I am so tired.

[Blackbird11]

A few weeks away from 1 year in home separation. I just read all of my old posts to this site - and let me tell you how much it helps to go back, see what I may have been struggling with and when, and the different advice received. Thank you all again for the advice and support and commiseration. It's funny - a lot of you predicted what I was about to experience before it happened. You were all right!

I've been in a bit of a mood this week. I posted about how my uPDh tried to ask me out for Valentine's Day. When I said no, he instigated an argument with me in front of our kid and the babysitter a few hours later. Well he had therapy yesterday and came to me to apologize for his behavior after I declined his invitation. Apparently his therapist helped him see how he was wrong, and that he has a problem with black and white thinking.

I was appreciative of the apology. But it just lends itself to making me feel like the crazy one. How can this person be so rational sometimes? Why did his apology seem real? Was it real? Does it matter at this point?

I told him the day after the fight that I thought we should go ahead and end the marriage. During that conversation he continued to press me to search for any indication that I may have doubt about that decision - because of course he does not want a divorce.

But he's still trying to present himself as a victim in this. He's running around to family and friends and telling them a distorted version of the truth.

I posted on another thread about how over the holidays I had to take care of my mental health. I had a few days of panic attacks around Christmas and New Year's. Everything fell on top of me like a ton of bricks. The loss of family - his family, who I've been close to for over a decade - hit me hard. They don't want anything to do with me right now - and we're not even filing paperwork yet! .

I know I shouldn't care what they think. I do have people in my corner, but it hurt me so badly. I care about those people! Don't they care about me? I'm not trying to trash talk my uPDh. I just want to be happy.

Then of course I thought about how my child might be impacted by divorce - and how they are being impacted by the separation and tension, even though they are still very little.

I had to go on medication and extra therapy sessions for the past few weeks. It all helped. I'm not 100%, but feeling a lot better than I did.

Like the title says, I'm tired. I'm tired of having circular conversations and arguments with this man. I'm tired of sharing a space and finances with him. I'm tired of fighting with him over the same money issues. I'm tired of not having someone in my life who actually treats me with respect and love.

I'm not healed from the abuse. I still have flashbacks and anxiety and fear.

I'm still afraid to file, but I'm almost at the point where I'm so tired of being afraid of it that I'm about to just go do it.

Anyway, just had to vent again. Thanks for listening.

[NumbLotus]

Hey,

That is indeed an exhausting situation.

I don't see how one can heal until the injury stops, so to speak. Like, imagine you have a bruise on your arm, but every day or every few days there's another whack at it.

I don't know if your H's apology was genuine. There are layers to that. I believe my H's apologies are genuine in the respect that I believe he is regretful and can see his part in an issue. But he is not able to change it, and the issue also promptly disappears from his thoughts (he lives in a thick cloud).

But an apology is not enough, we need our needs met. I am still with my H but it's not because I occasionally get an apology.

I can strongly relate on the thoughts about kids. My DD is being affected by this mess. There is stress. Her mother (me) is just about incapacitated. But I also foresee problems affecting her with a separation. It feels like two crummy choices is all we have.

[Kat54]

I totally feel for you Blackbird11. Staying in the home must be incredibly stressful and not good for your mental health. I'm assuming him moving out or you are not in the cards for financial reasons?  I stayed for awhile but lived on another floor of our house. I wasn't going to survive being with him though and eventually moved out. Thankfully my family have been extremely generous.

When I did finally file for divorce it was a huge weight that lifted from me. The divorce process was to hell and back....but very very worth it. And I never thought I could do it as I was so afraid, but survival mode took over for some reason.

Its good that he apologizes, but as I have experienced its all OK on the surface, its the deep down disrespect. And before you know it, it starts all over again.  Good luck to you. Always rooting for a good outcome for you.

[Blackbird11]

Thank you Kat! I know. The cycle never ends. I know this and yet I still was waffling a bit. Yet I feel like I'm getting closer to the other side. The pace is like I'm ever so slowly crawling my way out on my hands and knees through treacherous terrain, but still moving. And yes I'm staying because of financial reasons right now. Neither one of us can afford to leave. No savings. Credit card debt. This was the lifestyle he got us into. I allowed him to steamroll me into making decisions that in my gut knew weren't the best - but I had trusted him. The saving grace in this situation is that I did have a spare room I was able to move into. It has a lock. And he and I work pretty opposite work schedules. Current bills can be paid (barely). I've had to ask family to help out here and there, although I can't do that forever.

NumbLotus, it does feel like two crummy choices. I'm sorry you're in it as well. Although it does give me hope to read the stories of those who got out, particularly with kids. I've saved some of those posts to my online journal and read it whenever I need to be reminded - it's possible. It's just so hard to get there. I wouldn't even be here if I didn't find this website in November of 2018. It changed everything for me.

[cant turn back]

You're not healed from the abuse because you're still living in it.  Sounds like you do recognize it now, very much so, that's big.

Filing, yes, absolutely so scary!!  Like, as tough as things are now, filing makes things way worse.  But it's necessary, it is so worth it.  Or, it was WORTH IT for me.  The peacefulness of living life on my terms, knowing I'm living a life that I feel good about.  Living my truth.  Priceless.  Your are stronger than you know. 

It was 3 years ago this month my therapist said to me, "if you don't file or make some forward momentum, you will be there for another Thanksgiving, another Christmas".  That was a clincher for me, I filed shortly after that, and moved out about 10 months later, after the division of assets and child custody was assured.  Aside from the difficulties of watching my now-16 yo DD navigate our custodial plan, and deal with the earthquake of our lives (including the fact that her father refuses to engage with me in any fashion)... the hardest part for me has been the loss of my in-laws.  For 30 years they were my family, my siblings (I'm an only child). Now it's mostly radio silence.  They have to tow the family line for Mr. Delicate, the poor victim.  I was truly unprepared for the way that they have just let me go.  It sounds much like what you are experiencing.  It still pisses me off, it's so hurtful.  Especially as they are not like my ExH.. I believe they SEE him and they know the truth deep down.  However somehow he is so fragile and weak AND manipulative, I think they think they just have to support him, which, I'm sure he's made it clear that supporting him includes ghosting me.  So, I feel like, where is your integrity?  Why are letting your brother dictate how you feel and what you do about it?  Which then leads me to see... me and my well-being, I'm just not that important to them, even despite 30 years of positivity and love. 

Well I've totally hijacked and gone on and on about myself.  I just see myself in your posts.  It can be better, the other side, making the leap is very hard though.

[Blackbird11]

Thanks cant turn back. I'm also an only child so yes, you know exactly how I'm feeling. It sucks - especially because I also think his family knows he has "issues." Not sure they know the specific issue but they aren't completely oblivious.

I'm trying to heed everyone's warning that he's going to turn up the heat when I actually make a move to file. I'm just praying that my medication, combined with my other self care stuff, will help keep me steady. I even stopped all drinking of alcohol, no matter how small, and started meditating again! Whatever I can do to weather the storm that I'm about to enter, I'll do it.

Not sure when I'm going to file yet, but it's inevitable at this point.

[cant turn back]

Blackbird,
It gets worse after filing, but it does also get better.  Doing it makes you stronger.  Every single thing you do to move forward, you get more empowered.  You are reinforcing your goals, your values, moving forward despite almost crippling fear.  It's pretty bad-ass, the feeling of putting yourself and your children ahead, taking them out of a toxic environment, despite the FOG.  Sometimes I alternated between feeling like pond scum (why are you breaking up the family?) to feeling like a superhero... filing and moving forward makes you realize what you're made of.  And, it was truly so awful living in the separation limbo prior to my filing.  Like my ExH was all about hope, desperate to find a way to break me, get me back into submission.  Filing made everything strikingly more clear and then the path was set (so, yes, he got worse) but at least then we were both functioning with the reality of the situation.  I regret the 6 months it took me to file after I told him I wanted a divorce, as well as the 10 months after I filed, to truly push things forward to move out.  I think it caused all of us unnecessary grief.  But, I was just so scared.  So, I so understand where you are at.

[Blackbird11]

Cant turn back - your words help me so much. Thank you again.

Me an uPDh were kind of forced into talking about our future this weekend. We're reviewing childcare options as our current babysitter is leaving, and he asked me where my head is at. I was honest: Im not happy. I still feel the same way I felt the day I asked for separation. He asked if I wanted to try couples counseling one more time. I said no.

He said he accepted it. He was done begging me to try - which Im just thanking my lucky stars he's been in weekly therapy all this time because I don't think he would have gotten to this point without it.

We went about the day and he was cordial, yet making comments about where he will move. I listened and did MC/GR.

A lot more has to happen - filing. Figuring out if I can buy him out of the house (just to hold on to it until my kid goes to elementary school).

But damn if I don't feel a weight off my shoulders right now. I think he really knows Im done.

I wouldn't dare tell him the complexity of it for me - I still care for him in some ways. But it has to end.

That's where it's at today.

[not broken]

Blackbird,
You are very strong and it takes courage to take care of yourself after not having done so for so long.  His comments and behaviours sound like gaslighting.  It might help if you learned as much as you can about that- to help your emotions align with your thoughts on what is happening.  I have struggled, and still do, with the compulsion to be responsible for myhwNPD's feelings.  Cognitive dissonance a skill we learn as children that helped us survive emotional chaos, is detrimental for adult intimate relationships, and specifically how we can tolerate gaslighting.   I now read this article daily to help me center myself.  https://amp.mindbodygreen.com/articles/why-victims-of-gaslighting-stay-and-how-to-finally-leave

You are not alone in your yo-yo with the leave/don't leave/ and it won't get better/hope it's getting better etc.  And yes, it is exhausting, as you say in your subject line. Feeling hopeless is natural when this is happening, and I have learned that the only way to hope is through letting go of denial, acceptance and focusing on myself and why I have tolerated it (what am I afraid of?). This too is an emotional roller coaster- although it is one you are in control of, and so worth it.  Do you journal?  This has been so helpful for me to really see patterns and accept the facts of what is happening. 

Finally, if I may, as you learn more about yourself and your why, please be careful what vulnerabilities you continue to disclose in the times when you feel pulled back in.  If his speciality is gaslighting, then learning about your inner demons and sharing them is like giving a physical abuser a weapon.

As an adult who now understands she was raised by a gaslighting parent, I am thankful that my parents were divorced.  Giving your children a safe space for them to be free of the toxic stress is the best thing you can do for them- and you.  It's okay for you to want that, and if he cannot give that to you, it doesn't mean you have to tolerate the bad.  That's self-care and love, not selfish. 

[Blackbird11]

Thank you notbroken! I have saved that article. It is so helpful. He has definitely been gaslighting me throughout our marriage and now, our separation.

I do have a journal and I actually need to go back and read it frequently to keep me moving forward on this next phase. I just sent uPDh a message today to kickstart next steps on generating an agreement and him moving out of the house. I have an attorney and will be consulting her, but hoping that he will remain reasonable and we won't need more than a mediator to finalize everything.

I was scared to send it but so far he seems to so far be fairly calm about it - at least what I can gauge through text messaging. He hasn't gone on any angry rampages in the house either.

I think I may have mentioned that he and I are on opposite work schedules, so it's sort of a saving grace that I barely see him during the week. It gives him time to process things before we talk in person. Today is also his therapy day. I find that if I deliver the message before he gets to his therapist's office, he tends to process it with the therapist - and the result is better.

I honestly can't believe I started this process today. It has been a very long journey to get here. I didn't think I'd ever get the courage to move forward.

Right now I'm just staying focused on keeping things calm and healthy for my child. As you said not broken, I want to create a stress free home and this is just another step in that direction.