ex were suddenly ripped from my body and hurtling into the cosmos. 

My inner child was happy; I think she recognizes that I'm going to take care of her from now on.  And although she'll probably always miss the farm animals, "we" know that we played our part to the best of our ability, nature will provide and protect in our absence. Future animals need our love, so we release the farm animals in love, light and blessings and we move forward with no guilt, no regret. 

I hope to God I never get into another destructive relationship again.  I know my radar is broken and that my energy will probably still want to reach out to the broken, but today, something changed.  I simply can not let this happen again.

So, was it worth it?  The 2-3 weeks of anguish and pain after breaking up with a PD?  In my opinion, it was completely and Totally worth it. 

Kris Godinez says these relationships are like withdrawing from drugs. The chemicals in the brain are screaming for a fix.  But, just like all of you suggested..... just keep swimming, keep walking.  I was lucky though because mine rejected me and didn't stalk or love bomb.  I think it would have been harder if he had.  Thankfully he blames me.  I'm ok with that. 

I vow to be no contact with my ex from this moment forward. The doors and windows are locked, the attic and crawl space are off limits.  I'm doing us both a favor, the kindest and most loving thing I can do. 

Thank you for reading and thank you all for your strength and your advice and your cheers and your love.  For any future readers, this community is amazing.  Healing takes place here, but please know that it might take time, and that is perfectly OK.  Everyone is on a similar path, but in different phases and with different variables.  You will do what you need to do in YOUR own time.   

Don't give up!   Keep reading, keep posting, keep walking. 

I will still continue to post in this forum but just wanted to provide a sort of conclusion.  I know that I still have much work to do, but I also feel that it is important to help new members.  You guys helped me, I hope I can help someone in the future (hello future friend!😊).  I got so much wonderful advice here, and much of it was from members who had already successfully left the PD relationship .  I feel like this is important because it keeps momentum going and it provides hope and encouragement.  It's helpful to have members in different phases on the path, and it's like the survivors are the guides.  I'm also hoping It will keep me in check, keep me from the "never ending cycle, omg, omg. Omg" (kris godinez sings this to the tune of "never ending story"  it's simply amazing). 

[Scarlet Runner]

I can hear the joy in your post! Congratulations! So happy for you. 

I can relate to not expressing anger. I am a very even keeled person by nature, but STBX has tamped down anytime I even so much as expressed something in a frustrated voice. I have learned to shove down my anger and I know it's not healthy.

You might enjoy the following short blog post about the valuable purpose of anger:
https://toko-pa.com/2014/01/26/making-anger-your-ally/
"But a terrible thing is lost in the suppression of anger – your relationship with one of your greatest allies: Instinct. Anger arises when your heart has been offended, your values have been wronged, your beloveds are threatened, or somewhere, justice has been denied. Anger is the catalyst to the impotence you may feel in these situations. "

[losingmyself]

Yay for you!!!
Thank you for sharing your story!

[pushit]

Awesome bb!!  I'm very happy for you.  Keep walking....

[Undiscovered]

Thank you so so much for this. I gives me so much hope.

I am keenly aware of my complete lack of anger. How it scares me to be angry and how it is keeping me where I am.

This numbness to emotion is easier right now though.

Your story inspires me to keep striving to be on the other side of this one day.

[Jsinjin]

This brings me so much joy to read!!!

[Boat Babe]

That's FABULOUS news. Good for you lady! 

[Jsinjin]

You have had the most inspiring story!    I'm so excited for you!    Congratulations!!!

Jsj

[Kat54]

What a great, inspiring post! Thank you. Its good to see someone who's coming to the end of the long journey. I envy you, and can't wait for the day for myself.

I understand the anger thing. I also suppress and stay nice. I have for the most part been emotionless through my divorce and when I get angry it dissipates and i forget what made me angry. Its like my coping way to push the pain and anger away to not deal with it.  My mother was an alcoholic, who was angry and constantly yelling at my father, so its hard to be around.  I couldn't take the anger that came from my ex either, so making things good and being compliant was what I always have done.

Much work to be done in relationships and being better to myself. My new goal after this divorce is finished.

Thanks for being inspiring and keeping me going to finish this.

[Lotus8]

This is so great to hear. i am so happy for you! Your story gives me hope and strength.

[Liftedfog]

Unbelievable what you've been through. The chains are broken and you are free the way God has meant you to be.   Wishing you peace and joy!