Can you "re-fog" after coming Out of the FOG?

[Bowsy26]

Has anyone had similar experiences? 

I had another interaction a couple of days ago with dnpdh where I began JADEing after being lied to.  This characteristic (lying) is a trigger for me and I didn't GR.  I keep working at it and am getting better but have a long way to go.  I surprised myself, though, in that as we argued I actually started seeing the various "strategies" he was using - starting with denying I had a reason to be angry, baiting me (you're the liar - you lie all the time), blaming me (there would be no problems if you would just stop making everything a problem), circular arguing, and invalidation (this is nothing, it means nothing!!).   

Then yesterday, after doing some yard work, I began thinking of my plans for this house and what I wanted to do.  Within a few minutes, I was thinking maybe I could make this work, it isn't that bad, maybe I've just been depressed with the long winter (low vit D perhaps?), my fall down the steps and then sheltering in place.  Maybe, maybe, maybe.  It scared me when I realized what I was doing.  I almost talked my way back into staying. 

Today I am back on a more even keel and have 90% tossed out what I was thinking yesterday. 

Is this common?  Is this how we have kept ourselves stuck with a PD person?   I do think H has been in a hoover with calling me "honey" almost exclusively, but at the same time not making any behavior changes that would make me question if things were changing.   With this argument with myself, I feel as drained as if I had an argument with him .   

[notrightinthehead]

It happens, we all allow ourselves to slip up sometimes when we get triggered.
And yes, wouldn't it be so much nicer if all of a sudden all would work out and our partners were to become what we saw in them at the beginning?
Don't worry - it's very common to get drawn back into the fog, it's only important to return to clarity when we become aware of what we are doing.

[1footouttadefog]

I think when we have huge tasks and life changes ahead of us it is normal to access other options. Staying is certainly an option most ofnthe time.  Its familiar even when not very good.

I hope you gain clarity about what you need to do sonyou cam put your planning and energy into your best possible life.

[PeanutButter]

Yes this is normal ime. It was my inner narrative keeping me with my pd all along. It was my inner narrative that talked me into going back over and over. He only duped me because I allowed him to. I lied to myself as much as he lied to me.
The hardest thing to accomplish imo is to honestly assess what our payoff has been for staying and what the payoff for going back would be. Because there is a payoff. Just as there are sacrifices to saving ourselves.

[Jsinjin]

Boy do I ever!!!    I don't know about everyone else.   I am super super forgiving, display a lack of strength and just a single kind word or acknowledgement and I'm rethinking everything and imagining life is better.   I don't blame anyone for this happening.

One thing I suspect is that some PD individuals naturally fall into relationships with a specific type of non pd individual who is very easy to manipulate and who forgives easily.  For whatever natural evolution the PD finds a significant other who is constantly held onto, sucked in and kept around while non PD individuals who have natural tendencies to stick up for themselves early or drop someone who doesn't treat them well as a mutual partner do not have a tendency to enter into long term relationships with PD's.

Jsj

[GettingOOTF]

It’s really hard to change a lifetime of programming. I feel like I have to be constantly vigilant or I slip back into old patterns. Mine are mainly people pleasing and codependency.

Healing isn’t linear. I think we move back and forth depending on what else is going on in our lives.

[Bowsy26]

Thank you everyone who has replied. 

1footout:  Since I posted this, I have been refreshing my memory with the outrageous things H has said/done that led to the point of knowing I must leave.  None of that has changed, and is a good reminder of how I generally feel in this relationship.  And the gaslighting has continued, perhaps because he sensed a softening of my resolve.  He commented this morning how he supported me when I had to have my favorite dog ever put down.  What really happened is he called me a murderer and said I had the dog put down for my own convenience.     Yeah, try and rewrite THAT cause I'll never forget it and it was the opposite of being comforted.  So I am back on track with my planning.  I'm working on making copies of important documents and then opening a safe deposit box for them once the bank reopens their lobby.  And I still have applications in at a couple of senior housing apartment complexes.

NotRight:  I haven't really spent time looking at what my triggers for staying might be so I plan to start to journal on that.  I need to be on the lookout for what they are so that I can keep my resolve. 

Peanutbutter:  I have had that same inner dialogue over the years (and years and years).  While I was "helping" H toward growth and change, I took on all the responsibility for any change to happen.  And since you can't change another person, my efforts were doomed to fail.  He was no more responsible for personal growth than he was for anything else.  And it sure burned up my energy trying to change him.  I going to journal on payoff right along with triggers for a while. 

Jsinjin:  I would look at a kind word as a hopeful sign from H, too.  But the negatives never stopped and the kind words were rare.  My M was quite possibly PD disordered and was quite violent towards me even to the point of trying to kill me (once covertly and once overtly).  Beatings were constant and there were no days when I wasn't hit at the very least.  I used to daydream, even as a young child, that some man would come along and take me away to a beautiful place.  This certainly prepared me to allow my boundaries to be violated by others.  I hope you can continue to heal and make a better life for yourself, too. 

GettingOOTF:  Great points.  Thank you.  With the shutdown going on, the possibility of surgery once the hospitals reopen for nonCovid-19 reasons and still healing from the fall I took that broke my back, it makes sense that more change could feel overwhelming at times.  When I start judging myself over this issue, I will remind myself that it is okay to have mixed feelings at times.