Last effort

[Bowsy26]

I made the switch to this board a couple of weeks ago as I've pretty much lost any hope for my relationship and was getting to the point where I believe that divorce is the only way I can find peace.  This will be a bit long and I hope I am not breaking any rules giving somewhat of a narrative.  This might be a flea I need to work on, but H acted like he could recall nothing of any joint conversation or experience so I would have to repeat it all from the beginning if I wanted to come back to almost any subject (like planning a vacation to what we needed from the store.  Now I do this routinely and have had friends tell me that I didn't need to go into so much detail.  I also have been required to do this to "prove" that any concern I have is valid, i.e. make a good enough of a case that H will acknowledge it.  I don't recall ever having succeeded in that. 

Anyway, for the last several months, dnpdh and I had attended couples counseling together with no real success.  In late December I fell down a flight of stairs injuring myself pretty badly including breaking a vertebra in my back.  I'm now out of the brace full time (at last).  With that fall, I had an epiphany that there really is no dress rehearsal and I really don't want to spend whatever years I have left with a person like my husband. He was dxd as cluster B mixed type with an emotional age of 3-4.  I have spent my life helping this man with so many issues but he has never helped me but instead would try to prevent me from reaching my goals.  Just an example but I went to college when I was about 30.  Married students income was based on both their and their spouses income so I did not quality for aid and used my own part time jobs and student loans to pay for my education.  I put the money in an account he has no access to and he kept trying to get access to that money which I knew he would take until all my funds were gone.  He complained often that I wasn't earning money to contribute to the household and wasn't holding up my end.  Funny coming from a guy who was out of work more than he was working at that time.  When H went to school, I encouraged him, helped him manage his funds, etc.  He was angry because I would make the Dean's List or Honor Roll each semester.     Quite a different attitude. 

Back to Last Effort.  I'm jumping around a bit, but I hope I make sense here.  We began going to couples counseling a year ago.  Through it all, he has never followed up on any suggestion the counselor made or kept up on any exercises she had suggested we do to help us build communication and connection.  Prior to the novel coronavirus hitting, at our last meeting, I told her privately after H had left that I was reading the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline PD and NPD, etc.".  This book has been very helpful, by the way.   

Today we had our first session since December due to my fall and then coronavirus.  This was an online session.  First H was 10 minutes late claiming all sorts of things had to be done first while the counselor and I cooled our heels.  After joining us, H first sat in the middle of the room out of camera range and could barely be heard.  After I told H I had saved his spot right next to me in front of the computer, he put his chair nearer to that area but still making it obvious he wasn't totally with us.   I've already shared in another thread how H had lied to me that he had pneumonia and was on antibiotics when he was sick recently and that I let him know I was aware of he lied about it.  I suspect he realized I would "tell on him" vs "talk about" this recent lie.  Which I did bring it up.  I told our counselor I didn't understand why H was attending these sessions based on his not following through with any of her suggestions specifically naming some which were particularly troubling to me and then about the continued lying  and outlined the pneumonia lie.  This counselor is very low key in her approach and when she went to address H, he didn't listen but began talking over the counselor outlining complaints he had of me in a very loud voice.  It turned out that she was having a technical issue on her end and was trying to ask him to wait so that she could call us and we could do the audio over the phone so she could hear him.  He got louder and louder and then yelled that she was just a woman and that all women want to do is "have their voice" and talk and she could shut up while he was talking.  We couldn't actually hear her due to the technical issue but H didn't realize this.  He then cussed her out and walked out of the room leaving me speechless.  He had actually just revealed the real H to someone other than me. 

The counselor did call me, and I talked to her about personality disorders and what his previous diagnosis has been (H had never allowed me to mention it at the center that he had this dx).  She was very affirming in what I had been experiencing with H with the lack of change, the continual lying, selfishness and manipulation.  She told me about triangulation and how that works.  I shared some examples of these behaviors and she affirmed me again in my experiences.  He has a personal counselor at this center and perhaps they have suspected triangulation with him.  Just supposing there.  As H stormed out, he gave me permission to get a divorce (B26 can get a divorce if she wants to, I don't care).  And I am.  But I am concerned about his reaction as to when H realizes that I  am moving forward.  H might be a waif as he does nothing he doesn't absolutely have to so paying bills and other day to day decisions are always left up to me.   But he is an excellent actor and with his NPD could just consider those responsibilities to be below his "pay grade" with no waif-ishness involved.  He was violent to the point of grabbing me around the throat which got him a year's probation and anger management a few years ago.  His psychiatrist at that time said H knew what he was doing and would use violence only if nothing else was working.   He recommended leaving, but I thought with anger management and probation he would finally get it and change.   I don't really know anyone in this city as we moved here just 2 years ago and we had no houses around us so no neighbors.  We are too far away from the places where I could make friends.  I don't think I mentioned I am partially blind and am limited in driving.

D*mn.  I feel like I'm Nik Wollenda walking on a tightrope. 

[Starboard Song]

Thank you for sharing. I am so sorry for what you are going through.

Be safe. If you are concerned about potential violence, take down numbers of relevant resources should you need safety or protection, and keep them with you. We have an Emergency Resources page that is a good start, as is our Personal Safety page. Don't be paranoid: be prudent.

Be good. Be strong.

[2nice]

Well it sounds like you have really tried everything. So good for you.

Please do keep yourself safe. One incident can easily lead to two.

I left after my ex was physically violent to me in front of his children. Regardless of any feelings of confusion I could no longer dispute this. I was out. Almost three years now he is pretty much where he was. I don't feel guilt or responsibility for him any more. I feel sorry for him being middle aged and never taking ownership. Never getting better.

Then I do a little dance as I'm now the king of my own castle.

No more anxiety, fear, anticipating responses.

I don't need a guy to care for. I'm caring for me and my
Kids.

Like me- you are entitled to make that choice.

Also I jumped from one posting group to this one. It was a symbol for me.

Be strong but be wise. Have a safety plan

[notrightinthehead]

Bowsy, the book 'Stop caretaking' was a revelation for me too. And the other one was 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft.  Your husband seems volatile - so please make sure you are safe! Employ the tools from the toolbox, especially medium chill and grey rock. It takes a while to learn how to use them and in the beginning they felt strange to me, but with practice I got better and so will you.
Your situation does not sound ideal, far away from others, recently moved, partially blind and just out of braces - before you do anything please make sure you have an emergency plan in place, people where you can flee to, somebody who knows about your situation, contact with a women's shelter...

[Bowsy26]

Starboard and Notright:   I will look into where the shelter is here and what kind of help I could get if needed.  I cannot drive after dusk and he knows that.  I realized yesterday that he thinks he has me back where he wants me.  He gave me a hug, keeps calling me honey and called me from his job to "tuck me in".  He asked me to look up the dates of our fall vacation.  These are all things he would typically do as he expects me to be his secretary.  Plus since he feels better blowing up at the counselor and dumping counseling,  then I must feel better, too.  After all, his feelings are the ones that count.   

2Nice:  Yes, we don't have to stay and take care of someone who has never grown up.  It is not only okay but GOOD to walk away and have only my own life to manage. 

I've applied for an apartment that would meet my needs but they take time to open up.   I'm working on other things in the meantime, including photocopying all the papers I need.  I opened a checking account and will open a safe deposit box to put my papers in soon.  I want to be prepared if an apartment opens up suddenly. 

I think I will read the "Why Does He Do That" book next.  Lol, but that's the question that has helped keep me stuck here for so long.  I thought if I could just figure that out, then I would know what to do to make things better.     Yeah, that worked real well...for him! 

I keep practicing GR and MC and am getting better.  I was able to use it after he blew up at the counselor, etc.  He ran and hid in the lower level all that day which is typical.  I didn't get angry and yell at him or, conversely, fix him a nice dinner so he would feel better.  I kept my cool on and took care of my own stuff, took a walk, etc.  I just left him to stew in his own juices as my grandmother used to say. 

I'm glad I have this place to come to.  Disconnecting from them seems as difficult if not moreso.